Another Malay-Partnered Guy

So last night I met another guy. (Ok I did warned you before that I am quite promiscuous, but the safe kind of course, not some addicts)

Let call him Jason for the sake of this post okay. He's white, around 40 years of age and owns a company.

I'll cut the story short, Jason is also in a relationship with a Malay guy. Again that piece of information was only dropped to me when we met, unsurprisingly.

What ran through my head was "What am I? A magnet for people to use when they get bored with their Malay boyfriend?"

It wasn't a good feeling I must say, but then again I travelled a bit to meet this person and had the trouble on getting the train to his place. So I had no choice but to continue our meeting as planned.

It turns out that they were together for 2 years, and his boyfriend is also a student, just finishing his degree. At this time of the year, the exam result just come out, so too for his boyfriend. 

Jason was actually thinking to call our meeting off because his boyfriend unfortunately didn't manage to get the grade he wanted. So Jason thought of going to see his boyfriend instead to comfort him. But being a student myself, I understand that feeling when you don't get the result you wanted and what you need is just a bit of some times alone, so Jason let his boyfriend to have that space.

I wasn't feeling very excited once I know he's still in a relationship, as we were sneaking around behind his boyfriend's back. Jason did mention though that they might ending it since his boyfriend is going back to Malaysia for good as he had finished his studies. So it's fair for him to see me.

Perhaps I should make it clear to anyone I'm seeing that I prefer single guy. But truth to be told, I don't expect partnered guys, or even married guys to go around looking at other single guys. I mean you already have your soulmate so to speak, us single guys want to find ours as well.

The day turned out well nonetheless, we chatted some more, and I got a hint of who his boyfriend is. I mean I pretty much know all the Malay students in my locality so it's not hard to pinpoint who. But I told him to not reveal it to me as I really don't like to intervene into other people's life and matter. For me, gossip is just bad...a disease really, and I'm trying to stay away from that kind of temptation as far as possible.

We then had some fun, I won't go into detail on that part of course. It's still Ramadhan so all is clean here haha. He reminded me afterwards that his boyfriend is coming to stay with him for 2 weeks and so it's best if I don't try to reach him to avoid any awkward situations. That's why people, when you're with a person who's in relationship...things are just complicated.

I don't think I would be seeing this person anymore, I might but I don't know. I'm good to hang out, going to the clubs as friends, but to go through the trouble of traveling again to his place might not be in my to-do-list anymore.

All these things really just give me the experience of getting to know guys. People can argue against that, but I've met so many different kind of people and so many experiences with guys that as of now, I kinda want to stay single. Again looking at these people having affair behind their partner's back doesn't really give me the hope for what I wanted. Then again, it might not be the best of me to generalise, people are different.

Do I want a relationship? Of course I do! 

Do I want a monogamous one? That's the hard bit I begin to question.

Relationship Goal

So I just came back from meeting a guy tonight (yes I know it's Ramadhan, but don't worry nothing NSFW went on). He's a Latino, city professional, 30 years of age. For the purpose of this post let's call him Collin.

We spent the night walking around the city getting to know one another. It was okay at first then he dropped the bomb...."I'm married."

I lost my cool inside obviously, keeping my face calm, "Oh yeah, cool."

I mean I really don't prefer to mess around with people in a relationship. I mean who does, right? If you're in a relationship, you would hope that your significant other wouldn't go around messing with other dudes.

But what can I do, I already took the time out to spend with him, so I might as well stay with him and see how the night went. In my mind, I was thinking either he's in an open relationship (marriage that is!), or that he's just being unfaithful. Either way, I realised I shouldn't judge him straight away since we were only talking and hadn't done anything sexual. He might just want to be friends for all I know.

So he went on and said he's married to a Malay guy, which then became interesting as we talked about how he handled the situation being in the marriage as the other half.

They were together for 14 years now, and that was a great deal of work to maintain a relationship let alone marriage. Any gay guys know this. I was quite concerned with how his partner came out to his family knowing that he's a Malay just like me, and how Collin handled that as well.

So it seems that since they were together for that long, it wasn't hard for his husband's family to realise that they were in a relationship. From the story he told me, the family pretty much handled it well, though they don't talk about it much.

For me I think that's good enough. As long as his husband doesn't have to hide who he is, and that his family is still with him, accepting who he is, that's an achievement not many Malay gays can afford. Collin said his husband's family knew who he is and he spent a lot of time in Malaysia too with them. They seem pretty close to each other so all is well.

I was quite envious then with his husband, and respect my boundary with Collin. I was of course disappointed that he didn't make it clear he was married when we texted before meeting.

But the night turned out well. We went to a few gay venues just scouting really, and walked along a river, eating street foods and had some drinks. He did mention that the reason he went out with me was that they were going through some phases with their sexual life. Quoting Collin, "he's not explorative enough." Not shockingly, his husband didn't know he's out with me.

As much as I like this guy, I don't want to be a person that's involved in other people's relationship. As I see it, Collin can be a good friend and that's about it.

I've yet to see how this go but I definitely know that there is some hope in being a gay Malay that is in a relationship with a supportive family. I can't compare and generalise the situation, but at least with this real life story it sure gives a bit of hope.

I won't change my family's views nor I want them to change mine, but I do want them to accept me for who I am just as much as I accept them for who they are.

