Where Was I?

Hi all,

Yeah sorry again for not being here as I've promised. The usual reasons really - job sucked, quit again, unemployed and depressed, got a new job and now ready to take on the world.

Life is such a journey, and boy that journey sure as hell is a fucking wild ride.

So yeah, not really wanting to go into details, but here I am again back for business or whatever I was doing here. I didn't even read what I wrote previously, so I might as well just carry on like nothing happened and just do whatever I want now.

But last year was a bitch, like it was really messy and just...fucked up. I blame the global issues that was happening in 2016, it created the negative aura that affected me. Haha, what an excuse. In all honesty though, 2016 was really not fun at all on every level - personal and global. It was such a turning point that we enter 2017 with some kind of vertigo, not knowing what's more coming - good or bad.

But if you ask me, I think both bad and good things will happen. Donald fucking Trump is the POTUS, what even is he good at to bring anyway? But then again, because of that, civil and liberal movement should by right feel more pumped to fight for justice and equality, and I think that's a good thing. Not trying to be an orientalist, but whatever happened in the so-called West seriously affect a lot of things here in Malaysia. The liberal movement and social activists here are almost always inspired and influenced by the ones in the West. Like you have people talking about cultural appropriation and representation in such a weird context that sometimes it's hard for you to believe if they actually understand the local social context and instead copy pasting the narrative and discussion from abroad to be used here. No honey, that's not how we do it. We take on issues and analyse it against our local backdrop. But universal values should stand - justice, human rights, and equality for all.

But as usual I'm blabbering. I mean, I don't even makes sense, so yeah. But do expect more of these topics in my blog, cause that's what I usually talk about anyway nowadays. I also have changed from being religious and apologetic about religion to somewhat of a free-lifestyler...probably nearing to be an agnostic, but I don't entertain anything about faith nowadays. So I don't really care what I am now, I don't even know. What I care is shutting down homophobes, racist and sexist pricks, and hypocrites who usually use religion, faith and so-called moral values for their stupid nonsensical hatred and discrimination.

I'll start something proper in a couple of days, haha, hopefully this time I stay to my words. Since I'm more stable with my life situation, I think I should be good to promise this. At least I have something to do and look forward to, or I would end up looking for some random hook-ups instead. HAHA!

And yes, I still do very much like sex. Thank you.

I'm Back!

Happy Eid everyone!

The best thing about Eid in Malaysia is that it's never too late to say that, it spans a whole month for all we know. My experience with Eid abroad was somewhat different, it usually lasts to a week max. It goes to show that how Malaysians love celebration so much.

I had just arrived in KL from my hometown yesterday. I'm not really a family person, so it's really hard for me to say whether I had a lovely time at home or not. To be honest, given the chance, I would be fine celebrating Eid anywhere else really. But as all festivals and celebration go, family gatherings are somewhat customary.

I will also be starting my new job today, which I have been looking forward in a few weeks now. I hadn't been updating much (obviously), but this will be my second job. I quit my first job because I couldn't stand my boss, who is a fool. I thought I could brush that off and focused on what I do, but lets be real, who can stand a fool? It's too much drama to go into about it now so I would just let that period of my life past. But I was good at my job, within two weeks of working I was already been promoted and received a raise. While the money and position was good, it wasn't enough to make me compromise my intelligence and patience.

That might explain why I was on a hiatus for a while. Adapting to working life took a lot of my time. Suddenly you are reliable for every single minute details of your life - no more parents supporting you, no more student loan to feed your wanderlust, no more free time to waste on binge watching and sleeping. It was really a phase that I had to carefully manage, for if I don't quickly grow into it, I'll be drowned and overwhelm with all these new responsibilities. And they say going to uni make you learn about independence, try working a full time job, uni life seems like a honeymoon then.

I was also adamant that I would always be myself when I entered the workforce, which translates to me being out and proud of my sexuality. I wasn't really surprised to see that in the workplace homophobia, sexism and racism were still very much apparent. You get guys making stupid comments about girls, Malays talking trash about foreigners, and closed minded people warned you of the dangers of the gays. Hah, they better be because gurll I slayyyyyyy!

With all that being said though, there are also a lot of people who are open and accepting. Needless to say I made great friends with these people and glad that I was given the chance to work with them. To put this in a bigger picture, you have people who are for and against the idea of equality, tolerance and acceptance. Don't be discouraged if you find that you're surrounded with the conservatives because liberals do exist, and there are a lot of us too. This is important to show that eventhough Malaysia is still lacking in the progress of LGBT rights, that doesn't mean there is NO progress at all. We still have a lot to do, to educate the people about equality, and to ensure that we can exist in the same manner as other human beings without being discriminated.

