So yeah, sama la, aku pun hendak juga mencari yang satu tu.
But then when I think about it again, aku ni jenis yang susah sangat nak commit. And I am so afraid of intimacy because I don't want to have any commitments later.
For the past couple of years really, aku memang distant kan diri dari guys sebab I don't want to end up in a relationship. Sounds a bit silly but it's what I had in mind before.
Jadi aku ended up having friends that are mostly girls. Tambah-tambah duduk abroad ni lagi lah kan banyak tarikan lelaki, penuh diversity dari Asian ke Caucasian, to Latino and Mediterranean, semua ada, pilih saja. Nak menjaga mata setiap hari susah ya amatzz, ada saja sights for the sore eye.
But because aku memang taknak fikir sangat tentang relationship I pulled away from making any guys friends.
But now bila fikir balik, I should've not done so. Because being intimate shouldn't make me an anti-social person. Tapi apa-apa pun walaupun aku distant dengan ramai lelaki, aku ada kawan-kawan yang sangat rapat dan supportive and I can't ask for better friends than them.
Tapi itulah, aku memang ada a bit problem to be intimate to someone. Sebabnya aku takut nanti aku kecewa, hati terluka, dan emosi dipermainkan. But I guess everyone is afraid of that, cumanya aku bukan afraid, more like fear.
Sekarang ni aku tengah usaha untuk buang that feeling and be confident in approaching guys. So far it's been ok la, but since aku pun dah tak ada pool of guys friends to start with, it seems a bit hard la nak practice.
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| I'll wait for you, the one that I will open up for any possibilities. [source] |
So I'm looking forward to meet people from social group online, yang casual of course, bukan via gay apps. Which for the latter I did try, but as usual, the only thing interesting from that kind of place is sex, or so it seems. I haven't been to any meetup yet, soon of course, cuma sekarang ni nak betul-betul clear kan mindset that it's ok to be friend with guys, do not be afraid. If the chemistry is there, it's great! It doesn't always have to end up in a relationship.
Sebenarnya aku taknak turn anyone into gay. Bajet je kan haha macam hot sangat je mampu mengoncang hati lelaki straight. But it happened before and I just don't want it happens again to another person. Although benda tu pun satu isu berbeza sebenarnya. Bila being gay you can't menyalahkan sangat orang lain. Mungkin ada ceritanya tapi tentang perasaan siapalah kita yang ada kawalan ke atasnya. Born this way, macam tu haa.
Anyhow, after habis belajar ni aku nak cuba widen my scope of friends to guys. Tak kisah lah lelaki tu straight, gay or bi but guys generally. To hang out with, being buddies and all that. My aim is friends at the moment, connections and networks.
And if in those people that soon I will be meeting end up as the special person, I will not go against what fate has decided. What will happen, let it happen.
Until then, I must be confident and mingle around more I suppose. :)
