Someone's Gay Friend

My best friend had been back from his holidays. He was away for three months vacationing, while I was working part-time so that I could take things slow, one step at a time to think about my proper career path. I must admit, I kinda felt lonely when he was gone. It's not that I don't have any other friends, but he's one of the closest ones I have here.

We met a year ago, he was starting his Master's degree, and so did I. We went to different unis but stayed in the same area and we both have similar opinions about certain things which made us get along well (with many differences too but we respect each other's opinions). Our courses were different but we shared similar interest in post-colonialisms, which became the subject of most of our discussions. We're not activists in any sense, but we always thought of ourselves as a fighter in the realm of intellectual discourses and academic literatures. We tried our best to provide different perspectives to the general conceptions of the East and the West.

Anyhow, I digress.

So he's back in town, and we're leaving together next week back to our homeland. I came out to him last August, because I know I can trust him, and I feel that he's the kind of person who's open to a different kinds of identity and ideology. We practically fight for that rights in academics sense, so I know I can trust him with who I really am. And also partly because he wouldn't stop talking about girls, and I truly felt uncomfortable lengthening any kind of conversation about woman with him. He's straight, obviously. We were talking about Tinder then, and he was passing comments about the girls on it (well that's the whole point of Tinder, physical appearances is the basis of its workings). I told him I had Tinder too, and that I used it to swipe men only. The rest was history.

So we were out having dinner just now, and he talked about his new obsession - snapchat. He was taking photos and videos of me all the while we were out and told me it was for his snapchat, which was odd considering why should I be in his snapchat. Surely you use snapchat to document your little moments?

Then he said to me that he had told some of his friends while he's on vacations that he has a gay friend. He showed them some videos of me he had recorded whenever we were goofing around, which mostly involved me singing and dancing, or making comments about certain things in a funny stereotypically gay-ish way. He said his friends like me from those videos, so the snapchat thing was to update my usual gay moments. (Don't worry, I trust him, and his snapchat is private, his friends are like us too, unorthodox).

I didn't know how to take it really, and I don't want to start reading into it too much. I'm open about who I am, and the circle of friends that I have as of now mostly know my preferences, only a couple of people I explicitly told them that I love boys. But I don't know, there's something about being called as a 'gay friend' that makes me think how to take that in. It's a new thing to digest. I don't hate it, but I don't see a reason why I should be seen as 'gay friend' when I can just be a...'friend'?

I mean, I am gay, and I am a friend, so there's nothing wrong with 'gay friend' really. Technically, that's who I am. I don't know, perhaps for some people, having gay friends make them feel different too, having some kind of pride that they have gay friends. But it seems like I'm reduced to being an object, a possession to be proud of acquiring. Does the 'gay' label is necessary for my friendship?

At first I think it's unnecessary, right? Because, I don't need to be constantly labelled as the gay friend. I am who I am, my sexuality don't have to be made clear wherever I go. But at the same time, I feel like there's power in labels too. Like it gives me a safe place to be who I am with my friends, and admitting the deepest part of my emotions - I LIKE GUYS and I AM GAY. It's also a reminder that I'm not alone, being labelled as gay is something powerful too, and so I should learn how to accept it when I hear it from another person, which is rare because whenever I came out, people would noted it but constantly avoid to use the word 'gay'. It's not a bad word, but it seems like people would rather not use it.

I mean, rather than using the word 'gay', many choose to use the term 'PLU' instead back home. People Like Us, a powerful label in my opinion to carry the meaning of being gay and that they are not alone. Either 'gay' or 'PLU', the issue is really about hearing it said to you, especially from a bestfriend. I thought when we came to terms with who we are, that's all there is, but it also means that we have to redefine ourselves to other people. And when people redefine us in that way, would we be okay with it? We want people to know us as who we are, but when it does happens, would they see us differently? Or would we still be the same person as they knew before we came out to them?

For me, I don't know, I'm still figuring out this whole 'I am a gay friend to my bestfriend' or 'I am a friend to my bestfriend' or 'I am a friend who happened to be gay to my bestfriend' or 'I am gay, and I have a bestfriend'. I don't think it's a big deal really, but something just made me feel a bit conscious when my bestfriend said, "I have a gay friend."

