I'm feeling much better now, the ulcer and throat pain have subsided a couple of days ago. But I noticed I have lost my usual appetite. I eat less and don't seem to be craving for food like I used to. So I lost some weight, and the antibiotics still give me some discomfort but nothing major I can't handle.
I just met my supervisor today for the last time. My final submission is next week, and there're couple of things I have to amend for the thesis. I'm doing Master's if any of you is wondering, and I'm planning to stop my study at this stage for a while. It's quite easy to just continue doing PhD and all, there're so many offers, but I feel like I need a break from studying and start gaining real life experience so to speak.
And I'm not seeing anyone for a week now, and intend to stay that way until I decide it's time for me to be out and about again. It might take weeks or months, or even years. I had my share of fun, and after a while I realise they're all just the same really. Pure physical sex and nothing more.
Anyhow, just feel like writing to let you all know I'm doing good now. I'm finishing my study, feeling better health wise, taking care of my emotions and preparing myself to go back to my homeland.
In all honesty, I'm not sure if it's the best decision I made, but I believe at one point I have to go back and serve my nation in one way or another. I do plan to move out afterwards, and we'll see how that goes in a couple of years. The job that I'll be starting this October is also dependent upon my result, and truth to be told, I'm not doing particularly well at the moment due to disinterestedness, but I'll manage. I can look for another job if it's not going as planned, so I'm not worrying too much about that really. My only focus now is to finish my study and what comes afterwards is another story that I'm very open to. Luckily my parents are very supportive, they don't mind what kind of job I'll end up doing, even small paying job, their only hope is that I'm honest in my work and do it diligently. I can't ask for more.
I hate the pressure of expectations, just because I have a Master's degree, and spent my years abroad after school, that I should be doing some important job. People keep asking me about what kind of job I'll be doing and how much it pays, it's quite annoying really. But looking at Malaysia's current situation, with the fall of our currency and the political instability that have been going on for such a long time, I can see why the pressure is there. It's simply the need to survive, and the need to sustain oneself and those that depend on us. I sincerely hope things will get better of course. On that note, hopefully Bersih 4.0 tomorrow will show the kind of hope that we all share.
Until then, hope everything is well with you too, whoever you are dear readers :)
Friday, August 28, 2015
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Being Sick
So I'm down with a terrible health condition - that's a bit over the top, but I always pride myself for being super healthy and rarely catch a cold or fever.
Which is why when I was down with a fever for almost a week, I got a bit anxious. What if I have this, what if it was that, what if...what if...
After the awkward date episode, my tongue ulcer reached its peak. Anyone who had an ulcer before knows that ulcers usually have its slaying head moment during the third to fifth day of its unwelcome existence. So I had to bear that while at the same time my gum wasn't anywhere better. The fever and diarrhoea the night before didn't help either to reduce my already moody and depressed state from the date and life generally.
So I decided to see a dentist thinking all these might be related to my oral problem. The dentist then prescribed me with Metronidazole which is some pretty strong shit, and literally shit, like it makes you poop...a lot. My sister (the doctor) said the med covers digestive infection too, and I was put on the antibacteria because the dentist thought my gum condition was caused by bacterial infection.
At the same time, I felt some burning sensation in my throat that progressed to a much worse condition a couple of days later. I had difficulty swallowing, and I wasn't even coughing to make it seems like it was inflammed from overcoughing etc. The fever on the other hand stayed with me during this whole ordeal.
Having all these together just keep feeding into my health anxiety. Being sexually active, this can be a bit alarming since like I mentioned, I do rarely get sick and I might have caught something from someone. So to clear up my mind and finding out what exactly made me sick, I went to sexual health clinic to get a full sexual health test. A lot of the symptoms I have are similar to those that could come from STDs, but the surest way to know is by getting tested.
I spent a bit of time in the clinic, talking to a health councillor after getting my samples taken to really just talk about my anxiety. He spent almost 45 minutes on me trying to present different scenarios of what might happen realistically, and that I had low risk from our conversation of how I conducted myself during sex i.e. use protection without question, and that if I ever tested positive, what would it mean really and why does it bothers me.
