The Challenge of Ramadhan

So it's Ramadhan, and happy Ramadhan to all my Muslim readers.

Tahun ni, macam tahun lepas, puasa di perantauan. And since it's summer, days are longer and the restrain becomes a bit more challenging than usual.

For me, Ramadhan has always been a challenge. Not because I'm not a practicing Muslim, but I always feel the need to drink water, the need to eat food, and the need to be energised to do my work.

Entahlah, I think this is the thing yang I feel deep down and apa yang orang lain rasa juga (boleh tak putting this word into other people's mouth haha). But I wholeheartedly believe apa yang Tuhan arahkan sememangnya penuh dengan hikmah. Dialah yang Maha Mengetahui. Memang jujurnya sukar lah nak puasa, nak-nak lama sampai 19 jam kan, tapi nya itulah yang diperintahkanNya.

There are fatwas that allowed one to start fasting from the time of their usual breakfast like at 6am or 7am, and fast until around 7.30pm-ish. The literalist approach i.e. literally from dawn to dusk can be followed and are allowed to do so, but for those who see this unbearable there are other measures, scholarly discussed and allowed, ways of fasting.

(Note that to use a pandangan dan fatwa, one really need to educate oneself in relation to the opinion. Dan ambil pandangan tu sebab ada memenuhi keperluan yang disenaraikan, and not pick and choose according to nafsu. Admittedly sesetengah pandangan dan fatwa ni banyak nya dalam Bahasa Arab so kalau tak mahir BA agak sukar nak tahu kewujudan diskusi tentang perkara ini. Ianya of course perkara yang khilaf, jadi bila mengambil satu jalan pastikan ianya dilakukan dengan ilmu. Andai tak fasih BA, dapatkan mereka yang mahir BA untuk sama-sama mengkaji pandangan itu.)

I was tempted to take this other approach, tapinya I still can tahan sampai lewat malam so I don't see the need yet. Cuma kebelakangan ni (macam dah masuk minggu ke 3 Ramadhan pula haha padahal baru beberapa hari) rasa macam ada keperluan untuk ambil pandangan yang lain ini.

Sebabnya I need to do my work and it's very hard to focus during the day. I have to finish my reading and writing in 2 months and I can't lose a month by being sluggish. So shortening my fast will really help me in this regards.

At the same time, I'm such a sexual person. I will admit that. My blog walaupun bertajuk Diari PLU Mencari Erti Kehidupan, macam penuh dengan meaning dan sebagainya kan, tapi sebenarnya my PLU life is laden with sexual encounters with men and my promiscuity. And since this is what I would call my gay life, it's naturally what I want to talk about. But I don't think it would be an appropriate thing so to speak to talk about my sex life here with all its graphic details. I might not be putting the complete 'who I am' thing. I'm very sexual, but I am also fun, humble, intellectual etc etc too.

So with that being said, being hmm horny (I feel so bad using this term in Ramadhan) is natural. I can't help it. I really need to know how to control this, so if any of you have a good idea on how to restrain from this sexual feeling, by all means please do share with me. I just don't know how to control it dengan Ramadhan ni.

For an insight, I usually have some 'fun' with men every week and if not, generally there'll be sexting every day etc. Please don't be grossed out by me, I'm genuinely out of idea on how to control this in Ramadhan. It's always being a struggle.

Sebenarnya I do hope being in Ramadhan I can be a better person. I will try to be. I'm not an angel, but I don't want to be a Satan as well. The thing is it's quite hard to admit that since all the Syaitans are digari, kalau you buat benda jahat, it's actually you yourself that is jahat and you can't blame Syaitan. So yeah, it's like a self-realisation-dilemma kinda thing I suppose.

Anyhow, I just thought of dropping a post. I'm struggling to keep my feeling calm at the moment, genuinely feel a bit unsteady due to this short period of celibacy.

Any help is highly appreciated, and sorry for some honest insight into my life.

Happy Ramadhan to all ya, jangan nakal-nakal although I might need that more than anyone else, haha! :)