Abolish Boarding School

Have you read the news about a boy in Johor had both of his leg amputated due to a beating he received at a so-called religious school?

Ok if you haven't, you can read them here, here, here and here.

Please forgive me because I'm about to go all Malay bitching mode.

Tak tahulah nak rasa marah ke nak rasa kesian. Dah banyak kali dah benda macam ni berlaku, dan mesti sekolah-sekolah agama ni yang terlibat. Kes budak kena sexual abuse dengan sekolah Kazim Elias tu pun in the end senyap macam tu je. Sebab apa, sebab orang memang nak mempertahankan institusi 'madrasah/sekolah agama' ni. Last-last, cengkerik je yang berbunyi sebab orang buat bodoh je dengan establishment tu.

Rasanya bila budak-budak dah cacat kekal dah mati baru nak sedar kot betapa bodohnya sistem-sistem sekolah macam tu, termasuklah sistem sekolah asrama. Sepatutnya anak-anak tu korang yang jaga, bukan main hantar pergi sekolah asrama biar orang lain berkuasa ke atas anak kamu sendiri. Anak-anak pulak membesar tanpa kasih sayang parents, sebab ye lah dah berjauhan dari family pastu orang lain yang akan banyak mempengaruhi anak-anak tu.

Jadilah anak tu lebih rosak daripada yang korang nak. Rosak segala macam - fizikal (macam kes atas tu), mental dan emotional. Aku cakap ni sebab aku sendiri produk sekolah asrama, memang aku benci mati-matian sekolah asrama. Aku sendiri rasa kesan negatif sistem sekolah asrama ni. It has fucked up my life.

Kalau ada isu pasal agama, pasal sekolah asrama, pasal sekolah asrama agama, memang triple ah aku flip table. Marah hati memang takde siapa lah yang boleh tenangkan.

Tapi tulah, nak salahkan siapa? Nak salahkan family? Nak salahkan society? Nak salahkan sekolah atau sistem pendidikan yang bodoh tu? Atau nak salahkan diri sendiri/si pelajar sebab tak matang (which btw memang lah diorang ni tak matang, underage kot, ada sebabnya kena ada kawalan dan guidance PARENTS)?

Fucked up ah semua benda ni, memang fucked up. Haisy, aku geram sampai dah hilang point2 yang aku nak tulis. Dasar bodohnye lah manusia yang duk menghantar anak2 gi sekolah agama asrama ni, rasa macam bodohnye lah kau.

Kau nak anak jadi independent, kau ajar dia macam mana nak independent kat rumah. Kau nak anak jadi tahfiz ke jadi alim ke jadi warak sujud sampai tak bangun-bangun ke kau boleh didik anak kau tanpa hantar dia jauh-jauh dari kau. Kau nak anak kau cemerlang exam cemerlang 20 ribu A pun kau boleh tolong anak kau dekat rumah. Tapi kalau kau nak anak kau fucked up, kau nak anak kau kena rogol kena abuse, kau nak anak kau cacat atau mati, kau hantar lah diorang jauh-jauh. Sebab senang kan, kau boleh salahkan orang lain pulak lepas tu.

Sekolah pun sama, dah tahu itu anak orang, sesuka hati kau je kau nak buat macam-macam kat budak-budak. Takde kemanusiaan ke kau ni? Kau duk preach sana sini manusia lebih baik dari binatang, tapi kau tak sedar yang kau tu lebih teruk dari bangkai binatang, dasar hati kau tu dah busuk kau buat budak-budak macam tempat kau lepaskan nafsu, buat macam punching bag sebab kau rasa kau berkuasa. Lepas tu, cover pakai alasan agama. Aku harap dengan Tuhan yang kau sembah tu, biar Dia letak kau dalam jamban Neraka sebab kau memang dasar hina buat budak-budak macam bukan manusia.

Bodoh.

Where Was I?

Hi all,

Yeah sorry again for not being here as I've promised. The usual reasons really - job sucked, quit again, unemployed and depressed, got a new job and now ready to take on the world.

Life is such a journey, and boy that journey sure as hell is a fucking wild ride.

So yeah, not really wanting to go into details, but here I am again back for business or whatever I was doing here. I didn't even read what I wrote previously, so I might as well just carry on like nothing happened and just do whatever I want now.

But last year was a bitch, like it was really messy and just...fucked up. I blame the global issues that was happening in 2016, it created the negative aura that affected me. Haha, what an excuse. In all honesty though, 2016 was really not fun at all on every level - personal and global. It was such a turning point that we enter 2017 with some kind of vertigo, not knowing what's more coming - good or bad.

