My supervisor emailed me today asking me how I'm doing and what's happening with my writings.
I could just say to him that I had been procrastinating with my work and too distracted to work on the paper. Partly due to the fact that I'm no longer interested in my field of study, and partly due to my high sex drive. I might become a proper sex addict if I don't control myself. I need to pull myself together and start focusing on what is important in my life - study, work and career.
Truth to be told, I hookup with guys because I feel empty. I need something to fill this void. I found it in casual sex, but soon I realise it was only temporary. The euphoria that it gives me is short-lived and so I keep looking for it endlessly. Just like drugs, where it provides you with the good sensation, but it won't last long. Truly, what I want is a loving partner. A person that can fill my empty heart.
The tricky bit is I can't have a boyfriend now. The reason is because I'm going off in a couple of months back to Malaysia so finding a boyfriend here is not going to work. Even if I found someone, I can't do long-distant relationship. So it's either I stay here and then find a boyfriend, or I go back and find someone there.
Therefore, this couple of months, I can't be in any commitment. I don't want any drama whatsoever in regards to my career life. I guess I just have to be patient and endure this couple of months alone and focus on my work instead. Which is something that I should do anyhow.
So I emailed back to him apologising with my irregular schedule and mentioned that I had trouble with writing, which he understood being a researcher himself and from our previous meetings. He emailed me back saying try to keep it consistent by writing 300-500 words per day and not to be stressed with it. I truly appreciate his understanding nature and am so grateful that I chose him to be my supervisor.
I guess talking about it here wouldn't solve my problem, but it's good to let it out. I'm going out to see a musical with a friend today, and might meet a guy I talked to last night afterwards. I know, it's ironic right? Knowing I have to stop and actually trying to stop it is different. I got so many arrangements with guys that I sideline my own working schedule.
I guess I just have to do all things together or drop one of it to really keep my life in balance. We all know which one to drop, but let's face it, who doesn't like the 'fun'.
Until then, stay focus :)
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Motherf**king S**t
Too pissed to actually write it.
Let the video talk.
Yeah so I'm just gonna say 2 things:
i) Broke my celibacy
ii) Learn how to do it right or don't do it at all
Quoting Lip from Shameless, "...like up the ass?...I mean the whole point of the digestive system is a one-way traffic."
I guess there's some truth in that lol.
Btw, Eric's recent video on The Undateables are totally relatable. Check that out as well.
p/s: It wasn't that bad honestly, but I still need to put my sheet in the washing machine.
Let the video talk.
Yeah so I'm just gonna say 2 things:
i) Broke my celibacy
ii) Learn how to do it right or don't do it at all
Quoting Lip from Shameless, "...like up the ass?...I mean the whole point of the digestive system is a one-way traffic."
I guess there's some truth in that lol.
Btw, Eric's recent video on The Undateables are totally relatable. Check that out as well.
p/s: It wasn't that bad honestly, but I still need to put my sheet in the washing machine.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Saturday, July 25, 2015
More Changes
My daily routine has been quite mundane at the moment. I am supposedly focusing on finishing my thesis but I was quite easily distracted with social media, drama series and occasional porn. It really is not what I'm hoping for my life routine, but it certainly shows the kind of person I am.
With that being said, it's about time I change it. By taking the first step to enjoy celibacy for a period of time, I think it's also the time some changes venture into other parts of my life. The other changes that I made apart from was my sleeping habit. I used to stay up all night and slept in the morning, waking up around or after noon to a groggy feeling that eventually lead to some more wasted times by being sluggish for the entire day. Now that I had forced myself not to sleep at all in the day, I finally manage to change it to the normal sleeping schedule. By 9pm I'm already a sleepy head and woke up nice and fresh around 6am.
Next is my academic work. Now this one prove to be the hardest one I have yet to face. I've always been lazy with my study. I wasn't like this when I was in school, but since I started uni, I just lost interest in studying altogether. I do feel some kind of regrets for not making the right decision from the start, but I don't like to do things halfway. After all, there are a lot of money involved, so I can't manage to screw things up. I have many writings to be done and have been taking 2 weeks off again which is an immature thing to do considering with the level of degree I am at. But for what it's worth, I have a lovely and kind supervisor, so that was okay. But I hate not being able to meet someone else's expectations. I just want to be the best student I can really, and I know I am not giving out my best effort for it. Now having said that, I will after this post, try my best to keep up some good work. Hopefully, there'll be some improvements.
Moving on to social life, I'm trying to limit myself to one social outings per week. So everything has to be planned. No more random hookup and no more spontaneous socials. The reason is not only for my sexual revolution but also for my academic life. To put more focus on the latter, I have to be more calculative for the former and other outings. So today me and my friend were supposed to go out to a festival in city centre, but he bailed out on me at the last minute, choosing to go to a lavender farm having picnic with my other friends instead. I was a bit pissed of course, since we promised to go out today, and he basically ditched me by choosing an alternative option that was presented to him just a few hours before we go out. He invited me along but I'm not up for a large outing with other people, I just wanna go out having some nice time in the city - though it would be very crowded - and come back home to continue doing some readings. Luckily I have another friend that agree to go out with me, so all is well.
But to be fair, I backed out on a guy yesterday too. We arranged to meet for you-know-what because I was, let just say, feeling a bit sexually repressed and need it out of my system. But then I remembered it's best for me to stop doing such random things with guys as much as I would like to. It's not only for my celibacy mission, but for my emotional needs too. I've been watching gay drama series and reading erotic stories that I realise I actually want sex to mean something more than just the physicality of it all. So I told the guy I won't be able to make it, and let just say karma works its wonder on me today. For what it's worth, I learnt not to make promises that you can't keep. So it's best to be honest from the start. And once you make a promise, try to commit to it unless you have a very good reason not to. If you're really not up for it at the last hour, it's still ok to discuss and be honest about it.
So those are a few things I'm trying to amend in my life. The academic part is my first priority now. I really need to get it done as soon as I can. I can't wait to finish it all. As for my socials, though I'm staying away from hookups, I'm still up for hanging out with new guys and what not. I'm meeting a French guy next week, we've been talking for a couple of months now. And then another one a few weeks from now, a British guy who is so my type but sadly already taken (as it's always happen to me T.T). Then I had set a meetup with another one, also a British guy of Caribbean origins, but we sort of lost in touch for a while now. I'm not sure if he's still up for a meetup, we facetimed a couple of times before. Perhaps the flames weren't the same like when we first chatted. Anyhow, these are casual, non-sexual and let's-get-to-know-each-other kind of meet ups. So all is well according to plan.
Right, I'm off to city centre now. Until then, stay true to yourself :)
With that being said, it's about time I change it. By taking the first step to enjoy celibacy for a period of time, I think it's also the time some changes venture into other parts of my life. The other changes that I made apart from was my sleeping habit. I used to stay up all night and slept in the morning, waking up around or after noon to a groggy feeling that eventually lead to some more wasted times by being sluggish for the entire day. Now that I had forced myself not to sleep at all in the day, I finally manage to change it to the normal sleeping schedule. By 9pm I'm already a sleepy head and woke up nice and fresh around 6am.