Maybe one day I'll find my own significant other and we can be happily married.

And when I think about it again, marriage is a big thing, there are bound to be some obstacles. Collin also mentioned that the reason he sought other guy was to rekindle his love for his husband and for his emotional needs too. Which I really don't get, but knowing that in the end it all boils down to his husband is enough to make me see that Collin love his husband very very much.

*sigh* don't you want that kind of partner in your life? That's a relationship goal we might not know if we stop trying...

A Few Changes

So I decided to make a few changes to the blog.

I've decided to go fully English, and will talk about the experience of being Gay and Asian (and Muslim too) so that it can resonates with a lot more people. So everyone can come and read my blog, that is if it's interesting enough.

I've yet to see where this will go, I might go back to the hybrid-style. I'm more comfortable writing in English as a way of telling a story, and Malay as a way of bringing my fabulous Felicia out of me - which is apparent in my previous posts.

I've also change the name of the blog to Gaysian Life. I think it's apparent where 'Gaysian' stems from - Gay and Asian.

So yeah, this is all new to me, blogging and everything. So we'll see how it goes alright. If you have any doubts, I don't mind some feedbacks. The comment section is always open for you to drop your presence here.

Until then, adios :)

The Challenge of Ramadhan

So it's Ramadhan, and happy Ramadhan to all my Muslim readers.

Tahun ni, macam tahun lepas, puasa di perantauan. And since it's summer, days are longer and the restrain becomes a bit more challenging than usual.

For me, Ramadhan has always been a challenge. Not because I'm not a practicing Muslim, but I always feel the need to drink water, the need to eat food, and the need to be energised to do my work.

Entahlah, I think this is the thing yang I feel deep down and apa yang orang lain rasa juga (boleh tak putting this word into other people's mouth haha). But I wholeheartedly believe apa yang Tuhan arahkan sememangnya penuh dengan hikmah. Dialah yang Maha Mengetahui. Memang jujurnya sukar lah nak puasa, nak-nak lama sampai 19 jam kan, tapi nya itulah yang diperintahkanNya.

There are fatwas that allowed one to start fasting from the time of their usual breakfast like at 6am or 7am, and fast until around 7.30pm-ish. The literalist approach i.e. literally from dawn to dusk can be followed and are allowed to do so, but for those who see this unbearable there are other measures, scholarly discussed and allowed, ways of fasting.

(Note that to use a pandangan dan fatwa, one really need to educate oneself in relation to the opinion. Dan ambil pandangan tu sebab ada memenuhi keperluan yang disenaraikan, and not pick and choose according to nafsu. Admittedly sesetengah pandangan dan fatwa ni banyak nya dalam Bahasa Arab so kalau tak mahir BA agak sukar nak tahu kewujudan diskusi tentang perkara ini. Ianya of course perkara yang khilaf, jadi bila mengambil satu jalan pastikan ianya dilakukan dengan ilmu. Andai tak fasih BA, dapatkan mereka yang mahir BA untuk sama-sama mengkaji pandangan itu.)

I was tempted to take this other approach, tapinya I still can tahan sampai lewat malam so I don't see the need yet. Cuma kebelakangan ni (macam dah masuk minggu ke 3 Ramadhan pula haha padahal baru beberapa hari) rasa macam ada keperluan untuk ambil pandangan yang lain ini.

Sebabnya I need to do my work and it's very hard to focus during the day. I have to finish my reading and writing in 2 months and I can't lose a month by being sluggish. So shortening my fast will really help me in this regards.

At the same time, I'm such a sexual person. I will admit that. My blog walaupun bertajuk Diari PLU Mencari Erti Kehidupan, macam penuh dengan meaning dan sebagainya kan, tapi sebenarnya my PLU life is laden with sexual encounters with men and my promiscuity. And since this is what I would call my gay life, it's naturally what I want to talk about. But I don't think it would be an appropriate thing so to speak to talk about my sex life here with all its graphic details. I might not be putting the complete 'who I am' thing. I'm very sexual, but I am also fun, humble, intellectual etc etc too.

So with that being said, being hmm horny (I feel so bad using this term in Ramadhan) is natural. I can't help it. I really need to know how to control this, so if any of you have a good idea on how to restrain from this sexual feeling, by all means please do share with me. I just don't know how to control it dengan Ramadhan ni.

For an insight, I usually have some 'fun' with men every week and if not, generally there'll be sexting every day etc. Please don't be grossed out by me, I'm genuinely out of idea on how to control this in Ramadhan. It's always being a struggle.

Sebenarnya I do hope being in Ramadhan I can be a better person. I will try to be. I'm not an angel, but I don't want to be a Satan as well. The thing is it's quite hard to admit that since all the Syaitans are digari, kalau you buat benda jahat, it's actually you yourself that is jahat and you can't blame Syaitan. So yeah, it's like a self-realisation-dilemma kinda thing I suppose.

Anyhow, I just thought of dropping a post. I'm struggling to keep my feeling calm at the moment, genuinely feel a bit unsteady due to this short period of celibacy.

Any help is highly appreciated, and sorry for some honest insight into my life.

Happy Ramadhan to all ya, jangan nakal-nakal although I might need that more than anyone else, haha! :)