In a way, I felt a bit better from my session with him. I'm not sure if such a service is given in Malaysia, because all these are all free of charge, and I just had to walk in really and say what my problem was. Not only they were helpful, they went to a great length to make sure that I feel ok. And talking about sexual activity with your doctor is really important, and I cannot stress this enough. For many reasons really, but I'm not sure how open would doctors in Malaysia to hear about my promiscuity when I had to disclose these information for health purposes.
Anyhow, the health councillor said he'll keep an eye on my test and called me when they're done with the result. Usually it'll take about 10 days for you to get your result back, but I received a call from the doctor the very next day and was informed that I was negative. It was a relief to hear, but it didn't rule out that my condition must be caused by something. At this point, I couldn't even put food in my mouth. All I could go for in one day was an omelette, a piece of bread and mushroom soup - with difficulty in swallowing all of these. I suspected that I might have a throat infection instead and decided to go to a general clinic to get it checked.
As it turned out, it was a throat infection indeed. Strep throat more precisely. After checking the symptoms online, it matches with all that I had. I was prescribed Penicillin for my throat and had to take that for 10 days. I was still on Metronidazole, and only God knows how terrible the side effects of these strong antibiotics are.
It's been a week now and I feel generally much better. I still get a bit burning feeling when swallowing, and my tongue suddenly becomes very dry. It's hard to go on the day with the malaise, which I think is what the antibiotics are giving me now. Still I had to finish its course. The challenge in all this is that my final submission is next week and I had dropped an email in the middle of the week to my supervisor saying I'm ill. I thought I could get it done by the end of the week feeling strong with my condition, but clearly I'm not Wolverine that could heal myself. So I still have to endure the work among all these. Perhaps I'll stay at the library tomorrow to push myself to finish it so that I can get a proper rest while the antibiotics go to town in my body.
Oh before I end, being sick got me thinking that it might be the time to ease up on certain things in my life as well. That being deleting profiles on dating apps and focusing on being healthy after this episode - physically and mentally. I know I said this before, but I think this sickness is like a slap in the face for me to start practicing some abstinence finally.
Which is why when I was down with a fever for almost a week, I got a bit anxious. What if I have this, what if it was that, what if...what if...
After the awkward date episode, my tongue ulcer reached its peak. Anyone who had an ulcer before knows that ulcers usually have its slaying head moment during the third to fifth day of its unwelcome existence. So I had to bear that while at the same time my gum wasn't anywhere better. The fever and diarrhoea the night before didn't help either to reduce my already moody and depressed state from the date and life generally.
So I decided to see a dentist thinking all these might be related to my oral problem. The dentist then prescribed me with Metronidazole which is some pretty strong shit, and literally shit, like it makes you poop...a lot. My sister (the doctor) said the med covers digestive infection too, and I was put on the antibacteria because the dentist thought my gum condition was caused by bacterial infection.
At the same time, I felt some burning sensation in my throat that progressed to a much worse condition a couple of days later. I had difficulty swallowing, and I wasn't even coughing to make it seems like it was inflammed from overcoughing etc. The fever on the other hand stayed with me during this whole ordeal.
Having all these together just keep feeding into my health anxiety. Being sexually active, this can be a bit alarming since like I mentioned, I do rarely get sick and I might have caught something from someone. So to clear up my mind and finding out what exactly made me sick, I went to sexual health clinic to get a full sexual health test. A lot of the symptoms I have are similar to those that could come from STDs, but the surest way to know is by getting tested.
I spent a bit of time in the clinic, talking to a health councillor after getting my samples taken to really just talk about my anxiety. He spent almost 45 minutes on me trying to present different scenarios of what might happen realistically, and that I had low risk from our conversation of how I conducted myself during sex i.e. use protection without question, and that if I ever tested positive, what would it mean really and why does it bothers me.
In a way, I felt a bit better from my session with him. I'm not sure if such a service is given in Malaysia, because all these are all free of charge, and I just had to walk in really and say what my problem was. Not only they were helpful, they went to a great length to make sure that I feel ok. And talking about sexual activity with your doctor is really important, and I cannot stress this enough. For many reasons really, but I'm not sure how open would doctors in Malaysia to hear about my promiscuity when I had to disclose these information for health purposes.