Next is my academic work. Now this one prove to be the hardest one I have yet to face. I've always been lazy with my study. I wasn't like this when I was in school, but since I started uni, I just lost interest in studying altogether. I do feel some kind of regrets for not making the right decision from the start, but I don't like to do things halfway. After all, there are a lot of money involved, so I can't manage to screw things up. I have many writings to be done and have been taking 2 weeks off again which is an immature thing to do considering with the level of degree I am at. But for what it's worth, I have a lovely and kind supervisor, so that was okay. But I hate not being able to meet someone else's expectations. I just want to be the best student I can really, and I know I am not giving out my best effort for it. Now having said that, I will after this post, try my best to keep up some good work. Hopefully, there'll be some improvements.
Moving on to social life, I'm trying to limit myself to one social outings per week. So everything has to be planned. No more random hookup and no more spontaneous socials. The reason is not only for my sexual revolution but also for my academic life. To put more focus on the latter, I have to be more calculative for the former and other outings. So today me and my friend were supposed to go out to a festival in city centre, but he bailed out on me at the last minute, choosing to go to a lavender farm having picnic with my other friends instead. I was a bit pissed of course, since we promised to go out today, and he basically ditched me by choosing an alternative option that was presented to him just a few hours before we go out. He invited me along but I'm not up for a large outing with other people, I just wanna go out having some nice time in the city - though it would be very crowded - and come back home to continue doing some readings. Luckily I have another friend that agree to go out with me, so all is well.
But to be fair, I backed out on a guy yesterday too. We arranged to meet for you-know-what because I was, let just say, feeling a bit sexually repressed and need it out of my system. But then I remembered it's best for me to stop doing such random things with guys as much as I would like to. It's not only for my celibacy mission, but for my emotional needs too. I've been watching gay drama series and reading erotic stories that I realise I actually want sex to mean something more than just the physicality of it all. So I told the guy I won't be able to make it, and let just say karma works its wonder on me today. For what it's worth, I learnt not to make promises that you can't keep. So it's best to be honest from the start. And once you make a promise, try to commit to it unless you have a very good reason not to. If you're really not up for it at the last hour, it's still ok to discuss and be honest about it.
So those are a few things I'm trying to amend in my life. The academic part is my first priority now. I really need to get it done as soon as I can. I can't wait to finish it all. As for my socials, though I'm staying away from hookups, I'm still up for hanging out with new guys and what not. I'm meeting a French guy next week, we've been talking for a couple of months now. And then another one a few weeks from now, a British guy who is so my type but sadly already taken (as it's always happen to me T.T). Then I had set a meetup with another one, also a British guy of Caribbean origins, but we sort of lost in touch for a while now. I'm not sure if he's still up for a meetup, we facetimed a couple of times before. Perhaps the flames weren't the same like when we first chatted. Anyhow, these are casual, non-sexual and let's-get-to-know-each-other kind of meet ups. So all is well according to plan.
Right, I'm off to city centre now. Until then, stay true to yourself :)
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Celebrating
So Eid is here, finally I can have my morning coffee again.
The celebration here was minimal, just the usual routine. I didn't take any pictures this year as I'm not feeling much excited to celebrate it. Not because of the homesick or anything, but I think it's just the same usual day just like any other. Before long, I had been going on with the same daily stuff as any other days.
I've received my blood test a couple of days ago, after spending almost 2 days trying to get it. I should have gotten it last week but I thought they might be still processing it. So I called them and asked, had to wait almost 15 minutes to speak to the right person after back and forth, ended up being told that she didn't know how to read my result and couldn't give it to me. Transferred to another person and was informed that their IT system went down, explaining the reason why they couldn't send it to me last week and had asked me to call again later. Then I called again the next day, nobody picking up. Finally tried the third day and gotten it. It's all negative. So all is well.
I've also been ignoring texts, calls and messages from my FWBs. I've gotten bored with having sex now, but am still feeling somewhat repressed. Thank goodness we know what comes in handy when that happens, a little click here and there, problem solved. At times I thought rather than fantasising it, I can have it for real. But I'm reevaluating my sex and love life, leading me to halt any form of intimacy if it can be appropriately called as such with any guys. To date, I have yet to have a solid plan, but when I do I'll talk about it later.
Until then, happy Eid to all :)
The celebration here was minimal, just the usual routine. I didn't take any pictures this year as I'm not feeling much excited to celebrate it. Not because of the homesick or anything, but I think it's just the same usual day just like any other. Before long, I had been going on with the same daily stuff as any other days.
I've received my blood test a couple of days ago, after spending almost 2 days trying to get it. I should have gotten it last week but I thought they might be still processing it. So I called them and asked, had to wait almost 15 minutes to speak to the right person after back and forth, ended up being told that she didn't know how to read my result and couldn't give it to me. Transferred to another person and was informed that their IT system went down, explaining the reason why they couldn't send it to me last week and had asked me to call again later. Then I called again the next day, nobody picking up. Finally tried the third day and gotten it. It's all negative. So all is well.
I've also been ignoring texts, calls and messages from my FWBs. I've gotten bored with having sex now, but am still feeling somewhat repressed. Thank goodness we know what comes in handy when that happens, a little click here and there, problem solved. At times I thought rather than fantasising it, I can have it for real. But I'm reevaluating my sex and love life, leading me to halt any form of intimacy if it can be appropriately called as such with any guys. To date, I have yet to have a solid plan, but when I do I'll talk about it later.
Until then, happy Eid to all :)
Monday, July 13, 2015
School Crush Gone Off
My weekend with Adam was lovely. As planned, we connected, had real good conversation and just having a good time.
We went out to a market on Saturday evening, since the day before I was stuck with a paper to finish. Since we were fasting, it only took about an hour for us to realise that it wasn't really the most optimum time of the year to hang outside in the day. But we went out quite late and had to wait about an hour more before breaking our fast. Adam was a bit cranky nearing the end of the fast, but once he had a sip of the juice he bought, all of his senses came back. And we spent the day eating out and just went home.
That night we went out again around midnight to a park nearby my place. We took a stroll near a river beyond the park too, and came home around 2 in the morning. It was quite a serene thing to do, walking under the stars at night with someone, having a deep conversation about your life and everything, if we're a couple, that would be so romantic. Now I know what I wanna do when I'm in a relationship. The park was actually quite dodgy as it's really bushy and it past midnight. I was afraid to go in there but Adam romantically said, "Don't worry, you have me." Please just be mine.
He opened up more about himself. Like the kind of things he did as a 'bad boy'. Trying out various kinds of drugs (he even offered me weed) and had a near death experience on one occasion, his partying life and alcohol, being scouted for modelling (just to show how attractive he is) and his obsession with girls' ass. Yeah, I didn't manage to admit I was gay. It seemed quite unfair to be honest as I didn't talk much about myself, I just acted innocent and asking things about himself, which he sexily played along.
However, like I said, I didn't expect much. I like him, really, but he's straight as it comes, so I wouldn't want to change that. Plus, he flew off last night so it's not gonna work anyhow.
Damn, I really want a boyfriend so bad. As he was laying next to me in bed, I was fantasising how nice it would be to have someone you love actually sleeping next to you and hold you in his arms. Waking up every morning to the person you love, knowing that you don't have to think about how lonely you have to go through the day. Shit, I'm becoming lovey dovey all of a sudden.