Moving forward, I will be writing here again (yeay!). To be fair, I couldn't write much previously because I was exhausted with my job as a writer. So I had focused most of my writings for my job and mentally it's exhausting to have different projects in one go. But I'm planning to work on various things, it's just the adapting period again. So today in the spirit of starting a new job, also as a writer and editor, I will try to put some times in this blog as well, documenting the life of a gay man in Malaysia, personal stories and thoughts, as well as connecting with the LGBTQ+ community here.

I will see you lots shortly then yeah :)

Bring It On

How has it been guys? Sorry for the lack of posts these past few weeks, I had been busy with settling back home and looking for something new to do (then I have something to blog about).

It's been 2 weeks now that I am home, everything is...fine, or so it seems. The air is warm, the food is great, and the people is tolerable, almost. To complain and criticise will only push me to despair, and so I choose to cherish and look forward to a more exciting journey I can carved here at home.

Since 2016 just started, the spirit of being the 'new me' can never be more fitting.

I can feel that this year is going to be amazing, like it's in my bone. But for a start, I have to secure a job. So far, I haven't done any serious application. I do sure take my time to plan my career, and I got my eyes on a few companies now, which I will start to send out my resumes soon.

As for relationship, I hope this year I can be in one that is healthy and matured, full of love and honesty, and all the cheesy things that couples do. I want to be able to say, "what a fucking romantic guy my boyfriend is," or anything similar to that.

Though in all honesty, I can sense that I'll be getting back with my ex. I somehow missed him very much, and I'm open for that possibility. We had been texting, and are planning to meet soon. It would be complicated (such irony for hoping a healthy one), since he's in the closet (or fundamentally straight actually) and that for the past 6 years after we broke up, our relationship is nothing but physical. Friends with benefits, more appropriately, so to redefine that would be a bit difficult.

But we'll see. Life is a journey, and not all colours are rainbows. So a few thorns on the bed of roses are understandably normal, and realistic.

So yeah, looking forward for a hell of a new year. Let's dive into it together head strong, and never live a day with regrets!

Someone's Gay Friend

My best friend had been back from his holidays. He was away for three months vacationing, while I was working part-time so that I could take things slow, one step at a time to think about my proper career path. I must admit, I kinda felt lonely when he was gone. It's not that I don't have any other friends, but he's one of the closest ones I have here.

We met a year ago, he was starting his Master's degree, and so did I. We went to different unis but stayed in the same area and we both have similar opinions about certain things which made us get along well (with many differences too but we respect each other's opinions). Our courses were different but we shared similar interest in post-colonialisms, which became the subject of most of our discussions. We're not activists in any sense, but we always thought of ourselves as a fighter in the realm of intellectual discourses and academic literatures. We tried our best to provide different perspectives to the general conceptions of the East and the West.

Anyhow, I digress.

So he's back in town, and we're leaving together next week back to our homeland. I came out to him last August, because I know I can trust him, and I feel that he's the kind of person who's open to a different kinds of identity and ideology. We practically fight for that rights in academics sense, so I know I can trust him with who I really am. And also partly because he wouldn't stop talking about girls, and I truly felt uncomfortable lengthening any kind of conversation about woman with him. He's straight, obviously. We were talking about Tinder then, and he was passing comments about the girls on it (well that's the whole point of Tinder, physical appearances is the basis of its workings). I told him I had Tinder too, and that I used it to swipe men only. The rest was history.

So we were out having dinner just now, and he talked about his new obsession - snapchat. He was taking photos and videos of me all the while we were out and told me it was for his snapchat, which was odd considering why should I be in his snapchat. Surely you use snapchat to document your little moments?

Then he said to me that he had told some of his friends while he's on vacations that he has a gay friend. He showed them some videos of me he had recorded whenever we were goofing around, which mostly involved me singing and dancing, or making comments about certain things in a funny stereotypically gay-ish way. He said his friends like me from those videos, so the snapchat thing was to update my usual gay moments. (Don't worry, I trust him, and his snapchat is private, his friends are like us too, unorthodox).

I didn't know how to take it really, and I don't want to start reading into it too much. I'm open about who I am, and the circle of friends that I have as of now mostly know my preferences, only a couple of people I explicitly told them that I love boys. But I don't know, there's something about being called as a 'gay friend' that makes me think how to take that in. It's a new thing to digest. I don't hate it, but I don't see a reason why I should be seen as 'gay friend' when I can just be a...'friend'?

I mean, I am gay, and I am a friend, so there's nothing wrong with 'gay friend' really. Technically, that's who I am. I don't know, perhaps for some people, having gay friends make them feel different too, having some kind of pride that they have gay friends. But it seems like I'm reduced to being an object, a possession to be proud of acquiring. Does the 'gay' label is necessary for my friendship?