I'm not sure whether I make any sense. What do you think?

The Sweetest Boy

A few moments ago, as I was scrolling down my tweet feed, reading through the creative sentences that people come up with in 140 characters, I stopped at a tweet from a person I knew back in school. In that moment, a sudden flashback of memories came in and I was smiling to myself remembering those beautiful instances that the memories hold.

It's not the tweet that pushed me down the memory lane, it's the person, the thought of him. We were in the same boarding school, he was a year older than me. He was a senior and I was a junior. We had a brief undefined relationship back in that days, and I am still unsure of the nature of our connections. The closest I can get to now is friends, and seeing how things unfold in hindsight, I think I'm just gonna stick with this definition. It can be interpreted differently, but it's all in the past, so whatever it is, we had something sweet and that's all that matter.

So a quick description of this person, we have the same name, Brandon, which I think is very sweet, a pleasant coincidence if you like. Our birthdays are also two days apart and we find this really interesting too. He had an average figure, scrawny somewhat, like any other typical teenagers. I stalked him before writing this post, and he still has the same figure telling from his pictures. He's cute, needless to say, babyface actually which I told him back then and he was flattered by it.

The other thing about him is that he's super genius. His specialty was Chemistry, he was the brightest student in the subject, like the top one in the whole school, and he liked Maths too. If we want to play the stereotype game, he's definitely the cute nerd. Challenging Maths problems literally gave him pleasure, which I never understood how one could possibly find pleasure in those 'things' (I made Maths sounds like a foreign gross object, I know).

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I never paid much attention to him to be honest, since we had little in common. Obviously being in different year group made it unnecessary to know one another, then the circle of friends we had were also different. As I blogged here before about my first love (it was the same school and a year later), I was with the divas, so my senior friends were from the same group too and he's obviously not one of them. He hanged out with people who talked about Chemistry, Maths and Physics which I didn't really enjoy so our paths rarely crossed if ever.

However, one day, I was chatting with a friend of mine who was also a senior, and Brandon came to us. As it happened, my friend was in the same class with him and Brandon needed something from him, so out of courtesy my friend introduced us to each other. This happened back in 2008 so I vaguely remember how it went, but I do know that we chatted after my friend left us alone afterwards. I was really enjoying the conversation which I can't remember on what, but we had a good talk, and I think that sparked some attractions in us.

After that, we bumped into each other more often (or perhaps we were more aware of walking passed one another) and talked a bit more. Since living in boarding school, you had to do your prayers in congregation especially for the dusk and night prayers. So we usually talked in between the prayers, as he often came and had a chat with me. There were always some religious lectures in that period too, but we often hanged at the back talking to one another. There was nothing unusual about it, not that I was aware of, I simply liked talking to him and I would like to think that he enjoyed it too. Sometimes I noticed before the prayer started, he would suddenly appeared and had the prayer besides me, so that we could talk afterwards. It goes without saying that I found this very lovely of him, but little did I know that he had so much more nice gestures up his sleeves.

One time, I had lost my Chemistry paper in the school's hall. It was after some exams, mid term I think, and I didn't do well in it. I was really bad in Chemistry back then (I got better the year after), so I didn't really care that much about it. That night, after supper, before I went up to my room, I bumped into him. He said he found my paper, and I immediately felt embarrassed. I knew how good he was in the subject and his reputation of being the only person that ever answered all of the Chemistry questions correctly in an exam made me feel like my stupidity was exposed to the most brilliant person ever. It became more embarrassing when he said he had take a look at it. I mean if you didn't do well in a paper, you obviously don't want anyone to look at it, let alone the one that can see all the mistakes just by flipping through the paper. I struggled with Chemistry and I was really insecure about admitting it back then.

So he gave me the paper, and I instantly took it. He asked me to take a look at the paper that night, I took this as a sign that I needed to study more and I was basically ready to get away from him then. That night I did take a look at my paper, and it was such a shocking moment when I found that he had corrected every single one of my mistakes, with all the calculations, methods and steps written clearly next to each questions. I was surprised, and the only kind of feeling I could describe was "that's so sweet of him." If this is a love story, this is definitely the point where the characters fall in love with one another. I vividly remember his handwriting and the blue pen he used to circle the correct answers in my paper. I was really touched by it. Too bad I still didn't do well in Chemistry later that year lol. When I saw him again and told him how nice of him to do that, he just smiled sheepishly and it was the cutest thing ever.