Well, to show I haven't really change, once I sent Adam off to the airport, I went to meet Jacob, a Romanian guy I have been talking to for a couple of weeks. He's in late 30s but if there is a category of twink with an older age, he could be easily fits into that category. I kept my promise not to have sex, so we just kept it simple. We chatted too, and I couldn't help but to feel sorry for him. I could see the sadness in his eyes, being alone at that age (no judgement given to those who are in the same age), having gone through a lot with life, work, relationship and family.
I wish I can find someone to be stable with now, but I don't want to do it out of fear, but out of love. I don't want a relationship because I'm desperate, but because I'm ready to commit, I'm ready to get intimate and above all I'm ready to give my heart to someone.
Anyhow, things will get back to normal now. Ramadhan is ending in a few days time, and I must say I'm not doing really well in it this time around. I can only hope for a better self, but I would be lying to say that I tried. Because I didn't. I kinda want my life to be like this. But deep down I know I want something better, something pure, something real.
For what it's worth, I had made a promise to myself for not having random sex anymore. So that's a start, right?
We went out to a market on Saturday evening, since the day before I was stuck with a paper to finish. Since we were fasting, it only took about an hour for us to realise that it wasn't really the most optimum time of the year to hang outside in the day. But we went out quite late and had to wait about an hour more before breaking our fast. Adam was a bit cranky nearing the end of the fast, but once he had a sip of the juice he bought, all of his senses came back. And we spent the day eating out and just went home.
That night we went out again around midnight to a park nearby my place. We took a stroll near a river beyond the park too, and came home around 2 in the morning. It was quite a serene thing to do, walking under the stars at night with someone, having a deep conversation about your life and everything, if we're a couple, that would be so romantic. Now I know what I wanna do when I'm in a relationship. The park was actually quite dodgy as it's really bushy and it past midnight. I was afraid to go in there but Adam romantically said, "Don't worry, you have me." Please just be mine.
He opened up more about himself. Like the kind of things he did as a 'bad boy'. Trying out various kinds of drugs (he even offered me weed) and had a near death experience on one occasion, his partying life and alcohol, being scouted for modelling (just to show how attractive he is) and his obsession with girls' ass. Yeah, I didn't manage to admit I was gay. It seemed quite unfair to be honest as I didn't talk much about myself, I just acted innocent and asking things about himself, which he sexily played along.
However, like I said, I didn't expect much. I like him, really, but he's straight as it comes, so I wouldn't want to change that. Plus, he flew off last night so it's not gonna work anyhow.
Damn, I really want a boyfriend so bad. As he was laying next to me in bed, I was fantasising how nice it would be to have someone you love actually sleeping next to you and hold you in his arms. Waking up every morning to the person you love, knowing that you don't have to think about how lonely you have to go through the day. Shit, I'm becoming lovey dovey all of a sudden.
Well, to show I haven't really change, once I sent Adam off to the airport, I went to meet Jacob, a Romanian guy I have been talking to for a couple of weeks. He's in late 30s but if there is a category of twink with an older age, he could be easily fits into that category. I kept my promise not to have sex, so we just kept it simple. We chatted too, and I couldn't help but to feel sorry for him. I could see the sadness in his eyes, being alone at that age (no judgement given to those who are in the same age), having gone through a lot with life, work, relationship and family.
I wish I can find someone to be stable with now, but I don't want to do it out of fear, but out of love. I don't want a relationship because I'm desperate, but because I'm ready to commit, I'm ready to get intimate and above all I'm ready to give my heart to someone.
Anyhow, things will get back to normal now. Ramadhan is ending in a few days time, and I must say I'm not doing really well in it this time around. I can only hope for a better self, but I would be lying to say that I tried. Because I didn't. I kinda want my life to be like this. But deep down I know I want something better, something pure, something real.
For what it's worth, I had made a promise to myself for not having random sex anymore. So that's a start, right?
Thursday, July 9, 2015
School Crush
I'm feeling quite excited at the moment because my school crush, Adam, is coming over to stay with me for a couple of days tomorrow.
He's here to do some short training course and is going back home on Sunday, so he thought of coming over and spend his last days here with me.
I was overjoy of course, he came to my place last month for a short stay as he was visiting the town, and that was the first time we actually had a proper conversation and get to know one another.
We were in the same school for two years and were basically in different groups. I was the preppy, nerdy and studious kind while he was the bad boy, troubled kid and I-don't-give-a-damn kind of person.
When we met last month I could see he's still kinda the same person as I used to know him, but to be fair we never really had any interactions at school...except for one occasion.
It was the first day of school, in the school hall and it was the first assembly. Being a preppy person, I would usually be at the front listening attentively to every speeches and every announcements made. But I was late that day and had to settle at the far back of the crowd. I hated it, it's the area where the school bullies usually like to reign, throwing foul comments to everything being said on stage.
So I sat at the far end, making myself invisible. I was quite a diva at my previous school, and I vowed to tone it down and focused with my study at this one. So I really try not to stand out.
On that fateful day, Adam was sitting next to me. I saw him earlier that day and instantly felt attracted to him. I mean he's super good looking, fit body, and had his bad boy appearance clear from the get go - his expression, gestures and everything were clear that he don't give a fuck about anything.
I didn't realise he was next to me as I was trying to focus on the principal's welcoming speech. I used to take out my note book and jot down every single thing said in assembly, that's how nerdy I am. But I'm in the red zone so I have to make sure I don't do anything that will lead to a social suicide.
And suddenly, out of nowhere, a hand was on my thigh. Electric shock ran through me, I could feel the hairs stood up on the back of my neck. My heart was racing as I traced the hand on my thigh to its owner. It was Adam and he was oblivious to my white pale expression. As my eyes searched for an answer, he took his other hand and held mine. Then he caressed it before bringing it to his lips and kissed it.
I was blown away, literally, in my mind, "What are you doing? Is this a sexual harassment?" I mean his hand was really near to my crotch and I instantly remember that we were in an assembly full of people. I quickly looked around to see if there's someone who noticed what was happening. I never know as I was in shock.
He continued until the end of the assembly, he was rubbing his hand on me, gently touching here and there. I was speechless literally, I didn't say anything, not one word came out of my mouth. I'm not sure whether it's because I was shocked to be 'molested' on my first day of school, or that I was overjoyed as I had a crush on him and he 'noticed' me. Either way that was the only time we had any kind of interactions ever for two years. And let me tell you it was a horrible way to start a school where I longed for another interaction with him which was non-existent.
I told my friend about it that night and they couldn't believe me. I mean, I couldn't fathom what was happening myself. He didn't say a word too, he was just doing things with his hands, and his expression was completely unaware of mine.
After that, I basically kept things to myself and commit to my vow. While I was engrossed in school work, he was always in some kind of trouble with the school principal and teachers. Everyone hated him. I saw him being shouted at one day by the school coach for being 'too sexy' - he was wearing a tank top while everyone was wearing normal T. Obviously I prefer the former for my sore eyes but typical Asian school where you can't be different and daring.
Anyhow, I could go on and on about how I caught a glimpse of him quietly during our school days. So it's only natural I was happy when he asked for a place to stay last month. I guess he got my number and information from my other schoolmates.
When he came last month we chatted and he's actually a very nice person. He asked me to hang around with him while he smoked outside, so we had a nice talk. I usually don't allow my guests to smoke as my housemates and I hate it, but obviously your crush is an exception.
