Post Midnight Ramble

Perhaps it's best for me to stay for a while longer. So thank you to the commenters of my previous post for the encouragement. It's certainly pleasing to know that there are people who took some joy in reading my posts (hopefully).

For what it's worth, there are some things that I can only share here as a semi-anonymous somewhat elusive blogger that I can't (or more aptly better not) share at some other places. A secret hideout as you would like, for me to find some comfort in sharing these thoughts without having to face the feared consequences of being an open gay Asian.

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Meanwhile, I have taken some interests in a few different things over the past few weeks, most of which are related to pop culture. In some ways, I have been daydreaming about making a career in one of these phenomena. And all that it was is just that - daydreaming. The kind of fantasy you have thinking about how grand it would be to find a job that associate with fame and glamour. I suppose I am being a little bit nonchalant about my life at the moment, nothing is serious, for weeks and months of planning and scheduling, I think I deserve some breaks to make sense of the world around me first before impulsively pursuing something I later regret.

With that being said, I will be coming home soon. I have mixed feelings about it. Sad and unaccomplished, but eager and excited. I'm not sure which emotion triumph the other but one thing I do know is that I am scared. In all honesty, I'm not ready for home, and admitting that somehow makes me feel arrogant. That I am above all of the people at home, I am better, and so naturally be afraid of them. As much as I keep trying to convince myself that I do not think lowly of my own community, I kept falling back to the sort of subconscious feeling I have about them. I suppose the only way to remedy this thought is to face the very people themselves, and keeping my feet on the ground to appreciate the greatness and excellence of others. Humility is certainly a trait I need to work on, perhaps I am blinded by my frustration about the many wrong things happening in my country. Of course it's not an excuse, but rather a simple explanation of why I am having the thoughts. 

In some other aspects of my life, I am finding my way to be contented with being single. I have not engaged in any form of relationship - emotional or sexual - since August (or July, I can't be sure, but a couple of months definitely). In this fact I find it comforting to tell myself that I can actually start anew about my love life. I plan to stay on that way until I find someone that I can love, I can trust, and that I can be happy with. But in order to do that, I first have to love myself, trust my own heart and be happy in my own skin. Surely I can't expect someone to love me if I don't love myself. So for that reason, I'm starting afresh.

However, I kept getting these dreams where I was either falling in love with someone, or already in a relationship with someone. Just last night I was dreaming about my crush in uni where he weirdly appeared in my study room and offered me some helps to stack on my books on the top shelf. While doing it, he took of his shirt and I was jaw-dropped to find him in the flesh with sweats and body hair. The way this stuck in my head now seems to be a reminder that subconsciously I am longing for a companion. Not only that, a few weeks ago I dreamed about my husband (which is odd because I don't even know how I know this, but in the dream this person is my husband) which is of course non-existent and yet to be determined by real life. That's not only meant I longed for a companionship, it meant I longed for a soul mate.

It's funny really how our minds keep telling us things that we don't want to admit in its own mysterious way. I suppose when one say life is a mystery, this is what they meant by it. Mystery or not, one can only find out by giving oneself a chance to experience life. A lot of these thoughts are really the screams of our inner self, longing to replace the facade we put on to please others and rarely ourselves.

On that note, I am no better than you. And on that note too, I sort of prefer to wallow in those dreams than to pursue it in reality. Plus, it's three am now, I better get some sleep in the hope that I can get one of those subconscious romance dreams again.

So yes I'm staying, and yes this is a ramble of an insomniac. Sorry.