School Crush Gone Off

My weekend with Adam was lovely. As planned, we connected, had real good conversation and just having a good time.

We went out to a market on Saturday evening, since the day before I was stuck with a paper to finish. Since we were fasting, it only took about an hour for us to realise that it wasn't really the most optimum time of the year to hang outside in the day. But we went out quite late and had to wait about an hour more before breaking our fast. Adam was a bit cranky nearing the end of the fast, but once he had a sip of the juice he bought, all of his senses came back. And we spent the day eating out and just went home.

That night we went out again around midnight to a park nearby my place. We took a stroll near a river beyond the park too, and came home around 2 in the morning. It was quite a serene thing to do, walking under the stars at night with someone, having a deep conversation about your life and everything, if we're a couple, that would be so romantic. Now I know what I wanna do when I'm in a relationship. The park was actually quite dodgy as it's really bushy and it past midnight. I was afraid to go in there but Adam romantically said, "Don't worry, you have me." Please just be mine.

He opened up more about himself. Like the kind of things he did as a 'bad boy'. Trying out various kinds of drugs (he even offered me weed) and had a near death experience on one occasion, his partying life and alcohol, being scouted for modelling (just to show how attractive he is) and his obsession with girls' ass. Yeah, I didn't manage to admit I was gay. It seemed quite unfair to be honest as I didn't talk much about myself, I just acted innocent and asking things about himself, which he sexily played along.

However, like I said, I didn't expect much. I like him, really, but he's straight as it comes, so I wouldn't want to change that. Plus, he flew off last night so it's not gonna work anyhow.

Damn, I really want a boyfriend so bad. As he was laying next to me in bed, I was fantasising how nice it would be to have someone you love actually sleeping next to you and hold you in his arms. Waking up every morning to the person you love, knowing that you don't have to think about how lonely you have to go through the day. Shit, I'm becoming lovey dovey all of a sudden.

Well, to show I haven't really change, once I sent Adam off to the airport, I went to meet Jacob, a Romanian guy I have been talking to for a couple of weeks. He's in late 30s but if there is a category of twink with an older age, he could be easily fits into that category. I kept my promise not to have sex, so we just kept it simple. We chatted too, and I couldn't help but to feel sorry for him. I could see the sadness in his eyes, being alone at that age (no judgement given to those who are in the same age), having gone through a lot with life, work, relationship and family.

I wish I can find someone to be stable with now, but I don't want to do it out of fear, but out of love. I don't want a relationship because I'm desperate, but because I'm ready to commit, I'm ready to get intimate and above all I'm ready to give my heart to someone.

Anyhow, things will get back to normal now. Ramadhan is ending in a few days time, and I must say I'm not doing really well in it this time around. I can only hope for a better self, but I would be lying to say that I tried. Because I didn't. I kinda want my life to be like this. But deep down I know I want something better, something pure, something real.

For what it's worth, I had made a promise to myself for not having random sex anymore. So that's a start, right?