He recalled the days at school where he was in trouble and how he was disgusted by the teachers who hated him without reasons. Some of the teachers he didn't know blatantly said "I hope my kid won't be like you when he grow up" to his face. Clearly his teachers talked and spread things about him. And like he was asked to leave the school during the exam period was quite shocking too, just because he was caught smoking. I think he just wanna be himself, and I like that kind of attitude. It really is a turn on.
He wanted me to go out with him too but I was really busy at the time. He asked me out again this time and I said yes, despite that fact that I have a paper to submit tomorrow. But I can work with that, hopefully it won't get in my way to spend time with him.
Through all, as in after school, I think we have become a bit matured. That usually happened. After school, you just a bit more open and talk to anyone. So even if we're not close at school, at least we have something in common and that's good enough to ask for help and hang out. I mean I know he knows me, I was invisible socially but I was known for my academic achievements. I was usually on the honour list and being on stage on several occasions for some awards. And people know him too as the troublesome boy. So all is well.
We'll see how it goes when he arrives. I plan to ask him about his love life, I know he was in a relationship before. I might as well tell him I'm gay since he had opened up to me about his school experiences. Needles to say he is straight. Though who knows what might happen if I admit I'm gay. I don't plan on hitting on him, but rather would love to make friends with him. The chance is slim of course, he's going back and I'm staying here. God knows if we ever cross each other again afterwards but at least I know I make a connection with him.
Wish me luck :)
He's here to do some short training course and is going back home on Sunday, so he thought of coming over and spend his last days here with me.
I was overjoy of course, he came to my place last month for a short stay as he was visiting the town, and that was the first time we actually had a proper conversation and get to know one another.
We were in the same school for two years and were basically in different groups. I was the preppy, nerdy and studious kind while he was the bad boy, troubled kid and I-don't-give-a-damn kind of person.
When we met last month I could see he's still kinda the same person as I used to know him, but to be fair we never really had any interactions at school...except for one occasion.
It was the first day of school, in the school hall and it was the first assembly. Being a preppy person, I would usually be at the front listening attentively to every speeches and every announcements made. But I was late that day and had to settle at the far back of the crowd. I hated it, it's the area where the school bullies usually like to reign, throwing foul comments to everything being said on stage.
So I sat at the far end, making myself invisible. I was quite a diva at my previous school, and I vowed to tone it down and focused with my study at this one. So I really try not to stand out.
On that fateful day, Adam was sitting next to me. I saw him earlier that day and instantly felt attracted to him. I mean he's super good looking, fit body, and had his bad boy appearance clear from the get go - his expression, gestures and everything were clear that he don't give a fuck about anything.
I didn't realise he was next to me as I was trying to focus on the principal's welcoming speech. I used to take out my note book and jot down every single thing said in assembly, that's how nerdy I am. But I'm in the red zone so I have to make sure I don't do anything that will lead to a social suicide.
And suddenly, out of nowhere, a hand was on my thigh. Electric shock ran through me, I could feel the hairs stood up on the back of my neck. My heart was racing as I traced the hand on my thigh to its owner. It was Adam and he was oblivious to my white pale expression. As my eyes searched for an answer, he took his other hand and held mine. Then he caressed it before bringing it to his lips and kissed it.
I was blown away, literally, in my mind, "What are you doing? Is this a sexual harassment?" I mean his hand was really near to my crotch and I instantly remember that we were in an assembly full of people. I quickly looked around to see if there's someone who noticed what was happening. I never know as I was in shock.
He continued until the end of the assembly, he was rubbing his hand on me, gently touching here and there. I was speechless literally, I didn't say anything, not one word came out of my mouth. I'm not sure whether it's because I was shocked to be 'molested' on my first day of school, or that I was overjoyed as I had a crush on him and he 'noticed' me. Either way that was the only time we had any kind of interactions ever for two years. And let me tell you it was a horrible way to start a school where I longed for another interaction with him which was non-existent.
I told my friend about it that night and they couldn't believe me. I mean, I couldn't fathom what was happening myself. He didn't say a word too, he was just doing things with his hands, and his expression was completely unaware of mine.
After that, I basically kept things to myself and commit to my vow. While I was engrossed in school work, he was always in some kind of trouble with the school principal and teachers. Everyone hated him. I saw him being shouted at one day by the school coach for being 'too sexy' - he was wearing a tank top while everyone was wearing normal T. Obviously I prefer the former for my sore eyes but typical Asian school where you can't be different and daring.
Anyhow, I could go on and on about how I caught a glimpse of him quietly during our school days. So it's only natural I was happy when he asked for a place to stay last month. I guess he got my number and information from my other schoolmates.
When he came last month we chatted and he's actually a very nice person. He asked me to hang around with him while he smoked outside, so we had a nice talk. I usually don't allow my guests to smoke as my housemates and I hate it, but obviously your crush is an exception.
He recalled the days at school where he was in trouble and how he was disgusted by the teachers who hated him without reasons. Some of the teachers he didn't know blatantly said "I hope my kid won't be like you when he grow up" to his face. Clearly his teachers talked and spread things about him. And like he was asked to leave the school during the exam period was quite shocking too, just because he was caught smoking. I think he just wanna be himself, and I like that kind of attitude. It really is a turn on.
He wanted me to go out with him too but I was really busy at the time. He asked me out again this time and I said yes, despite that fact that I have a paper to submit tomorrow. But I can work with that, hopefully it won't get in my way to spend time with him.
Through all, as in after school, I think we have become a bit matured. That usually happened. After school, you just a bit more open and talk to anyone. So even if we're not close at school, at least we have something in common and that's good enough to ask for help and hang out. I mean I know he knows me, I was invisible socially but I was known for my academic achievements. I was usually on the honour list and being on stage on several occasions for some awards. And people know him too as the troublesome boy. So all is well.
We'll see how it goes when he arrives. I plan to ask him about his love life, I know he was in a relationship before. I might as well tell him I'm gay since he had opened up to me about his school experiences. Needles to say he is straight. Though who knows what might happen if I admit I'm gay. I don't plan on hitting on him, but rather would love to make friends with him. The chance is slim of course, he's going back and I'm staying here. God knows if we ever cross each other again afterwards but at least I know I make a connection with him.
Wish me luck :)
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Mission Celibacy Starts
My attempts to slow down my usual habit of getting on with guys don't seem to go really well at the moment.
Like when I told Aaron (the Arab guy from the previous post) that I won't be up for fun, he kept trying to persuade me to come over to him. I begin to feel a bit annoyed with his constant messages. I would then usually ignored them for a couple of hours before replying that I was so busy with work to check my phone. At 4 am just now he texted and we chatted, he asked me to come over again. It's fucking 4, this guy is unbelievable.
Raj on the other hand (the South Asian one) pretty much understood my decision. But his mastery of the English language is such a turn off that I don't find his muscular physique can compensate that anymore. As with Aaron, he texted me to ask for a next time. I haven't yet made up my decision but I'm leaning towards there'll be no such thing as next time.
Then some more straight guys try to hit on me, which really makes me think about why I can't attract my own kind - the gays. I mean yuhoo, I'm here, I'm available (for dates of course). As I mentioned, straight guys are complicated but it seemed like there are so many of them out there looking for guys to 'try' something.