Anyhow, the health councillor said he'll keep an eye on my test and called me when they're done with the result. Usually it'll take about 10 days for you to get your result back, but I received a call from the doctor the very next day and was informed that I was negative. It was a relief to hear, but it didn't rule out that my condition must be caused by something. At this point, I couldn't even put food in my mouth. All I could go for in one day was an omelette, a piece of bread and mushroom soup - with difficulty in swallowing all of these. I suspected that I might have a throat infection instead and decided to go to a general clinic to get it checked.
As it turned out, it was a throat infection indeed. Strep throat more precisely. After checking the symptoms online, it matches with all that I had. I was prescribed Penicillin for my throat and had to take that for 10 days. I was still on Metronidazole, and only God knows how terrible the side effects of these strong antibiotics are.
It's been a week now and I feel generally much better. I still get a bit burning feeling when swallowing, and my tongue suddenly becomes very dry. It's hard to go on the day with the malaise, which I think is what the antibiotics are giving me now. Still I had to finish its course. The challenge in all this is that my final submission is next week and I had dropped an email in the middle of the week to my supervisor saying I'm ill. I thought I could get it done by the end of the week feeling strong with my condition, but clearly I'm not Wolverine that could heal myself. So I still have to endure the work among all these. Perhaps I'll stay at the library tomorrow to push myself to finish it so that I can get a proper rest while the antibiotics go to town in my body.
Oh before I end, being sick got me thinking that it might be the time to ease up on certain things in my life as well. That being deleting profiles on dating apps and focusing on being healthy after this episode - physically and mentally. I know I said this before, but I think this sickness is like a slap in the face for me to start practicing some abstinence finally.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Awkward Date
So I just came back from the most awkward date ever. I wouldn't even call it a date since we're not looking for a long-term relationship, but more of a hookup with a touch of casualty.
There were too many awkward moments and I honestly don't know where to begin.
So Adrian found me on Grindr. This was exactly a week ago. He texted me and I duly replied. I was meeting another guy from Grindr during the time and was of course keeping it casual.
I'm sure a lot of you know what Grindr is for. As my roommate beautifully put it, "the app's name is 'Grind(ing)', what else would you expect?".
Since I was already meeting up another person during the time, there wasn't much point to flirt around. With all that being said about Grindr, I'm always positively hopeful of the good things that might come out of it, like a good long term, fill with commitment relationship.
Now we talked and chatted a bit, like the things we're into and all that kind of stuff. Then he went silent for a week until he texted me again yesterday.
As usual, I'm always open for any possibilities. I was waiting to meet another person yesterday, but he ended up sick and had to cancel, so after a few texts, Adrian and I arranged to meet today.
But I woke up with a small tongue ulcer this morning and a swollen gum. I suspected it's from my sleeping position, I might've pushed the tongue against my teeth. So I informed Adrian that I couldn't do anything oral as the ulcer is painful, and the swollen gum is very uncomfortable. For that reason we agreed to just take a walk.
Sensing that taking a walk by its very nature is awkward, he suggested a movie instead, which I agreed. The chat around this arrangement was the start to the most awkward evening ever. I told him I would check what's good on show, and if there's anything worth going, we would do cinema movie and if not we would just do home movie. So I said perhaps Magic Mike XXL, Pixels or Trainwreck would be fun to watch. To which he said he didn't know any of it and would prefer anything as long as it's not horror or violence movie.
To this I was like, OMFG! HOW CAN ANYONE NOT KNOW MAGIC MIKE! AND YOU'RE GAYYYYYY!
I think he also assumed Trainwreck to be a violence movie, thus his reply. But after politely saying that it's a comedy, we're set to watch Trainwreck. Obviously in my mind I wanna watch John Cena's sexy bum! I could go to town with his ass in front of me! And I thought that might interest Adrian too, you know what with being gay and all.
He was 10 minutes early than we set, so I had to dash to meet him. The moment we saw one another, I can feel that we have no chemistry whatsoever. Like zero, nadaa!
It's not that he's not attractive or anything, he's good looking, well-built and city professional. But I don't know, I can just sense that we're not really a match to one another. But since we already have the plan in mind, it's more awkward to end it, and like any other decent person, chances should always be given. For all I know, he might be very likeable indeed and I might be spending the best evening ever.