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And it didn't stop there. Oh no it didn't.

One time I was in the shower, and my friend had called me to say that the head boy was looking for me. I was instantly scared, usually when someone was called by the head boy to his room, they're in big trouble. Boarding school students always find a way to deal things in a way that's very perplexing to me. They sometimes asked the trouble maker to a room, and all the seniors with some authoritative power would deal with that person, sometimes by mere lecture but more often shout-shaming and ragging basically. I knew our head boy was nice, but he was still a serious person, highly disciplined, so I still feel a bit anxious about being called to his room, which was just a few rooms away from mine.

After the shower which I had cut short, I went to the head boy's room, braving myself of whatever it was I was about to face. So I knocked on his door and he invited me in. Then he said with his usual serious face, "Brandon wants to see you," and then I realised that Brandon was in his room too. I was puzzled, in my head I kept thinking "so I wasn't in trouble?". The head boy clearly saw that on my face and said, "I don't know what he wants, or what business the two of you have, but feel free to meet each other." and then walked to his table and continue studying. I was confused. Brandon and the head boy was in the same class so they're definitely good friends. What I didn't know was why he wanted to see me and used his friend. He could've come directly to my room, that should be less awkward, at least for me. Another thing about boarding school culture is, words travel easily, and senior-junior relationship that are out of ordinary can easily become the talk of the school. Perhaps he wanted to avoid this. So we stayed in the room, and turned out he just wanted to talk, and I was flattered again by his gesture seeing him went to great length just to talk to me. That sort of effort should be applauded.

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After the school year ended, I was at home and he had to stay for another month or so for the final graduating exam. During this time, he often phoned me. Back in the days (it was only 2008 but felt like ages) we relied on public phones to make our calls. So I know it's not cheap for him to call me, but he did anyway. We talk for ages. Again I can't remember the details of our many conversations but I know I felt happy receiving his call.

It was lovely to have a friend like him, who never stopped to make me touched by his sweet gestures. I mentioned earlier about the undefined relationship because it seemed like coquetry to me, but at the same time, there's nothing official about it that I think friendship is the best I can get to. Also, being with him made me feel like how having a big brother who's looking after me felt like. I don't have any brothers, and I know siblings can be mean to one another rather than all-loving and sweet, but it's still nice to feel loved in that sense.

In my final year at the school, he graduated but we still kept in touch. Fast forward, he's also studying in Europe but I never thought about him much until just now when I saw his tweets. We were friends on FB of course, and occasionally he would RT my tweets. I felt compelled to check on him again, which meant stalking his FB and Twitter. I thought of reaching out to him after all these years, but it might get awkward. It was such a long time ago. I wonder if he ever felt something, he's certainly cute and I won't mind if we ended up in a relationship truth be told. But in the end, it is what it is and I savour these memories. And don't get me wrong, we did have plenty of conversation and FB chats afterwards, but it's mostly casual and just updating about one another life.

In hindsight though, I could be a better friend. You see, I am such a callous person in any sort of relationship. I don't know how to make friends, I must admit to this. In terms of getting to know people, that comes easily to me, but actually making an effort of keeping a friend, I am never really good at that department. My father once said to me, "you don't know how to be a friend." and he's right about it. I could've kept in touch more with Brandon, and visits him since we're not that far away, but I just forget. People come and go, and I have other friends and other friends afterwards from prep schools, to uni, to being abroad etc etc. I just...I don't know, sometimes we missed out on friendship because there's too much to choose from, but when we finally realised we should keep the one we already have, it might be just a little too late.

Anyhow, it was nice to remember my moments with Brandon. I realise now that I should work on becoming a better friend, so that I won't lose anyone that I have now.

p/s: Sorry if this post is a bit cheesy, but I would like to put them here so that I won't forget about him. New memories are coming in, so I better keep safe the old ones huh :)

Post Midnight Ramble

Perhaps it's best for me to stay for a while longer. So thank you to the commenters of my previous post for the encouragement. It's certainly pleasing to know that there are people who took some joy in reading my posts (hopefully).