Nonetheless, I still chatted with them out of courtesy for their texts, and made it clear that I'm not up for sex, but would be okay to hang out or chat. As usual, their skills of persuasion can make the girl in me to have an orgasm, but I think I'll stick to what I've decided for now. No sex for 6-8 weeks.
Amen to that.
Like when I told Aaron (the Arab guy from the previous post) that I won't be up for fun, he kept trying to persuade me to come over to him. I begin to feel a bit annoyed with his constant messages. I would then usually ignored them for a couple of hours before replying that I was so busy with work to check my phone. At 4 am just now he texted and we chatted, he asked me to come over again. It's fucking 4, this guy is unbelievable.
Raj on the other hand (the South Asian one) pretty much understood my decision. But his mastery of the English language is such a turn off that I don't find his muscular physique can compensate that anymore. As with Aaron, he texted me to ask for a next time. I haven't yet made up my decision but I'm leaning towards there'll be no such thing as next time.
Then some more straight guys try to hit on me, which really makes me think about why I can't attract my own kind - the gays. I mean yuhoo, I'm here, I'm available (for dates of course). As I mentioned, straight guys are complicated but it seemed like there are so many of them out there looking for guys to 'try' something.
Nonetheless, I still chatted with them out of courtesy for their texts, and made it clear that I'm not up for sex, but would be okay to hang out or chat. As usual, their skills of persuasion can make the girl in me to have an orgasm, but I think I'll stick to what I've decided for now. No sex for 6-8 weeks.
Amen to that.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Family Matters
It's true what they say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Certainly the absence by distance couldn't be more fitting to this for any relationship be it family or couples.
I miss my family a lot, and it's also primarily the reason why I chose to go back to Malaysia once I finish my study here. I can choose to stay or travel abroad, but I thought, "going back home for a year or two wouldn't hurt." I missed a lot of things, my younger sisters growing up to be a woman, my older sisters getting their jobs, buying cars etc, my parents venturing into their near retirement period, my newborn cousins that me and my sisters finally have after been the only grandchildren to my grandparents for almost 20 years, and so many other things. It's hard to see everyone's having fun with one another while I'm here messing around my life with study and other thingslike having sex with strangers.
Technology is indeed a life saver these days. I can't imagine how it was back in the days where all they had was the traditional written letters and incredibly expensive international calls.
With that being said though, since I'm usually busy with a lot of things, my mother would usually be the one who ring me. She won't call regularly but when she did we talked for more than an hour. My dad on the other hand is the typical father type who don't speak a lot but would occasionally drop a call to say hi and asked me to always keep God dearly in my life. Amen.
So my mom called a couple of days ago, it was midnight back at home, so there must be something going on. She would usually dozed off around 10pm, so I know there was something bothering her. Perhaps because of the fact that I am her only son, she really pamper me. The thing is I'm not pampered at all, and I feel bad sometimes because it's like I'm not being grateful enough to the attention I get. My eldest sister get so jealous about this, but I sincerely believe my parents don't play favourites, every parent loves their children equally.
Anyhow, she was stressed that night, and needed someone to talk to. As with many other occasions, that would usually be me, especially if it's related to family matters. She was stressed because she felt jealous with her friends and cousins who are breaking the news of their sons and daughters getting married. You see, she desperately want an in-law, and since my eldest sister is 26 yeas old now and single, she's worried that my sister would be too old to get married later.
This might be the typical Asian, or Malay specifically about unwed girls who are working and is getting old. Since I'm a bit westernised as one can say, I don't really see the problem. I always mentioned that if my sister finds someone she loves then she will get married eventually, until then just let her live her life and don't be worry. But my mom doesn't buy into that primarily because my sister have so many suitors and so many guys asking for her hand. I admit that she is beautiful, with clear white skin, and is currently working as a house officer (junior doctor) in a hospital. It's only natural people would fall for her. Some people have been waiting for more than two years for her.
We're not sure what her problem is, but she never liked the men who came to ask her in marriage. And let me tell you, some of these men are handsome, very manly, professional, highly successful and one of them is a senior engineer with loads of money...OMG, what's wrong with her right. I mean, I want men to follow me like that and wait for like 5 years for me too! I don't understand girls, but this girl is my sister and as my mother put it, "you're the only male left after your father and you will soon have to bear the responsibility of keeping this family together once your father passed away." Pretty big thing to say to your only son truth to be told but it is what it is, I have to be a man of the family too.
So we talked about my sister that night and how my mother was feeling worried and sad for her. At the same time she ran out of idea what to say to the people and parents who kept asking for my sister for their sons. I share her feeling, I mean it's not just men who are waiting, it's men and their bloody families too. I can only shook my head and sighed.
Now the interesting part is, my mother since feeling so worried to find a man for my sister settled her eyes on my friend. My mother met my friend when she came over to visit me two years ago. And this friend of mine is my junior and I have treated him like my younger brother for as long as I can remember. It was my mother's plan to fix them together and inevitably because I'm his friend and I'm also the 'man' of the family, I will have to follow suit into this matchmaking game. It's weird yes, but I've talked to my junior about it - which is super awkward when you say to your junior, "hey do you wanna get married with my older sister?" Imagine that!
There are some issues of course. Age difference being one, but luckily both are fine with it. My junior obviously still studying and at the same place as I am - so marriage while studying and long distance relationship must be considered. Then to put things more worryingly, they never met one another, apart from being friends on Facebook and occasional messages (after being asked by me and my mother that is).
However worryingly it is, it seems like my sister is opening up the opportunity for my junior to be her partner but not for the one that's already waiting for her. It's a gamble really. We are trying to fix a date where they can meet, and settle on some time during the upcoming Eid celebration. What with my sister being a doctor, it's hard for her too to spend time off. Which is why my mother is so worried she would never find the time for a man once she's progressing up in her medical career.
I really hope it will go well. As much awkward as it is to discuss this thing with my junior, he is a very nice person. We were from the same school, I took care of him when he arrived here in the foreign land, I made sure his welfare was taken care of, I was the person he would confide to when he has problems. So I know him well. Note that though I'm gay, I have absolutely zero emotional or sexual attachment in terms of homosexual relationship with friends. I really treat him like my younger brother so I know he would be a good husband to my sister. What better way to help your family than to really provide them the best person you know. After all, we have been friends for many many years so it would be easy to adjust with new face in the family since we know each other so very well already.
As for my sister, it's at least a relieved for me and my mother when she is considering my friend. We noticed that she might want this to work out, but we have to make sure that the feeling is reciprocated. Until then, what we have to do is wait for the time when they'll meet and see if they are really suitable for one another or not.
Arranged marriage is not something of my liking, but ironically I am essentially arranging one for my sister. Oh the irony of life :)
I miss my family a lot, and it's also primarily the reason why I chose to go back to Malaysia once I finish my study here. I can choose to stay or travel abroad, but I thought, "going back home for a year or two wouldn't hurt." I missed a lot of things, my younger sisters growing up to be a woman, my older sisters getting their jobs, buying cars etc, my parents venturing into their near retirement period, my newborn cousins that me and my sisters finally have after been the only grandchildren to my grandparents for almost 20 years, and so many other things. It's hard to see everyone's having fun with one another while I'm here messing around my life with study and other things
Technology is indeed a life saver these days. I can't imagine how it was back in the days where all they had was the traditional written letters and incredibly expensive international calls.
