Reality Check

With all the fun that I had, it's time to begin some reality checks about my life.

First of all, I am currently on PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis). It's basically medications that are given to individuals that might be on the risk of getting HIV. I was put on PEP two days ago when I went to get a regular HIV test.

I told them I had sex two days earlier before and the condom was broken. I knew with this information they would put me on high-risk group and classify it as unprotected sex, and they would want me to be on PEP as it was within the 72 hours period of post-exposure. To deem effective, the medication must start before the 72 hours period ended before the virus can replicate in the body.

It's used as a way to counter the risk of HIV after exposure. It's not 100% effective but reportedly it's an early measure to use for prevention. I had taken PEP before, so this is not my first time. The medications include 2 or 3 antiretroviral medications, and the one I got is Truvada and Raltegravir, similar with the one I had before. The medication period is 28 days so almost a month of eating pills. These drugs normally caused many side effects, but fortunately my body seem to take them well. Some people though in need of these drugs were not given the pills due to the side effects, and these pills are only given via prescription and doctor's approval. For more information you can visit this link, and there are many discussions and forums about this on the web. Again it's not 100% effective and the best way to prevent any risk of HIV transmission is always protected sex.

I know that it seems I haven't learnt from my past experience. But things like this happened. The first time I had to take PEP was because the condom fall off, so again it was categorised as unprotected sex. The doctor would determined this, so it's important to always disclose any information about your sex life for a better assessment. Now the person I had sex with this time did tell me that he got tested the week before we had sex, and that he was negative. But since it wasn't a regular thing and more of a hookup, the doctor highly recommend me to take PEP. Of course, the final decision laid on me and after deliberating on it I just decided to take it - since I didn't develop any side effects the first time before, so it's best to just have it for precautionary purposes.

My rapid HIV test that day was negative, so that was fine. From that I know I'm clear up until April. I still need to wait for the regular blood test result next week to see that I'm clear up until June. In another 6 to 8 weeks I have to get tested again to see if I'm really clear of any transmission.

It's best in that period I celibate myself, and that's what I'm leaning towards too. I'm currently trying to sort out this arrangement with a few people that I had promised to meet. Not just for me but for them too to be careful really.

The thing is, as much fun as I have, I do worry. I mean I'm just another person that love to do a lot more with my life that just having sex with strangers. But because of being so used to doing it, it does take a bit of time to back off. In a couple of months I'm going back to Malaysia, and I'm planning to build a better life. I'm going to work and have a proper lifestyle, with the intention of being true to myself ie semi-openly gay and will only have sex with a person that I have a connection with.

So yeah, I'm telling this show people that having sex with hot guys can be the dream of your life, at the same time it can also be the nightmare that you might wish you never fall into.

At the end, we all make choices, and I did make the choice to go around and have sex with people. Do I regret it? Yes and no. Do I feel sinful? Yes, everytime. But do I wish I can turn back time? Probably not. The thing about life is we have to move on and reflect on that. Do not immerse ourself in self-pity and regret but rather to see that we can change things and do something better.

I only talked about 4 guys here that I met but I can't even count how many sexual partners I had. When the doctor asked me this question I was taking more than a minute to count and just lost it. I always know I need to stop but perhaps being constantly bombarded with images of guys on the media have its challenges. In the end, temptations are everywhere, and that's really what Ramadhan in itself trying to reach us - to have self-control over our desires. I can certainly say that I fail on this part, but I'm not going to give up trying.

So yeah, at the moment I'm just fine as usual. I just feel like talking about this to let people know what sort of risks and consequences you might get into when having sex with strangers. I am fully aware of this when I make the decision so when I have to go through it, I take it as something I have to endure. Therefore if you are not strong emotionally and constantly worry about many things, it's best to not try things.

It's true, somethings are just best left alone. Once you try it, you might never get out of it.

So until then, be safe :)