At first I think it's unnecessary, right? Because, I don't need to be constantly labelled as the gay friend. I am who I am, my sexuality don't have to be made clear wherever I go. But at the same time, I feel like there's power in labels too. Like it gives me a safe place to be who I am with my friends, and admitting the deepest part of my emotions - I LIKE GUYS and I AM GAY. It's also a reminder that I'm not alone, being labelled as gay is something powerful too, and so I should learn how to accept it when I hear it from another person, which is rare because whenever I came out, people would noted it but constantly avoid to use the word 'gay'. It's not a bad word, but it seems like people would rather not use it.

I mean, rather than using the word 'gay', many choose to use the term 'PLU' instead back home. People Like Us, a powerful label in my opinion to carry the meaning of being gay and that they are not alone. Either 'gay' or 'PLU', the issue is really about hearing it said to you, especially from a bestfriend. I thought when we came to terms with who we are, that's all there is, but it also means that we have to redefine ourselves to other people. And when people redefine us in that way, would we be okay with it? We want people to know us as who we are, but when it does happens, would they see us differently? Or would we still be the same person as they knew before we came out to them?

For me, I don't know, I'm still figuring out this whole 'I am a gay friend to my bestfriend' or 'I am a friend to my bestfriend' or 'I am a friend who happened to be gay to my bestfriend' or 'I am gay, and I have a bestfriend'. I don't think it's a big deal really, but something just made me feel a bit conscious when my bestfriend said, "I have a gay friend."

I'm not sure whether I make any sense. What do you think?

The Sweetest Boy

A few moments ago, as I was scrolling down my tweet feed, reading through the creative sentences that people come up with in 140 characters, I stopped at a tweet from a person I knew back in school. In that moment, a sudden flashback of memories came in and I was smiling to myself remembering those beautiful instances that the memories hold.

It's not the tweet that pushed me down the memory lane, it's the person, the thought of him. We were in the same boarding school, he was a year older than me. He was a senior and I was a junior. We had a brief undefined relationship back in that days, and I am still unsure of the nature of our connections. The closest I can get to now is friends, and seeing how things unfold in hindsight, I think I'm just gonna stick with this definition. It can be interpreted differently, but it's all in the past, so whatever it is, we had something sweet and that's all that matter.

So a quick description of this person, we have the same name, Brandon, which I think is very sweet, a pleasant coincidence if you like. Our birthdays are also two days apart and we find this really interesting too. He had an average figure, scrawny somewhat, like any other typical teenagers. I stalked him before writing this post, and he still has the same figure telling from his pictures. He's cute, needless to say, babyface actually which I told him back then and he was flattered by it.

The other thing about him is that he's super genius. His specialty was Chemistry, he was the brightest student in the subject, like the top one in the whole school, and he liked Maths too. If we want to play the stereotype game, he's definitely the cute nerd. Challenging Maths problems literally gave him pleasure, which I never understood how one could possibly find pleasure in those 'things' (I made Maths sounds like a foreign gross object, I know).

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I never paid much attention to him to be honest, since we had little in common. Obviously being in different year group made it unnecessary to know one another, then the circle of friends we had were also different. As I blogged here before about my first love (it was the same school and a year later), I was with the divas, so my senior friends were from the same group too and he's obviously not one of them. He hanged out with people who talked about Chemistry, Maths and Physics which I didn't really enjoy so our paths rarely crossed if ever.

However, one day, I was chatting with a friend of mine who was also a senior, and Brandon came to us. As it happened, my friend was in the same class with him and Brandon needed something from him, so out of courtesy my friend introduced us to each other. This happened back in 2008 so I vaguely remember how it went, but I do know that we chatted after my friend left us alone afterwards. I was really enjoying the conversation which I can't remember on what, but we had a good talk, and I think that sparked some attractions in us.

After that, we bumped into each other more often (or perhaps we were more aware of walking passed one another) and talked a bit more. Since living in boarding school, you had to do your prayers in congregation especially for the dusk and night prayers. So we usually talked in between the prayers, as he often came and had a chat with me. There were always some religious lectures in that period too, but we often hanged at the back talking to one another. There was nothing unusual about it, not that I was aware of, I simply liked talking to him and I would like to think that he enjoyed it too. Sometimes I noticed before the prayer started, he would suddenly appeared and had the prayer besides me, so that we could talk afterwards. It goes without saying that I found this very lovely of him, but little did I know that he had so much more nice gestures up his sleeves.

One time, I had lost my Chemistry paper in the school's hall. It was after some exams, mid term I think, and I didn't do well in it. I was really bad in Chemistry back then (I got better the year after), so I didn't really care that much about it. That night, after supper, before I went up to my room, I bumped into him. He said he found my paper, and I immediately felt embarrassed. I knew how good he was in the subject and his reputation of being the only person that ever answered all of the Chemistry questions correctly in an exam made me feel like my stupidity was exposed to the most brilliant person ever. It became more embarrassing when he said he had take a look at it. I mean if you didn't do well in a paper, you obviously don't want anyone to look at it, let alone the one that can see all the mistakes just by flipping through the paper. I struggled with Chemistry and I was really insecure about admitting it back then.