With that being said though, since I'm usually busy with a lot of things, my mother would usually be the one who ring me. She won't call regularly but when she did we talked for more than an hour. My dad on the other hand is the typical father type who don't speak a lot but would occasionally drop a call to say hi and asked me to always keep God dearly in my life. Amen.
So my mom called a couple of days ago, it was midnight back at home, so there must be something going on. She would usually dozed off around 10pm, so I know there was something bothering her. Perhaps because of the fact that I am her only son, she really pamper me. The thing is I'm not pampered at all, and I feel bad sometimes because it's like I'm not being grateful enough to the attention I get. My eldest sister get so jealous about this, but I sincerely believe my parents don't play favourites, every parent loves their children equally.
Anyhow, she was stressed that night, and needed someone to talk to. As with many other occasions, that would usually be me, especially if it's related to family matters. She was stressed because she felt jealous with her friends and cousins who are breaking the news of their sons and daughters getting married. You see, she desperately want an in-law, and since my eldest sister is 26 yeas old now and single, she's worried that my sister would be too old to get married later.
This might be the typical Asian, or Malay specifically about unwed girls who are working and is getting old. Since I'm a bit westernised as one can say, I don't really see the problem. I always mentioned that if my sister finds someone she loves then she will get married eventually, until then just let her live her life and don't be worry. But my mom doesn't buy into that primarily because my sister have so many suitors and so many guys asking for her hand. I admit that she is beautiful, with clear white skin, and is currently working as a house officer (junior doctor) in a hospital. It's only natural people would fall for her. Some people have been waiting for more than two years for her.
We're not sure what her problem is, but she never liked the men who came to ask her in marriage. And let me tell you, some of these men are handsome, very manly, professional, highly successful and one of them is a senior engineer with loads of money...OMG, what's wrong with her right. I mean, I want men to follow me like that and wait for like 5 years for me too! I don't understand girls, but this girl is my sister and as my mother put it, "you're the only male left after your father and you will soon have to bear the responsibility of keeping this family together once your father passed away." Pretty big thing to say to your only son truth to be told but it is what it is, I have to be a man of the family too.
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So we talked about my sister that night and how my mother was feeling worried and sad for her. At the same time she ran out of idea what to say to the people and parents who kept asking for my sister for their sons. I share her feeling, I mean it's not just men who are waiting, it's men and their bloody families too. I can only shook my head and sighed.
Now the interesting part is, my mother since feeling so worried to find a man for my sister settled her eyes on my friend. My mother met my friend when she came over to visit me two years ago. And this friend of mine is my junior and I have treated him like my younger brother for as long as I can remember. It was my mother's plan to fix them together and inevitably because I'm his friend and I'm also the 'man' of the family, I will have to follow suit into this matchmaking game. It's weird yes, but I've talked to my junior about it - which is super awkward when you say to your junior, "hey do you wanna get married with my older sister?" Imagine that!
There are some issues of course. Age difference being one, but luckily both are fine with it. My junior obviously still studying and at the same place as I am - so marriage while studying and long distance relationship must be considered. Then to put things more worryingly, they never met one another, apart from being friends on Facebook and occasional messages (after being asked by me and my mother that is).
However worryingly it is, it seems like my sister is opening up the opportunity for my junior to be her partner but not for the one that's already waiting for her. It's a gamble really. We are trying to fix a date where they can meet, and settle on some time during the upcoming Eid celebration. What with my sister being a doctor, it's hard for her too to spend time off. Which is why my mother is so worried she would never find the time for a man once she's progressing up in her medical career.
I really hope it will go well. As much awkward as it is to discuss this thing with my junior, he is a very nice person. We were from the same school, I took care of him when he arrived here in the foreign land, I made sure his welfare was taken care of, I was the person he would confide to when he has problems. So I know him well. Note that though I'm gay, I have absolutely zero emotional or sexual attachment in terms of homosexual relationship with friends. I really treat him like my younger brother so I know he would be a good husband to my sister. What better way to help your family than to really provide them the best person you know. After all, we have been friends for many many years so it would be easy to adjust with new face in the family since we know each other so very well already.
As for my sister, it's at least a relieved for me and my mother when she is considering my friend. We noticed that she might want this to work out, but we have to make sure that the feeling is reciprocated. Until then, what we have to do is wait for the time when they'll meet and see if they are really suitable for one another or not.
Arranged marriage is not something of my liking, but ironically I am essentially arranging one for my sister. Oh the irony of life :)
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Reality Check
With all the fun that I had, it's time to begin some reality checks about my life.
First of all, I am currently on PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis). It's basically medications that are given to individuals that might be on the risk of getting HIV. I was put on PEP two days ago when I went to get a regular HIV test.
I told them I had sex two days earlier before and the condom was broken. I knew with this information they would put me on high-risk group and classify it as unprotected sex, and they would want me to be on PEP as it was within the 72 hours period of post-exposure. To deem effective, the medication must start before the 72 hours period ended before the virus can replicate in the body.
It's used as a way to counter the risk of HIV after exposure. It's not 100% effective but reportedly it's an early measure to use for prevention. I had taken PEP before, so this is not my first time. The medications include 2 or 3 antiretroviral medications, and the one I got is Truvada and Raltegravir, similar with the one I had before. The medication period is 28 days so almost a month of eating pills. These drugs normally caused many side effects, but fortunately my body seem to take them well. Some people though in need of these drugs were not given the pills due to the side effects, and these pills are only given via prescription and doctor's approval. For more information you can visit this link, and there are many discussions and forums about this on the web. Again it's not 100% effective and the best way to prevent any risk of HIV transmission is always protected sex.
I know that it seems I haven't learnt from my past experience. But things like this happened. The first time I had to take PEP was because the condom fall off, so again it was categorised as unprotected sex. The doctor would determined this, so it's important to always disclose any information about your sex life for a better assessment. Now the person I had sex with this time did tell me that he got tested the week before we had sex, and that he was negative. But since it wasn't a regular thing and more of a hookup, the doctor highly recommend me to take PEP. Of course, the final decision laid on me and after deliberating on it I just decided to take it - since I didn't develop any side effects the first time before, so it's best to just have it for precautionary purposes.
My rapid HIV test that day was negative, so that was fine. From that I know I'm clear up until April. I still need to wait for the regular blood test result next week to see that I'm clear up until June. In another 6 to 8 weeks I have to get tested again to see if I'm really clear of any transmission.
It's best in that period I celibate myself, and that's what I'm leaning towards too. I'm currently trying to sort out this arrangement with a few people that I had promised to meet. Not just for me but for them too to be careful really.
The thing is, as much fun as I have, I do worry. I mean I'm just another person that love to do a lot more with my life that just having sex with strangers. But because of being so used to doing it, it does take a bit of time to back off. In a couple of months I'm going back to Malaysia, and I'm planning to build a better life. I'm going to work and have a proper lifestyle, with the intention of being true to myself ie semi-openly gay and will only have sex with a person that I have a connection with.
So yeah, I'm telling this show people that having sex with hot guys can be the dream of your life, at the same time it can also be the nightmare that you might wish you never fall into.