For what it's worth, there are some things that I can only share here as a semi-anonymous somewhat elusive blogger that I can't (or more aptly better not) share at some other places. A secret hideout as you would like, for me to find some comfort in sharing these thoughts without having to face the feared consequences of being an open gay Asian.

***

Meanwhile, I have taken some interests in a few different things over the past few weeks, most of which are related to pop culture. In some ways, I have been daydreaming about making a career in one of these phenomena. And all that it was is just that - daydreaming. The kind of fantasy you have thinking about how grand it would be to find a job that associate with fame and glamour. I suppose I am being a little bit nonchalant about my life at the moment, nothing is serious, for weeks and months of planning and scheduling, I think I deserve some breaks to make sense of the world around me first before impulsively pursuing something I later regret.

With that being said, I will be coming home soon. I have mixed feelings about it. Sad and unaccomplished, but eager and excited. I'm not sure which emotion triumph the other but one thing I do know is that I am scared. In all honesty, I'm not ready for home, and admitting that somehow makes me feel arrogant. That I am above all of the people at home, I am better, and so naturally be afraid of them. As much as I keep trying to convince myself that I do not think lowly of my own community, I kept falling back to the sort of subconscious feeling I have about them. I suppose the only way to remedy this thought is to face the very people themselves, and keeping my feet on the ground to appreciate the greatness and excellence of others. Humility is certainly a trait I need to work on, perhaps I am blinded by my frustration about the many wrong things happening in my country. Of course it's not an excuse, but rather a simple explanation of why I am having the thoughts. 

In some other aspects of my life, I am finding my way to be contented with being single. I have not engaged in any form of relationship - emotional or sexual - since August (or July, I can't be sure, but a couple of months definitely). In this fact I find it comforting to tell myself that I can actually start anew about my love life. I plan to stay on that way until I find someone that I can love, I can trust, and that I can be happy with. But in order to do that, I first have to love myself, trust my own heart and be happy in my own skin. Surely I can't expect someone to love me if I don't love myself. So for that reason, I'm starting afresh.

However, I kept getting these dreams where I was either falling in love with someone, or already in a relationship with someone. Just last night I was dreaming about my crush in uni where he weirdly appeared in my study room and offered me some helps to stack on my books on the top shelf. While doing it, he took of his shirt and I was jaw-dropped to find him in the flesh with sweats and body hair. The way this stuck in my head now seems to be a reminder that subconsciously I am longing for a companion. Not only that, a few weeks ago I dreamed about my husband (which is odd because I don't even know how I know this, but in the dream this person is my husband) which is of course non-existent and yet to be determined by real life. That's not only meant I longed for a companionship, it meant I longed for a soul mate.

It's funny really how our minds keep telling us things that we don't want to admit in its own mysterious way. I suppose when one say life is a mystery, this is what they meant by it. Mystery or not, one can only find out by giving oneself a chance to experience life. A lot of these thoughts are really the screams of our inner self, longing to replace the facade we put on to please others and rarely ourselves.

On that note, I am no better than you. And on that note too, I sort of prefer to wallow in those dreams than to pursue it in reality. Plus, it's three am now, I better get some sleep in the hope that I can get one of those subconscious romance dreams again.

So yes I'm staying, and yes this is a ramble of an insomniac. Sorry.

Thinking of Leaving

It's been a while, I know.

A few things happened but there's not much really to say. I'm not sure whether I wanna continue to keep writing in this blog. I'm not leaving blogging entirely, just not here.

Until then, I'm still deciding.

First Love

I don't have anything new to update, so I thought a walking-down-the-memory-lane post would be a nice substitute.

I've only been in a relationship once. It was quite an experience, with its peaks and troughs of emotions. If I remember correctly, our relationship lasted for about 6 months or so. We knew each other two years prior to the relationship, and even though we broke up 6 years ago, we still very much keeping in touch with one another.

