Check & Balance

My supervisor emailed me today asking me how I'm doing and what's happening with my writings.

I could just say to him that I had been procrastinating with my work and too distracted to work on the paper. Partly due to the fact that I'm no longer interested in my field of study, and partly due to my high sex drive. I might become a proper sex addict if I don't control myself. I need to pull myself together and start focusing on what is important in my life - study, work and career.

Truth to be told, I hookup with guys because I feel empty. I need something to fill this void. I found it in casual sex, but soon I realise it was only temporary. The euphoria that it gives me is short-lived and so I keep looking for it endlessly. Just like drugs, where it provides you with the good sensation, but it won't last long. Truly, what I want is a loving partner. A person that can fill my empty heart.

The tricky bit is I can't have a boyfriend now. The reason is because I'm going off in a couple of months back to Malaysia so finding a boyfriend here is not going to work. Even if I found someone, I can't do long-distant relationship. So it's either I stay here and then find a boyfriend, or I go back and find someone there.

Therefore, this couple of months, I can't be in any commitment. I don't want any drama whatsoever in regards to my career life. I guess I just have to be patient and endure this couple of months alone and focus on my work instead. Which is something that I should do anyhow.

So I emailed back to him apologising with my irregular schedule and mentioned that I had trouble with writing, which he understood being a researcher himself and from our previous meetings. He emailed me back saying try to keep it consistent by writing 300-500 words per day and not to be stressed with it. I truly appreciate his understanding nature and am so grateful that I chose him to be my supervisor.

I guess talking about it here wouldn't solve my problem, but it's good to let it out. I'm going out to see a musical with a friend today, and might meet a guy I talked to last night afterwards. I know, it's ironic right? Knowing I have to stop and actually trying to stop it is different. I got so many arrangements with guys that I sideline my own working schedule.

I guess I just have to do all things together or drop one of it to really keep my life in balance. We all know which one to drop, but let's face it, who doesn't like the 'fun'.

Until then, stay focus :)