At the end, we all make choices, and I did make the choice to go around and have sex with people. Do I regret it? Yes and no. Do I feel sinful? Yes, everytime. But do I wish I can turn back time? Probably not. The thing about life is we have to move on and reflect on that. Do not immerse ourself in self-pity and regret but rather to see that we can change things and do something better.
I only talked about 4 guys here that I met but I can't even count how many sexual partners I had. When the doctor asked me this question I was taking more than a minute to count and just lost it. I always know I need to stop but perhaps being constantly bombarded with images of guys on the media have its challenges. In the end, temptations are everywhere, and that's really what Ramadhan in itself trying to reach us - to have self-control over our desires. I can certainly say that I fail on this part, but I'm not going to give up trying.
So yeah, at the moment I'm just fine as usual. I just feel like talking about this to let people know what sort of risks and consequences you might get into when having sex with strangers. I am fully aware of this when I make the decision so when I have to go through it, I take it as something I have to endure. Therefore if you are not strong emotionally and constantly worry about many things, it's best to not try things.
It's true, somethings are just best left alone. Once you try it, you might never get out of it.
So until then, be safe :)
First of all, I am currently on PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis). It's basically medications that are given to individuals that might be on the risk of getting HIV. I was put on PEP two days ago when I went to get a regular HIV test.
I told them I had sex two days earlier before and the condom was broken. I knew with this information they would put me on high-risk group and classify it as unprotected sex, and they would want me to be on PEP as it was within the 72 hours period of post-exposure. To deem effective, the medication must start before the 72 hours period ended before the virus can replicate in the body.
It's used as a way to counter the risk of HIV after exposure. It's not 100% effective but reportedly it's an early measure to use for prevention. I had taken PEP before, so this is not my first time. The medications include 2 or 3 antiretroviral medications, and the one I got is Truvada and Raltegravir, similar with the one I had before. The medication period is 28 days so almost a month of eating pills. These drugs normally caused many side effects, but fortunately my body seem to take them well. Some people though in need of these drugs were not given the pills due to the side effects, and these pills are only given via prescription and doctor's approval. For more information you can visit this link, and there are many discussions and forums about this on the web. Again it's not 100% effective and the best way to prevent any risk of HIV transmission is always protected sex.
I know that it seems I haven't learnt from my past experience. But things like this happened. The first time I had to take PEP was because the condom fall off, so again it was categorised as unprotected sex. The doctor would determined this, so it's important to always disclose any information about your sex life for a better assessment. Now the person I had sex with this time did tell me that he got tested the week before we had sex, and that he was negative. But since it wasn't a regular thing and more of a hookup, the doctor highly recommend me to take PEP. Of course, the final decision laid on me and after deliberating on it I just decided to take it - since I didn't develop any side effects the first time before, so it's best to just have it for precautionary purposes.
My rapid HIV test that day was negative, so that was fine. From that I know I'm clear up until April. I still need to wait for the regular blood test result next week to see that I'm clear up until June. In another 6 to 8 weeks I have to get tested again to see if I'm really clear of any transmission.
It's best in that period I celibate myself, and that's what I'm leaning towards too. I'm currently trying to sort out this arrangement with a few people that I had promised to meet. Not just for me but for them too to be careful really.
The thing is, as much fun as I have, I do worry. I mean I'm just another person that love to do a lot more with my life that just having sex with strangers. But because of being so used to doing it, it does take a bit of time to back off. In a couple of months I'm going back to Malaysia, and I'm planning to build a better life. I'm going to work and have a proper lifestyle, with the intention of being true to myself ie semi-openly gay and will only have sex with a person that I have a connection with.
So yeah, I'm telling this show people that having sex with hot guys can be the dream of your life, at the same time it can also be the nightmare that you might wish you never fall into.
At the end, we all make choices, and I did make the choice to go around and have sex with people. Do I regret it? Yes and no. Do I feel sinful? Yes, everytime. But do I wish I can turn back time? Probably not. The thing about life is we have to move on and reflect on that. Do not immerse ourself in self-pity and regret but rather to see that we can change things and do something better.
I only talked about 4 guys here that I met but I can't even count how many sexual partners I had. When the doctor asked me this question I was taking more than a minute to count and just lost it. I always know I need to stop but perhaps being constantly bombarded with images of guys on the media have its challenges. In the end, temptations are everywhere, and that's really what Ramadhan in itself trying to reach us - to have self-control over our desires. I can certainly say that I fail on this part, but I'm not going to give up trying.
So yeah, at the moment I'm just fine as usual. I just feel like talking about this to let people know what sort of risks and consequences you might get into when having sex with strangers. I am fully aware of this when I make the decision so when I have to go through it, I take it as something I have to endure. Therefore if you are not strong emotionally and constantly worry about many things, it's best to not try things.
It's true, somethings are just best left alone. Once you try it, you might never get out of it.
So until then, be safe :)
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Straight Guys Goes Gay?
Is there anything more ironic than claiming oneself to be straight yet messing around with other dudes?
Perhaps that's what the 'straight acting' term refers to when guys use it in their profiles.
But I mean really? If you're 'straight' then surely you wouldn't doing something remotely intimate with other guys right? If the term for straight can be used to encompass 'being able to have sex with guys without being labelled oneself as straight', then it seems being labelled as 'gay' is something seemingly derogatory. I mean if you're straight, and you also like gay fun, then you would be bisexual. There is a term for that kind of people you know.
But I guess people can define themselves in whatever way they wish. If they want to identify as straight, then by all mean do so.
Though I personally believe that rather than using the term 'straight acting', 'masculine' would be a better fit for such personality. 'Straight acting' is just a tad homophobic in my opinion. I mean the term itself is quite assumptious. It sorts of assume all 'straight' guy to act in certain way and 'gay' in certain way, therefore the use of 'straight' as an adjective to a kind of behaviour is quite stereotypical.
It's like:
Straight = Masculine
Gay = Feminine
Someone who like guys but masculine, thus 'straight acting'. But what about someone who is straight but feminine, then would they be called 'gay acting'? Absurd isn't it? My point exactly.
Right so that wasn't really my intention for this post though it's a good thing to think about really.
Yet again this post is about my encounter with guys, and this time with guys who claim themselves as 'straight'.
Though truth to be told, they are straight, like straight straight than just masculine, despite what I said above.
This was last couple of days, one was an Arab guy, the other was a South Asian guy. I would certainly say these group of people really have high testosterone level. This is a bit stereotypical to say but I think they are indeed. Though you can't really say it fits to all people in those groups of course, the same as not all Asians are 'smooth and slim' (another stereotypical thing in the gay community I would say).
So yes it's funny in a way for me to see these guys as they are really straight, but was having fun with me. The Arab guy I think it was a fetish for him, while the South Asian one was 'curious' so it's usual to try things out.
I would probably see them again, so I won't talk much about them now, maybe in some other posts in details. Just wanna note that straight guys also roam around in the homosexual community in certain ways, and this can make things a bit more complicated. This is quite different from the complication with the previous ones I talk about namely partnered-guys as that was more of a problem in the single gay community.
The complicated part is because the straight guys are not interested in relationship at all. For them it is just about having fun, messing around with guys when their girls can't do the job as good as gays can. It somehow objectify gays as sex toys...but quite frankly if the gays enjoy it too then it's hard to stop them from jumping into the scene again. No complaint there really. I mean which gays don't have the fantasy of being with a straight guy right?