Perhaps, it's more apt to call this relationship of mine a high school fling. As the name implies, we were in the same school, the same class in fact. Saif was not a person I would normally fall for, his physical appearance wasn't what people would call my type. He was slim, neatly combed hair, a typical sporty guy, with dark brown complexion. I normally prefer someone quite the opposite of these but fate had it that he would be my first. Saif was nice and gentle, with occasional bad boy character he had on when he's in his pack of jock friends (which just so happened that on one occasion he ignored me when I waved at him for fear of ridicule by his mates).

Our fond of one another didn't happen overnight, but rather a slow realisation that we liked each other after 2 years of acquaintance. High school, as many would probably experienced it, had its own social divide - the prefects, the nerds, the pious, the rich kids, the debaters, the drama club, the teacher's pet, so on and so forth. Saif and I were in different gang, I was the divas and he was obviously the jocks. So our social circle rarely had the chance to overlap, being naturally at the opposite ends of the school social spectrum. But we were in the same class in our final year of schooling, and so that lead us to get to know each other better.

I was an outspoken person, very extroverted and owned the divine gift of divaness in me. People of my sort would normally be bullied but I had a way of making myself likeable by others, and that was by seducing the guys that I know would potentially be a bully. My promiscuity had not always been something for my personal pleasure, but started as a skill to merely survive school. Many closeted gay high schoolers would know how essential it is to have the correct survival skill to go through school. One thing for sure, after school, it does gets better.

Anyhow, flirting with other boys had then become one of my natural characters, even though I wasn't intending to do so. I talked and interacted with other boys in a certain flirtatious way, and it slipped my mind that doing so might send the wrong signal. For what it worth, my strategy worked, I was safe from any sort of bullying minus a few person who secretly hated me, high school then became bearable and a place I can truly be happy and make friends.

This extended to how I interacted with Saif. I remember his sheepish smile when I teasingly caressed his hand, or when I persuaded him to give me a back rub while I pretending to be sleepy, or when I over-exaggerated my reactions to his stories like they were the most interesting things I'd ever heard. With subtle hints of affections, I began to have a soft spot for him. Little did I know that he too began to have the same feeling for me. It was mutual, and I genuinely didn't push the feelings we had. It all bred on its own and I suppose that's the sweet thing about it. I didn't pursue him, nor did he pursue me, but we found each other side by side one fine day and everything seemed beautiful.

The moment we realised that we were inseparable was a memory to be cherished. We had finished with school, and was waiting to go back home. We stayed in hostel that night and laid next to one another. Pillow talk was our thing, that's how we bonded too. As the night progressed, with our chats subdued to the song of the night, we kissed. It was uncalled for, and the both of us were slightly taken aback not knowing what it meant nor how to go forward. But after the kiss, I could see his smile through the moon rays. We cuddled and slept with out hearts tied together that night.

He was then my first kiss, my first boyfriend, and my first of many things, and I was his. Our story was somewhat resembled the typical coming-of-age tale of a gay boy finding meaning of what this all meant. During our short-lived yet highly passionate relationship, we experienced it all. I was happy, and he was too. We visited one another even though we lived at different parts of the country, and talked on the phone for hours till we had to work to earn money for our mobile top up, and we talked and loved each other like the world belonged only to the both of us.

The minute details of what we do would take more than a post, there were so many memories I had with him. Perhaps, I'll cherish those in another posts, one by one if the time allows.

The end of our relationship however was not something I'm proud of. It was me who broke it off, and that broke his heart deeply until this day. I somehow couldn't forgive myself for making him suffer for many years afterwards, but I kept in touch to check on him, making sure that he lived well and went of with his life without me.

It all started because I wanted to start anew. I was selfish of course, not realising that he would be a person I should take on that positive journey. But at the time I was still struggling with my sexuality and identity. I felt that I need to try to be straight and that same-sex relationship would lead to nowhere. Furthermore, we both earned funding to go abroad, but in a different countries. So long distance relationship would be difficult to maintain, even when we were in the same country. In retrospect, I suppose one should fight for one's love. But I was handling too much emotions at the same time, and couldn't bear more than that of my own.