But hell to the no!
For one, he's not very talkative, and it gets a bit irritating to be the one that's keep asking the question and keep it running. Second, when he did speak, it's more like a mumble than a proper enunciated sentence. Third, his replies were brief and short-lived. I can't even save some of the topics I started.
Obviously I was somewhat uncomfortable with the situation. Thus the awkward silence begun. We took a walk to the cinema in like 50% silence, and the other half were just the like I mentioned above.
To add to the already awkward situation, we arranged to get some food before the movie. So we went to Pizza Hut next to the cinema. At this point, the awkward silence took over 70% of the time and I was literally restless inside. Then the problem with Pizza Hut didn't really help either. The waiter was super nice which obviously put a big contrast to the dynamics we didn't have. Then there were so many people in the place, what was already a mumble from Adrian's mouth turned to a fucking whisper. And then the pizza took ages to come, so we had to pretend (at least I was) we had a good time having some good conversation while frantically looking for that super nice waiter to serve our pizza.
Then came the movie I was looking forward to see. During the movie, I really really enjoyed myself. I mean I laughed, jerked forward during some funny moments, gasped here and there, generally just being a proper cinephile. But he was like a statue, nothing moved, nothing came out of his mouth, and no reactions whatsoever. I obviously felt a bit anxious since I chose the movie and felt guilty if he wasn't enjoying himself. But it was such a good movie, well romcom level of good, obviously not Oscar level, but nonetheless it was a hilarious movie!
When the ticket girl asked us how was the movie afterwards, I was like "Oh it was so good, like so funny.", but he's like "yeah it was alright!".
Alright? Alright!?
Next came the most awkward point, the 'do you wanna head back to mine?' question. I asked him what he wanted to do and he mumbled something like "I don't know." I literally gave up trying then to make the evening enjoyable, but one last thing that might be able to make it a bit better was sex of course.
The cinema was just 5 minutes away from my place, so I invited him over. We walked in silence of course.
Upon entering my place, we just get on with it. Since I couldn't do anything oral, I wasn't particularly enjoying it much. Oral stimulation is a big thing in sex and without it you just have to rely on other's good will of 'serving' you to get you hard. And did I mention that I wanked an hour before the date, because I wasn't really planning on having sex and. It was a last resort kinda thing to rekindle what was there in out text messages.
Then the awkward moment continued...
First he came too soon. I was about to top him when he shot his load. I was like, "what the hell!". He didn't even signal it coming and didn't even jerked. So I asked him whether he really want me in him and he said, "yeah sure." It's like 'yeah you can do whatever you want, I don't really care.'
I personally don't like that kind of sex. If you wanna get on with me, be up for it, be enthusiastic, be prepared (I won't even talk about his seemingly unprepared bottom), and just basically be horny damn it.
So I lost my own libido. Since I'm the top, that spelled disaster to my guy down there. I couldn't get it hard. Having previously wanked and not really have the sex drive just didn't do me any good. After 10 minutes of trying in vain, I gave up. I just said, "I can't do this, I'm sorry."
We had no spark, no chemistry, no match whatsoever...and I just couldn't do it. It was frustrating, and somewhat embarrassing.
I sensed that he was a bit disappointed by that but I mean he had his fault too like coming too quickly. Many people would see that as the end, not the start of a sex session. After lying there exchanging remarks like "Sorry again," and "Oh not it's ok I should be sorry" etc he put his clothes on and left. He even suggested me to go see a doctor...and I'm like, 'dude, I had sex more than you can ever imagine, if my guy doesn't like you, he won't get hard.'
The goodbye kiss or hug or whatever was it just now was another awkward moment.
*sigh* so that's how my evening went today. I suppose I was expecting too much maybe. But from the little information I gathered from him, he was a late bloomer, never had a relationship (like ever), and was just starting to enter the dating or hookup game like a couple of months ago. He literally just entered the gay world. He wasn't even out. I mean I'm out and proud, had too many experience for my age, and basically enthusiastic about a lot of things. So we were basically quite the opposite to one another.
Adrian is the kind of person who caught up with career and the kind that focused on one thing only to realise his time had passed. He's in early thirties btw for those of you wondering. But at least he's making his way now. He realised this fact, as in that I obviously slept around with guys while he's just starting out in this gay world. In a way I felt like I was being judged on it.
