First Love

I don't have anything new to update, so I thought a walking-down-the-memory-lane post would be a nice substitute.

I've only been in a relationship once. It was quite an experience, with its peaks and troughs of emotions. If I remember correctly, our relationship lasted for about 6 months or so. We knew each other two years prior to the relationship, and even though we broke up 6 years ago, we still very much keeping in touch with one another.

Perhaps, it's more apt to call this relationship of mine a high school fling. As the name implies, we were in the same school, the same class in fact. Saif was not a person I would normally fall for, his physical appearance wasn't what people would call my type. He was slim, neatly combed hair, a typical sporty guy, with dark brown complexion. I normally prefer someone quite the opposite of these but fate had it that he would be my first. Saif was nice and gentle, with occasional bad boy character he had on when he's in his pack of jock friends (which just so happened that on one occasion he ignored me when I waved at him for fear of ridicule by his mates).

Our fond of one another didn't happen overnight, but rather a slow realisation that we liked each other after 2 years of acquaintance. High school, as many would probably experienced it, had its own social divide - the prefects, the nerds, the pious, the rich kids, the debaters, the drama club, the teacher's pet, so on and so forth. Saif and I were in different gang, I was the divas and he was obviously the jocks. So our social circle rarely had the chance to overlap, being naturally at the opposite ends of the school social spectrum. But we were in the same class in our final year of schooling, and so that lead us to get to know each other better.

I was an outspoken person, very extroverted and owned the divine gift of divaness in me. People of my sort would normally be bullied but I had a way of making myself likeable by others, and that was by seducing the guys that I know would potentially be a bully. My promiscuity had not always been something for my personal pleasure, but started as a skill to merely survive school. Many closeted gay high schoolers would know how essential it is to have the correct survival skill to go through school. One thing for sure, after school, it does gets better.

Anyhow, flirting with other boys had then become one of my natural characters, even though I wasn't intending to do so. I talked and interacted with other boys in a certain flirtatious way, and it slipped my mind that doing so might send the wrong signal. For what it worth, my strategy worked, I was safe from any sort of bullying minus a few person who secretly hated me, high school then became bearable and a place I can truly be happy and make friends.

This extended to how I interacted with Saif. I remember his sheepish smile when I teasingly caressed his hand, or when I persuaded him to give me a back rub while I pretending to be sleepy, or when I over-exaggerated my reactions to his stories like they were the most interesting things I'd ever heard. With subtle hints of affections, I began to have a soft spot for him. Little did I know that he too began to have the same feeling for me. It was mutual, and I genuinely didn't push the feelings we had. It all bred on its own and I suppose that's the sweet thing about it. I didn't pursue him, nor did he pursue me, but we found each other side by side one fine day and everything seemed beautiful.

The moment we realised that we were inseparable was a memory to be cherished. We had finished with school, and was waiting to go back home. We stayed in hostel that night and laid next to one another. Pillow talk was our thing, that's how we bonded too. As the night progressed, with our chats subdued to the song of the night, we kissed. It was uncalled for, and the both of us were slightly taken aback not knowing what it meant nor how to go forward. But after the kiss, I could see his smile through the moon rays. We cuddled and slept with out hearts tied together that night.

He was then my first kiss, my first boyfriend, and my first of many things, and I was his. Our story was somewhat resembled the typical coming-of-age tale of a gay boy finding meaning of what this all meant. During our short-lived yet highly passionate relationship, we experienced it all. I was happy, and he was too. We visited one another even though we lived at different parts of the country, and talked on the phone for hours till we had to work to earn money for our mobile top up, and we talked and loved each other like the world belonged only to the both of us.

The minute details of what we do would take more than a post, there were so many memories I had with him. Perhaps, I'll cherish those in another posts, one by one if the time allows.

The end of our relationship however was not something I'm proud of. It was me who broke it off, and that broke his heart deeply until this day. I somehow couldn't forgive myself for making him suffer for many years afterwards, but I kept in touch to check on him, making sure that he lived well and went of with his life without me.

It all started because I wanted to start anew. I was selfish of course, not realising that he would be a person I should take on that positive journey. But at the time I was still struggling with my sexuality and identity. I felt that I need to try to be straight and that same-sex relationship would lead to nowhere. Furthermore, we both earned funding to go abroad, but in a different countries. So long distance relationship would be difficult to maintain, even when we were in the same country. In retrospect, I suppose one should fight for one's love. But I was handling too much emotions at the same time, and couldn't bear more than that of my own.

So I called it off, and he was devastated. He begged for another go, but I assured him that it's best if we separated. After all, he wasn't gay to start with, and he didn't turn gay even though he had a relationship with me. He was and is still straight as he comes. Men don't interest him and our situation was different in that it's personal and individual, rather than an attraction to a specific gender. Knowing that I could potentially robbed him of the chances of normal life he could have, I backed off, doing him a favour. Or so I thought.