So I called it off, and he was devastated. He begged for another go, but I assured him that it's best if we separated. After all, he wasn't gay to start with, and he didn't turn gay even though he had a relationship with me. He was and is still straight as he comes. Men don't interest him and our situation was different in that it's personal and individual, rather than an attraction to a specific gender. Knowing that I could potentially robbed him of the chances of normal life he could have, I backed off, doing him a favour. Or so I thought.

In many years to come, whenever we found ourself messaging one another, he would remind me of his love. And in those instances, I would ask him to let me go. He then would say he's only joking, but one can easily tell when a joke or a genuine confession was made. It ached me deeply that I had ruined a person's heart.

Since we're both abroad, summer was the only time we could meet. And every time we met, we would have passionate ex-boyfriend sex. It didn't really help our emotions to be honest, especially for him, but sex with him was different, it truly meant something. With others, it was purely physical. Until now, he only had sex with me, and I on the other hand couldn't keep track of how much guys I've slept with. I couldn't resist to have a go with Saif every summer, because the once slim boy I knew at school has now turned into a muscular dark skinned hunk. It certainly add to the pleasure, but without his muscular physique, I still loved him, and I cared for him. I still do until today, but as a friend.

He was waiting for me to come back this year as originally planned, but I haven't told him yet of the changes. There's a plan for us to stay together when I come home since he's also an unemployed fresh grad, but I suppose that plan might not come true. The last time we texted, it was a couple of weeks ago, and I finally got to hear what I wanted to, that he would try to let me go. Of course that doesn't mean we couldn't be friend, or stay together as a matter of fact. But at least, emotionally he would be free to look for his girl, and I on the other hand has made the choice to be true to myself and wait for another love to grow, just how it happened with Saif and I.

Waiting for a love that was not pushed nor pursued, but an authentic desire to be together.

Job & Flat Hunt

I suppose an update would be nice.

So I'm still on a job hunt, and it doesn't seems to be going well as I had imagined. The everyday reality is surely getting harder. There are too many things to consider, too many decisions to be made. Giving up seems to be a convenient option, but it's only a feeling in passing. I'm still hopeful as ever, so that should be okay.

With that being said however, I've been doing some part-time jobs. I'm working as a waiter and kitchen staff for a hotel restaurant, and I take up event staff role as well. These are all one-off temporary jobs but since the caterer have many events to serve, they would usually call me for the next days. So I've been busy working morning to night serving people, washing dishes, preparing food, setting up event's venues and what not.

It's very labour intensive, something I'm not entirely used to being an academician primarily. But I enjoy it very much. Apart from giving me some extra cash, it's a good place to gain a different sort of experience, something I noticed a lot of companies are looking for. So I suppose it helps me to build my CV and my proper job hunt. In all honesty, I might as well said I'm working full time since I have to be on shift from 8.00 am to 10.00 pm some days, and almost on work 6 days a week. They pay me per hour so the more I do, the more I get.

Last week was full with events. It was extremely exhausting, but rewarding at the same time. The events are mostly for VVIPs, like ministers, ambassadors and CEOs. I served three ministers last week, and served the prime minister yesterday. It's interesting to see the kind of people coming to these events and how they were expected to be served. We did a buffet-type catering last week and naturally with buffet, queue would be formed as people swarmed at the food at once. It wasn't really a long queue to be honest but there were grunts coming from these VIP guests. I suppose they're expecting to be served rather than self-serving, and waiting is not a thing they're used to. So we changed it to a more traditional waitering style for yesterday's event, that means more work for us. Like I said though, it's a different sort of thing for me too. Eavesdropping to their conversations was entertaining as well.

Apart from those, I'm also on a flat hunt. It comes with it's own hassle. So I'm planning to drop by at a letting agent office today just to see if there's any property available. Luckily I'm not being called to work today so I have some free time to spend. Finding a cheap place to stay isn't easy but I can't afford to stay at my old place anymore. We'll see how it goes, as usual, I'm hopeful as ever.

Until then, wish me luck and happy Eid.

New Route

There has been a few changes in regards to my plan. I have decided to withdraw from the job I'll be starting in October due to a loophole in the contract that I was given. Since they want me to start in October, I have yet to receive my final grade at the time. It'll be out in mid-November rather. After dropping an email asking for clarification on the situation, they said I can start first without my result and if I don't meet their requirement later then I have to leave the job.