My life atm is literally like Amy in Trainwreck, another reason I really wanna watch the movies. I relate to her character and the funny moments happened from being the persons we are.
I suppose one thing I learnt from today is not to jump into a date if you don't really feel like it. I mean we arranged it as such because I couldn't do anything oral, that's all. If I don't have the ulcer, I would just head over to his place and fuck his brain out and be done with it. That's what he was proposing at first anyhow.
Spending time like taking a stroll, grab some food, and watch a movie together must only be reserved to someone that you really wanna work something out of it. As of now, I only have one person I would wanna do those things. But he lives 200 miles away. We skyped everyday and I'm so looking forward to see him at the end of this month.
I mean one other thing that you can do is keeping it the old-fashioned way as well. Like if you have a colleague that you really like and you already know each other on the surface and would like to get to know each other more, these are more suited. But if you really just looking for a fuck, then there's no need for beating around the bush kind of hanging out, just get on with it really.
And save yourself all these awkward moments.
There were too many awkward moments and I honestly don't know where to begin.
So Adrian found me on Grindr. This was exactly a week ago. He texted me and I duly replied. I was meeting another guy from Grindr during the time and was of course keeping it casual.
I'm sure a lot of you know what Grindr is for. As my roommate beautifully put it, "the app's name is 'Grind(ing)', what else would you expect?".
Since I was already meeting up another person during the time, there wasn't much point to flirt around. With all that being said about Grindr, I'm always positively hopeful of the good things that might come out of it, like a good long term, fill with commitment relationship.
Now we talked and chatted a bit, like the things we're into and all that kind of stuff. Then he went silent for a week until he texted me again yesterday.
As usual, I'm always open for any possibilities. I was waiting to meet another person yesterday, but he ended up sick and had to cancel, so after a few texts, Adrian and I arranged to meet today.
But I woke up with a small tongue ulcer this morning and a swollen gum. I suspected it's from my sleeping position, I might've pushed the tongue against my teeth. So I informed Adrian that I couldn't do anything oral as the ulcer is painful, and the swollen gum is very uncomfortable. For that reason we agreed to just take a walk.
Sensing that taking a walk by its very nature is awkward, he suggested a movie instead, which I agreed. The chat around this arrangement was the start to the most awkward evening ever. I told him I would check what's good on show, and if there's anything worth going, we would do cinema movie and if not we would just do home movie. So I said perhaps Magic Mike XXL, Pixels or Trainwreck would be fun to watch. To which he said he didn't know any of it and would prefer anything as long as it's not horror or violence movie.
To this I was like, OMFG! HOW CAN ANYONE NOT KNOW MAGIC MIKE! AND YOU'RE GAYYYYYY!
It's not that he's not attractive or anything, he's good looking, well-built and city professional. But I don't know, I can just sense that we're not really a match to one another. But since we already have the plan in mind, it's more awkward to end it, and like any other decent person, chances should always be given. For all I know, he might be very likeable indeed and I might be spending the best evening ever.
But hell to the no!
For one, he's not very talkative, and it gets a bit irritating to be the one that's keep asking the question and keep it running. Second, when he did speak, it's more like a mumble than a proper enunciated sentence. Third, his replies were brief and short-lived. I can't even save some of the topics I started.
Obviously I was somewhat uncomfortable with the situation. Thus the awkward silence begun. We took a walk to the cinema in like 50% silence, and the other half were just the like I mentioned above.
To add to the already awkward situation, we arranged to get some food before the movie. So we went to Pizza Hut next to the cinema. At this point, the awkward silence took over 70% of the time and I was literally restless inside. Then the problem with Pizza Hut didn't really help either. The waiter was super nice which obviously put a big contrast to the dynamics we didn't have. Then there were so many people in the place, what was already a mumble from Adrian's mouth turned to a fucking whisper. And then the pizza took ages to come, so we had to pretend (at least I was) we had a good time having some good conversation while frantically looking for that super nice waiter to serve our pizza.