Another thing about them is that they are also particular in the kind of things they wanna do. Some can be so adamant of keeping it 'straight' that they basically 'turn' you into girls when you're having fun with them, and most won't reciprocate and even some areas of their body are off-limit. Yes I had experience in all of these things.
But the guys I saw in the past days were quite different. The Arab guy especially, he was so masculine and manly, and at the same time was quite open to many things, which I appreciate a lot from a straight guy. As for the South Asian guy, he's quite different in that it was his first time with a guy, and it seemed he quite enjoyed it, maybe it's time to question his sexuality lol. And he was the bodybuilder type and that's another topic in which they are known to be lazy as f**k when it comes to have some fun - they just lie there and expect you to do all the work (will blog about this in later date).
And I just want to note that I don't normally go around looking for straight guys specifically. I usually prefer someone who's gay - either discreet or open - to mess around but the ones that I had been with, the straight guys I mean, usually they were the ones that made the first move. Since I'm quite lustful, I rarely deny any opportunity that come in my way.
So yeah, I'm not complaining to be honest, they are straight, it's who they are. And I'm gay, a sexual one at that too.
You know, to be quite honest, I do feel a bit tired of just having fun. I wanna have something more stable, a proper thing. I know my actions certainly doesn't reflect that well.
In relation to that though, I began to reevaluate my sex life in a way. My lewdness does affect me in many many ways - my emotion, spirituality and even my work. I honestly considering to slow it down, but...it's hard to promise. We'll see how my attempt goes. I still have at least 3 dates with other guys to commit as I promised to meet them already and so it's difficult to say now. But I'll try nonetheless. What really makes it harder is that it's Ramadhan you know, and I do have some guilt feeling over it. I just can't stop it.
Anyhow, I just wanna write that down. Again I'm sorry if my posts are repetitious in nature in term of content wise - me meeting guys etc, but again that's my gay journey. I'm not endorsing it nor do I recommend it, but I do wanna jot it down as a reflection of my life. I do think it's best to not be so promiscuous, there are many dangers with it - HIV and addictions to name a couple.
So I hope you'll walk this journey with me so that I know there'll be people who I can talk about this, and confide into when things go right or wrong. I'm not searching for approval nor disapproval, but just something to share with. Whether it's right or wrong, to all is their opinions.
Until then, stay safe okay :)
p/s: Oh btw, I've made an ask.fm account, so now you can ask me any questions here: Ask MrGaysian
Perhaps that's what the 'straight acting' term refers to when guys use it in their profiles.
But I mean really? If you're 'straight' then surely you wouldn't doing something remotely intimate with other guys right? If the term for straight can be used to encompass 'being able to have sex with guys without being labelled oneself as straight', then it seems being labelled as 'gay' is something seemingly derogatory. I mean if you're straight, and you also like gay fun, then you would be bisexual. There is a term for that kind of people you know.
But I guess people can define themselves in whatever way they wish. If they want to identify as straight, then by all mean do so.
Though I personally believe that rather than using the term 'straight acting', 'masculine' would be a better fit for such personality. 'Straight acting' is just a tad homophobic in my opinion. I mean the term itself is quite assumptious. It sorts of assume all 'straight' guy to act in certain way and 'gay' in certain way, therefore the use of 'straight' as an adjective to a kind of behaviour is quite stereotypical.
It's like:
Straight = Masculine
Gay = Feminine
Someone who like guys but masculine, thus 'straight acting'. But what about someone who is straight but feminine, then would they be called 'gay acting'? Absurd isn't it? My point exactly.
Right so that wasn't really my intention for this post though it's a good thing to think about really.
Yet again this post is about my encounter with guys, and this time with guys who claim themselves as 'straight'.
Though truth to be told, they are straight, like straight straight than just masculine, despite what I said above.
This was last couple of days, one was an Arab guy, the other was a South Asian guy. I would certainly say these group of people really have high testosterone level. This is a bit stereotypical to say but I think they are indeed. Though you can't really say it fits to all people in those groups of course, the same as not all Asians are 'smooth and slim' (another stereotypical thing in the gay community I would say).
So yes it's funny in a way for me to see these guys as they are really straight, but was having fun with me. The Arab guy I think it was a fetish for him, while the South Asian one was 'curious' so it's usual to try things out.
I would probably see them again, so I won't talk much about them now, maybe in some other posts in details. Just wanna note that straight guys also roam around in the homosexual community in certain ways, and this can make things a bit more complicated. This is quite different from the complication with the previous ones I talk about namely partnered-guys as that was more of a problem in the single gay community.
The complicated part is because the straight guys are not interested in relationship at all. For them it is just about having fun, messing around with guys when their girls can't do the job as good as gays can. It somehow objectify gays as sex toys...but quite frankly if the gays enjoy it too then it's hard to stop them from jumping into the scene again. No complaint there really. I mean which gays don't have the fantasy of being with a straight guy right?
Another thing about them is that they are also particular in the kind of things they wanna do. Some can be so adamant of keeping it 'straight' that they basically 'turn' you into girls when you're having fun with them, and most won't reciprocate and even some areas of their body are off-limit. Yes I had experience in all of these things.
But the guys I saw in the past days were quite different. The Arab guy especially, he was so masculine and manly, and at the same time was quite open to many things, which I appreciate a lot from a straight guy. As for the South Asian guy, he's quite different in that it was his first time with a guy, and it seemed he quite enjoyed it, maybe it's time to question his sexuality lol. And he was the bodybuilder type and that's another topic in which they are known to be lazy as f**k when it comes to have some fun - they just lie there and expect you to do all the work (will blog about this in later date).
And I just want to note that I don't normally go around looking for straight guys specifically. I usually prefer someone who's gay - either discreet or open - to mess around but the ones that I had been with, the straight guys I mean, usually they were the ones that made the first move. Since I'm quite lustful, I rarely deny any opportunity that come in my way.
So yeah, I'm not complaining to be honest, they are straight, it's who they are. And I'm gay, a sexual one at that too.
You know, to be quite honest, I do feel a bit tired of just having fun. I wanna have something more stable, a proper thing. I know my actions certainly doesn't reflect that well.
In relation to that though, I began to reevaluate my sex life in a way. My lewdness does affect me in many many ways - my emotion, spirituality and even my work. I honestly considering to slow it down, but...it's hard to promise. We'll see how my attempt goes. I still have at least 3 dates with other guys to commit as I promised to meet them already and so it's difficult to say now. But I'll try nonetheless. What really makes it harder is that it's Ramadhan you know, and I do have some guilt feeling over it. I just can't stop it.
Anyhow, I just wanna write that down. Again I'm sorry if my posts are repetitious in nature in term of content wise - me meeting guys etc, but again that's my gay journey. I'm not endorsing it nor do I recommend it, but I do wanna jot it down as a reflection of my life. I do think it's best to not be so promiscuous, there are many dangers with it - HIV and addictions to name a couple.
So I hope you'll walk this journey with me so that I know there'll be people who I can talk about this, and confide into when things go right or wrong. I'm not searching for approval nor disapproval, but just something to share with. Whether it's right or wrong, to all is their opinions.
Until then, stay safe okay :)
p/s: Oh btw, I've made an ask.fm account, so now you can ask me any questions here: Ask MrGaysian
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