Obviously, this isn't the best offer for me. Not that I'm too proud of myself to take up any job, but like I said, I have an inkling that I might not be able to meet their condition. Plus, there are many companies that offer a lesser condition with greater pay! To add to that, being asked to drop out after a month of working, making acquaintances, settling with housing and everything related would be highly embarrassing and not to mention cumbersome.

I basically want something that is clear. I can imagine having this sort of loophole doesn't really give me the kind of confidence to do my job well. If I got the job, I got the job, and I'll start. Afterwards, I would prefer to be judged on my working performance and not my uni result anymore.

Anyhow, for that reason, I might have to stay back a while longer here and start looking for a new job. It's quite challenging now because of visa requirements are getting much harder to get through, and not to mention it's already quite late in the year to look for an opening for fresh grad. But I'm an optimistic person, sometimes to the point of a dreamer, so I keep my faith up high.

I'm planning to start my job hunt tomorrow. I'll keep you guys updated on it. Hopefully it doesn't take me over a month to do so. Friends of mine have been trying for 6 months now and haven't got any luck. Again, I'm feeling confidence I can do this. So yeah, wish me luck :)

Better

I'm feeling much better now, the ulcer and throat pain have subsided a couple of days ago. But I noticed I have lost my usual appetite. I eat less and don't seem to be craving for food like I used to. So I lost some weight, and the antibiotics still give me some discomfort but nothing major I can't handle.

I just met my supervisor today for the last time. My final submission is next week, and there're couple of things I have to amend for the thesis. I'm doing Master's if any of you is wondering, and I'm planning to stop my study at this stage for a while. It's quite easy to just continue doing PhD and all, there're so many offers, but I feel like I need a break from studying and start gaining real life experience so to speak.

And I'm not seeing anyone for a week now, and intend to stay that way until I decide it's time for me to be out and about again. It might take weeks or months, or even years. I had my share of fun, and after a while I realise they're all just the same really. Pure physical sex and nothing more.

Anyhow, just feel like writing to let you all know I'm doing good now. I'm finishing my study, feeling better health wise, taking care of my emotions and preparing myself to go back to my homeland.

In all honesty, I'm not sure if it's the best decision I made, but I believe at one point I have to go back and serve my nation in one way or another. I do plan to move out afterwards, and we'll see how that goes in a couple of years. The job that I'll be starting this October is also dependent upon my result, and truth to be told, I'm not doing particularly well at the moment due to disinterestedness, but I'll manage. I can look for another job if it's not going as planned, so I'm not worrying too much about that really. My only focus now is to finish my study and what comes afterwards is another story that I'm very open to. Luckily my parents are very supportive, they don't mind what kind of job I'll end up doing, even small paying job, their only hope is that I'm honest in my work and do it diligently. I can't ask for more.

I hate the pressure of expectations, just because I have a Master's degree, and spent my years abroad after school, that I should be doing some important job. People keep asking me about what kind of job I'll be doing and how much it pays, it's quite annoying really. But looking at Malaysia's current situation, with the fall of our currency and the political instability that have been going on for such a long time, I can see why the pressure is there. It's simply the need to survive, and the need to sustain oneself and those that depend on us. I sincerely hope things will get better of course. On that note, hopefully Bersih 4.0 tomorrow will show the kind of hope that we all share.

Until then, hope everything is well with you too, whoever you are dear readers :)

Being Sick

So I'm down with a terrible health condition - that's a bit over the top, but I always pride myself for being super healthy and rarely catch a cold or fever.

Which is why when I was down with a fever for almost a week, I got a bit anxious. What if I have this, what if it was that, what if...what if...

After the awkward date episode, my tongue ulcer reached its peak. Anyone who had an ulcer before knows that ulcers usually have its slaying head moment during the third to fifth day of its unwelcome existence. So I had to bear that while at the same time my gum wasn't anywhere better. The fever and diarrhoea the night before didn't help either to reduce my already moody and depressed state from the date and life generally.