So he gave me the paper, and I instantly took it. He asked me to take a look at the paper that night, I took this as a sign that I needed to study more and I was basically ready to get away from him then. That night I did take a look at my paper, and it was such a shocking moment when I found that he had corrected every single one of my mistakes, with all the calculations, methods and steps written clearly next to each questions. I was surprised, and the only kind of feeling I could describe was "that's so sweet of him." If this is a love story, this is definitely the point where the characters fall in love with one another. I vividly remember his handwriting and the blue pen he used to circle the correct answers in my paper. I was really touched by it. Too bad I still didn't do well in Chemistry later that year lol. When I saw him again and told him how nice of him to do that, he just smiled sheepishly and it was the cutest thing ever.

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And it didn't stop there. Oh no it didn't.

One time I was in the shower, and my friend had called me to say that the head boy was looking for me. I was instantly scared, usually when someone was called by the head boy to his room, they're in big trouble. Boarding school students always find a way to deal things in a way that's very perplexing to me. They sometimes asked the trouble maker to a room, and all the seniors with some authoritative power would deal with that person, sometimes by mere lecture but more often shout-shaming and ragging basically. I knew our head boy was nice, but he was still a serious person, highly disciplined, so I still feel a bit anxious about being called to his room, which was just a few rooms away from mine.

After the shower which I had cut short, I went to the head boy's room, braving myself of whatever it was I was about to face. So I knocked on his door and he invited me in. Then he said with his usual serious face, "Brandon wants to see you," and then I realised that Brandon was in his room too. I was puzzled, in my head I kept thinking "so I wasn't in trouble?". The head boy clearly saw that on my face and said, "I don't know what he wants, or what business the two of you have, but feel free to meet each other." and then walked to his table and continue studying. I was confused. Brandon and the head boy was in the same class so they're definitely good friends. What I didn't know was why he wanted to see me and used his friend. He could've come directly to my room, that should be less awkward, at least for me. Another thing about boarding school culture is, words travel easily, and senior-junior relationship that are out of ordinary can easily become the talk of the school. Perhaps he wanted to avoid this. So we stayed in the room, and turned out he just wanted to talk, and I was flattered again by his gesture seeing him went to great length just to talk to me. That sort of effort should be applauded.

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After the school year ended, I was at home and he had to stay for another month or so for the final graduating exam. During this time, he often phoned me. Back in the days (it was only 2008 but felt like ages) we relied on public phones to make our calls. So I know it's not cheap for him to call me, but he did anyway. We talk for ages. Again I can't remember the details of our many conversations but I know I felt happy receiving his call.

It was lovely to have a friend like him, who never stopped to make me touched by his sweet gestures. I mentioned earlier about the undefined relationship because it seemed like coquetry to me, but at the same time, there's nothing official about it that I think friendship is the best I can get to. Also, being with him made me feel like how having a big brother who's looking after me felt like. I don't have any brothers, and I know siblings can be mean to one another rather than all-loving and sweet, but it's still nice to feel loved in that sense.

In my final year at the school, he graduated but we still kept in touch. Fast forward, he's also studying in Europe but I never thought about him much until just now when I saw his tweets. We were friends on FB of course, and occasionally he would RT my tweets. I felt compelled to check on him again, which meant stalking his FB and Twitter. I thought of reaching out to him after all these years, but it might get awkward. It was such a long time ago. I wonder if he ever felt something, he's certainly cute and I won't mind if we ended up in a relationship truth be told. But in the end, it is what it is and I savour these memories. And don't get me wrong, we did have plenty of conversation and FB chats afterwards, but it's mostly casual and just updating about one another life.

In hindsight though, I could be a better friend. You see, I am such a callous person in any sort of relationship. I don't know how to make friends, I must admit to this. In terms of getting to know people, that comes easily to me, but actually making an effort of keeping a friend, I am never really good at that department. My father once said to me, "you don't know how to be a friend." and he's right about it. I could've kept in touch more with Brandon, and visits him since we're not that far away, but I just forget. People come and go, and I have other friends and other friends afterwards from prep schools, to uni, to being abroad etc etc. I just...I don't know, sometimes we missed out on friendship because there's too much to choose from, but when we finally realised we should keep the one we already have, it might be just a little too late.

Anyhow, it was nice to remember my moments with Brandon. I realise now that I should work on becoming a better friend, so that I won't lose anyone that I have now.

p/s: Sorry if this post is a bit cheesy, but I would like to put them here so that I won't forget about him. New memories are coming in, so I better keep safe the old ones huh :)