Then came the movie I was looking forward to see. During the movie, I really really enjoyed myself. I mean I laughed, jerked forward during some funny moments, gasped here and there, generally just being a proper cinephile. But he was like a statue, nothing moved, nothing came out of his mouth, and no reactions whatsoever. I obviously felt a bit anxious since I chose the movie and felt guilty if he wasn't enjoying himself. But it was such a good movie, well romcom level of good, obviously not Oscar level, but nonetheless it was a hilarious movie!
When the ticket girl asked us how was the movie afterwards, I was like "Oh it was so good, like so funny.", but he's like "yeah it was alright!".
Alright? Alright!?
Next came the most awkward point, the 'do you wanna head back to mine?' question. I asked him what he wanted to do and he mumbled something like "I don't know." I literally gave up trying then to make the evening enjoyable, but one last thing that might be able to make it a bit better was sex of course.
The cinema was just 5 minutes away from my place, so I invited him over. We walked in silence of course.
Upon entering my place, we just get on with it. Since I couldn't do anything oral, I wasn't particularly enjoying it much. Oral stimulation is a big thing in sex and without it you just have to rely on other's good will of 'serving' you to get you hard. And did I mention that I wanked an hour before the date, because I wasn't really planning on having sex and. It was a last resort kinda thing to rekindle what was there in out text messages.
Then the awkward moment continued...
First he came too soon. I was about to top him when he shot his load. I was like, "what the hell!". He didn't even signal it coming and didn't even jerked. So I asked him whether he really want me in him and he said, "yeah sure." It's like 'yeah you can do whatever you want, I don't really care.'
I personally don't like that kind of sex. If you wanna get on with me, be up for it, be enthusiastic, be prepared (I won't even talk about his seemingly unprepared bottom), and just basically be horny damn it.
So I lost my own libido. Since I'm the top, that spelled disaster to my guy down there. I couldn't get it hard. Having previously wanked and not really have the sex drive just didn't do me any good. After 10 minutes of trying in vain, I gave up. I just said, "I can't do this, I'm sorry."
We had no spark, no chemistry, no match whatsoever...and I just couldn't do it. It was frustrating, and somewhat embarrassing.
I sensed that he was a bit disappointed by that but I mean he had his fault too like coming too quickly. Many people would see that as the end, not the start of a sex session. After lying there exchanging remarks like "Sorry again," and "Oh not it's ok I should be sorry" etc he put his clothes on and left. He even suggested me to go see a doctor...and I'm like, 'dude, I had sex more than you can ever imagine, if my guy doesn't like you, he won't get hard.'
The goodbye kiss or hug or whatever was it just now was another awkward moment.
*sigh* so that's how my evening went today. I suppose I was expecting too much maybe. But from the little information I gathered from him, he was a late bloomer, never had a relationship (like ever), and was just starting to enter the dating or hookup game like a couple of months ago. He literally just entered the gay world. He wasn't even out. I mean I'm out and proud, had too many experience for my age, and basically enthusiastic about a lot of things. So we were basically quite the opposite to one another.
Adrian is the kind of person who caught up with career and the kind that focused on one thing only to realise his time had passed. He's in early thirties btw for those of you wondering. But at least he's making his way now. He realised this fact, as in that I obviously slept around with guys while he's just starting out in this gay world. In a way I felt like I was being judged on it.
My life atm is literally like Amy in Trainwreck, another reason I really wanna watch the movies. I relate to her character and the funny moments happened from being the persons we are.
I suppose one thing I learnt from today is not to jump into a date if you don't really feel like it. I mean we arranged it as such because I couldn't do anything oral, that's all. If I don't have the ulcer, I would just head over to his place and fuck his brain out and be done with it. That's what he was proposing at first anyhow.
Spending time like taking a stroll, grab some food, and watch a movie together must only be reserved to someone that you really wanna work something out of it. As of now, I only have one person I would wanna do those things. But he lives 200 miles away. We skyped everyday and I'm so looking forward to see him at the end of this month.
I mean one other thing that you can do is keeping it the old-fashioned way as well. Like if you have a colleague that you really like and you already know each other on the surface and would like to get to know each other more, these are more suited. But if you really just looking for a fuck, then there's no need for beating around the bush kind of hanging out, just get on with it really.
And save yourself all these awkward moments.
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