But if you ask me, I think both bad and good things will happen. Donald fucking Trump is the POTUS, what even is he good at to bring anyway? But then again, because of that, civil and liberal movement should by right feel more pumped to fight for justice and equality, and I think that's a good thing. Not trying to be an orientalist, but whatever happened in the so-called West seriously affect a lot of things here in Malaysia. The liberal movement and social activists here are almost always inspired and influenced by the ones in the West. Like you have people talking about cultural appropriation and representation in such a weird context that sometimes it's hard for you to believe if they actually understand the local social context and instead copy pasting the narrative and discussion from abroad to be used here. No honey, that's not how we do it. We take on issues and analyse it against our local backdrop. But universal values should stand - justice, human rights, and equality for all.

But as usual I'm blabbering. I mean, I don't even makes sense, so yeah. But do expect more of these topics in my blog, cause that's what I usually talk about anyway nowadays. I also have changed from being religious and apologetic about religion to somewhat of a free-lifestyler...probably nearing to be an agnostic, but I don't entertain anything about faith nowadays. So I don't really care what I am now, I don't even know. What I care is shutting down homophobes, racist and sexist pricks, and hypocrites who usually use religion, faith and so-called moral values for their stupid nonsensical hatred and discrimination.

I'll start something proper in a couple of days, haha, hopefully this time I stay to my words. Since I'm more stable with my life situation, I think I should be good to promise this. At least I have something to do and look forward to, or I would end up looking for some random hook-ups instead. HAHA!

And yes, I still do very much like sex. Thank you.

I'm Back!

Happy Eid everyone!

The best thing about Eid in Malaysia is that it's never too late to say that, it spans a whole month for all we know. My experience with Eid abroad was somewhat different, it usually lasts to a week max. It goes to show that how Malaysians love celebration so much.

I had just arrived in KL from my hometown yesterday. I'm not really a family person, so it's really hard for me to say whether I had a lovely time at home or not. To be honest, given the chance, I would be fine celebrating Eid anywhere else really. But as all festivals and celebration go, family gatherings are somewhat customary.

I will also be starting my new job today, which I have been looking forward in a few weeks now. I hadn't been updating much (obviously), but this will be my second job. I quit my first job because I couldn't stand my boss, who is a fool. I thought I could brush that off and focused on what I do, but lets be real, who can stand a fool? It's too much drama to go into about it now so I would just let that period of my life past. But I was good at my job, within two weeks of working I was already been promoted and received a raise. While the money and position was good, it wasn't enough to make me compromise my intelligence and patience.

That might explain why I was on a hiatus for a while. Adapting to working life took a lot of my time. Suddenly you are reliable for every single minute details of your life - no more parents supporting you, no more student loan to feed your wanderlust, no more free time to waste on binge watching and sleeping. It was really a phase that I had to carefully manage, for if I don't quickly grow into it, I'll be drowned and overwhelm with all these new responsibilities. And they say going to uni make you learn about independence, try working a full time job, uni life seems like a honeymoon then.

I was also adamant that I would always be myself when I entered the workforce, which translates to me being out and proud of my sexuality. I wasn't really surprised to see that in the workplace homophobia, sexism and racism were still very much apparent. You get guys making stupid comments about girls, Malays talking trash about foreigners, and closed minded people warned you of the dangers of the gays. Hah, they better be because gurll I slayyyyyyy!

With all that being said though, there are also a lot of people who are open and accepting. Needless to say I made great friends with these people and glad that I was given the chance to work with them. To put this in a bigger picture, you have people who are for and against the idea of equality, tolerance and acceptance. Don't be discouraged if you find that you're surrounded with the conservatives because liberals do exist, and there are a lot of us too. This is important to show that eventhough Malaysia is still lacking in the progress of LGBT rights, that doesn't mean there is NO progress at all. We still have a lot to do, to educate the people about equality, and to ensure that we can exist in the same manner as other human beings without being discriminated.

Moving forward, I will be writing here again (yeay!). To be fair, I couldn't write much previously because I was exhausted with my job as a writer. So I had focused most of my writings for my job and mentally it's exhausting to have different projects in one go. But I'm planning to work on various things, it's just the adapting period again. So today in the spirit of starting a new job, also as a writer and editor, I will try to put some times in this blog as well, documenting the life of a gay man in Malaysia, personal stories and thoughts, as well as connecting with the LGBTQ+ community here.

I will see you lots shortly then yeah :)

Bring It On

How has it been guys? Sorry for the lack of posts these past few weeks, I had been busy with settling back home and looking for something new to do (then I have something to blog about).

It's been 2 weeks now that I am home, everything is...fine, or so it seems. The air is warm, the food is great, and the people is tolerable, almost. To complain and criticise will only push me to despair, and so I choose to cherish and look forward to a more exciting journey I can carved here at home.

Since 2016 just started, the spirit of being the 'new me' can never be more fitting.

I can feel that this year is going to be amazing, like it's in my bone. But for a start, I have to secure a job. So far, I haven't done any serious application. I do sure take my time to plan my career, and I got my eyes on a few companies now, which I will start to send out my resumes soon.

As for relationship, I hope this year I can be in one that is healthy and matured, full of love and honesty, and all the cheesy things that couples do. I want to be able to say, "what a fucking romantic guy my boyfriend is," or anything similar to that.