In many years to come, whenever we found ourself messaging one another, he would remind me of his love. And in those instances, I would ask him to let me go. He then would say he's only joking, but one can easily tell when a joke or a genuine confession was made. It ached me deeply that I had ruined a person's heart.

Since we're both abroad, summer was the only time we could meet. And every time we met, we would have passionate ex-boyfriend sex. It didn't really help our emotions to be honest, especially for him, but sex with him was different, it truly meant something. With others, it was purely physical. Until now, he only had sex with me, and I on the other hand couldn't keep track of how much guys I've slept with. I couldn't resist to have a go with Saif every summer, because the once slim boy I knew at school has now turned into a muscular dark skinned hunk. It certainly add to the pleasure, but without his muscular physique, I still loved him, and I cared for him. I still do until today, but as a friend.

He was waiting for me to come back this year as originally planned, but I haven't told him yet of the changes. There's a plan for us to stay together when I come home since he's also an unemployed fresh grad, but I suppose that plan might not come true. The last time we texted, it was a couple of weeks ago, and I finally got to hear what I wanted to, that he would try to let me go. Of course that doesn't mean we couldn't be friend, or stay together as a matter of fact. But at least, emotionally he would be free to look for his girl, and I on the other hand has made the choice to be true to myself and wait for another love to grow, just how it happened with Saif and I.

Waiting for a love that was not pushed nor pursued, but an authentic desire to be together.

Job & Flat Hunt

I suppose an update would be nice.

So I'm still on a job hunt, and it doesn't seems to be going well as I had imagined. The everyday reality is surely getting harder. There are too many things to consider, too many decisions to be made. Giving up seems to be a convenient option, but it's only a feeling in passing. I'm still hopeful as ever, so that should be okay.

With that being said however, I've been doing some part-time jobs. I'm working as a waiter and kitchen staff for a hotel restaurant, and I take up event staff role as well. These are all one-off temporary jobs but since the caterer have many events to serve, they would usually call me for the next days. So I've been busy working morning to night serving people, washing dishes, preparing food, setting up event's venues and what not.

It's very labour intensive, something I'm not entirely used to being an academician primarily. But I enjoy it very much. Apart from giving me some extra cash, it's a good place to gain a different sort of experience, something I noticed a lot of companies are looking for. So I suppose it helps me to build my CV and my proper job hunt. In all honesty, I might as well said I'm working full time since I have to be on shift from 8.00 am to 10.00 pm some days, and almost on work 6 days a week. They pay me per hour so the more I do, the more I get.

Last week was full with events. It was extremely exhausting, but rewarding at the same time. The events are mostly for VVIPs, like ministers, ambassadors and CEOs. I served three ministers last week, and served the prime minister yesterday. It's interesting to see the kind of people coming to these events and how they were expected to be served. We did a buffet-type catering last week and naturally with buffet, queue would be formed as people swarmed at the food at once. It wasn't really a long queue to be honest but there were grunts coming from these VIP guests. I suppose they're expecting to be served rather than self-serving, and waiting is not a thing they're used to. So we changed it to a more traditional waitering style for yesterday's event, that means more work for us. Like I said though, it's a different sort of thing for me too. Eavesdropping to their conversations was entertaining as well.

Apart from those, I'm also on a flat hunt. It comes with it's own hassle. So I'm planning to drop by at a letting agent office today just to see if there's any property available. Luckily I'm not being called to work today so I have some free time to spend. Finding a cheap place to stay isn't easy but I can't afford to stay at my old place anymore. We'll see how it goes, as usual, I'm hopeful as ever.

Until then, wish me luck and happy Eid.

New Route

There has been a few changes in regards to my plan. I have decided to withdraw from the job I'll be starting in October due to a loophole in the contract that I was given. Since they want me to start in October, I have yet to receive my final grade at the time. It'll be out in mid-November rather. After dropping an email asking for clarification on the situation, they said I can start first without my result and if I don't meet their requirement later then I have to leave the job.

Obviously, this isn't the best offer for me. Not that I'm too proud of myself to take up any job, but like I said, I have an inkling that I might not be able to meet their condition. Plus, there are many companies that offer a lesser condition with greater pay! To add to that, being asked to drop out after a month of working, making acquaintances, settling with housing and everything related would be highly embarrassing and not to mention cumbersome.

I basically want something that is clear. I can imagine having this sort of loophole doesn't really give me the kind of confidence to do my job well. If I got the job, I got the job, and I'll start. Afterwards, I would prefer to be judged on my working performance and not my uni result anymore.

Anyhow, for that reason, I might have to stay back a while longer here and start looking for a new job. It's quite challenging now because of visa requirements are getting much harder to get through, and not to mention it's already quite late in the year to look for an opening for fresh grad. But I'm an optimistic person, sometimes to the point of a dreamer, so I keep my faith up high.

I'm planning to start my job hunt tomorrow. I'll keep you guys updated on it. Hopefully it doesn't take me over a month to do so. Friends of mine have been trying for 6 months now and haven't got any luck. Again, I'm feeling confidence I can do this. So yeah, wish me luck :)