Though in all honesty, I can sense that I'll be getting back with my ex. I somehow missed him very much, and I'm open for that possibility. We had been texting, and are planning to meet soon. It would be complicated (such irony for hoping a healthy one), since he's in the closet (or fundamentally straight actually) and that for the past 6 years after we broke up, our relationship is nothing but physical. Friends with benefits, more appropriately, so to redefine that would be a bit difficult.

But we'll see. Life is a journey, and not all colours are rainbows. So a few thorns on the bed of roses are understandably normal, and realistic.

So yeah, looking forward for a hell of a new year. Let's dive into it together head strong, and never live a day with regrets!

Someone's Gay Friend

My best friend had been back from his holidays. He was away for three months vacationing, while I was working part-time so that I could take things slow, one step at a time to think about my proper career path. I must admit, I kinda felt lonely when he was gone. It's not that I don't have any other friends, but he's one of the closest ones I have here.

We met a year ago, he was starting his Master's degree, and so did I. We went to different unis but stayed in the same area and we both have similar opinions about certain things which made us get along well (with many differences too but we respect each other's opinions). Our courses were different but we shared similar interest in post-colonialisms, which became the subject of most of our discussions. We're not activists in any sense, but we always thought of ourselves as a fighter in the realm of intellectual discourses and academic literatures. We tried our best to provide different perspectives to the general conceptions of the East and the West.

Anyhow, I digress.

So he's back in town, and we're leaving together next week back to our homeland. I came out to him last August, because I know I can trust him, and I feel that he's the kind of person who's open to a different kinds of identity and ideology. We practically fight for that rights in academics sense, so I know I can trust him with who I really am. And also partly because he wouldn't stop talking about girls, and I truly felt uncomfortable lengthening any kind of conversation about woman with him. He's straight, obviously. We were talking about Tinder then, and he was passing comments about the girls on it (well that's the whole point of Tinder, physical appearances is the basis of its workings). I told him I had Tinder too, and that I used it to swipe men only. The rest was history.

So we were out having dinner just now, and he talked about his new obsession - snapchat. He was taking photos and videos of me all the while we were out and told me it was for his snapchat, which was odd considering why should I be in his snapchat. Surely you use snapchat to document your little moments?

Then he said to me that he had told some of his friends while he's on vacations that he has a gay friend. He showed them some videos of me he had recorded whenever we were goofing around, which mostly involved me singing and dancing, or making comments about certain things in a funny stereotypically gay-ish way. He said his friends like me from those videos, so the snapchat thing was to update my usual gay moments. (Don't worry, I trust him, and his snapchat is private, his friends are like us too, unorthodox).

I didn't know how to take it really, and I don't want to start reading into it too much. I'm open about who I am, and the circle of friends that I have as of now mostly know my preferences, only a couple of people I explicitly told them that I love boys. But I don't know, there's something about being called as a 'gay friend' that makes me think how to take that in. It's a new thing to digest. I don't hate it, but I don't see a reason why I should be seen as 'gay friend' when I can just be a...'friend'?

I mean, I am gay, and I am a friend, so there's nothing wrong with 'gay friend' really. Technically, that's who I am. I don't know, perhaps for some people, having gay friends make them feel different too, having some kind of pride that they have gay friends. But it seems like I'm reduced to being an object, a possession to be proud of acquiring. Does the 'gay' label is necessary for my friendship?

At first I think it's unnecessary, right? Because, I don't need to be constantly labelled as the gay friend. I am who I am, my sexuality don't have to be made clear wherever I go. But at the same time, I feel like there's power in labels too. Like it gives me a safe place to be who I am with my friends, and admitting the deepest part of my emotions - I LIKE GUYS and I AM GAY. It's also a reminder that I'm not alone, being labelled as gay is something powerful too, and so I should learn how to accept it when I hear it from another person, which is rare because whenever I came out, people would noted it but constantly avoid to use the word 'gay'. It's not a bad word, but it seems like people would rather not use it.

I mean, rather than using the word 'gay', many choose to use the term 'PLU' instead back home. People Like Us, a powerful label in my opinion to carry the meaning of being gay and that they are not alone. Either 'gay' or 'PLU', the issue is really about hearing it said to you, especially from a bestfriend. I thought when we came to terms with who we are, that's all there is, but it also means that we have to redefine ourselves to other people. And when people redefine us in that way, would we be okay with it? We want people to know us as who we are, but when it does happens, would they see us differently? Or would we still be the same person as they knew before we came out to them?

For me, I don't know, I'm still figuring out this whole 'I am a gay friend to my bestfriend' or 'I am a friend to my bestfriend' or 'I am a friend who happened to be gay to my bestfriend' or 'I am gay, and I have a bestfriend'. I don't think it's a big deal really, but something just made me feel a bit conscious when my bestfriend said, "I have a gay friend."

I'm not sure whether I make any sense. What do you think?