So I decided to see a dentist thinking all these might be related to my oral problem. The dentist then prescribed me with Metronidazole which is some pretty strong shit, and literally shit, like it makes you poop...a lot. My sister (the doctor) said the med covers digestive infection too, and I was put on the antibacteria because the dentist thought my gum condition was caused by bacterial infection.

At the same time, I felt some burning sensation in my throat that progressed to a much worse condition a couple of days later. I had difficulty swallowing, and I wasn't even coughing to make it seems like it was inflammed from overcoughing etc. The fever on the other hand stayed with me during this whole ordeal.

Having all these together just keep feeding into my health anxiety. Being sexually active, this can be a bit alarming since like I mentioned, I do rarely get sick and I might have caught something from someone. So to clear up my mind and finding out what exactly made me sick, I went to sexual health clinic to get a full sexual health test. A lot of the symptoms I have are similar to those that could come from STDs, but the surest way to know is by getting tested.

I spent a bit of time in the clinic, talking to a health councillor after getting my samples taken to really just talk about my anxiety. He spent almost 45 minutes on me trying to present different scenarios of what might happen realistically, and that I had low risk from our conversation of how I conducted myself during sex i.e. use protection without question, and that if I ever tested positive, what would it mean really and why does it bothers me.

In a way, I felt a bit better from my session with him. I'm not sure if such a service is given in Malaysia, because all these are all free of charge, and I just had to walk in really and say what my problem was. Not only they were helpful, they went to a great length to make sure that I feel ok. And talking about sexual activity with your doctor is really important, and I cannot stress this enough. For many reasons really, but I'm not sure how open would doctors in Malaysia to hear about my promiscuity when I had to disclose these information for health purposes.

Anyhow, the health councillor said he'll keep an eye on my test and called me when they're done with the result. Usually it'll take about 10 days for you to get your result back, but I received a call from the doctor the very next day and was informed that I was negative. It was a relief to hear, but it didn't rule out that my condition must be caused by something. At this point, I couldn't even put food in my mouth. All I could go for in one day was an omelette, a piece of bread and mushroom soup - with difficulty in swallowing all of these. I suspected that I might have a throat infection instead and decided to go to a general clinic to get it checked.

As it turned out, it was a throat infection indeed. Strep throat more precisely. After checking the symptoms online, it matches with all that I had. I was prescribed Penicillin for my throat and had to take that for 10 days. I was still on Metronidazole, and only God knows how terrible the side effects of these strong antibiotics are.

It's been a week now and I feel generally much better. I still get a bit burning feeling when swallowing, and my tongue suddenly becomes very dry. It's hard to go on the day with the malaise, which I think is what the antibiotics are giving me now. Still I had to finish its course. The challenge in all this is that my final submission is next week and I had dropped an email in the middle of the week to my supervisor saying I'm ill. I thought I could get it done by the end of the week feeling strong with my condition, but clearly I'm not Wolverine that could heal myself. So I still have to endure the work among all these. Perhaps I'll stay at the library tomorrow to push myself to finish it so that I can get a proper rest while the antibiotics go to town in my body.

Oh before I end, being sick got me thinking that it might be the time to ease up on certain things in my life as well. That being deleting profiles on dating apps and focusing on being healthy after this episode - physically and mentally. I know I said this before, but I think this sickness is like a slap in the face for me to start practicing some abstinence finally.

Awkward Date

So I just came back from the most awkward date ever. I wouldn't even call it a date since we're not looking for a long-term relationship, but more of a hookup with a touch of casualty.

There were too many awkward moments and I honestly don't know where to begin.

So Adrian found me on Grindr. This was exactly a week ago. He texted me and I duly replied. I was meeting another guy from Grindr during the time and was of course keeping it casual.

I'm sure a lot of you know what Grindr is for. As my roommate beautifully put it, "the app's name is 'Grind(ing)', what else would you expect?".

Since I was already meeting up another person during the time, there wasn't much point to flirt around. With all that being said about Grindr, I'm always positively hopeful of the good things that might come out of it, like a good long term, fill with commitment relationship.

Now we talked and chatted a bit, like the things we're into and all that kind of stuff. Then he went silent for a week until he texted me again yesterday.

As usual, I'm always open for any possibilities. I was waiting to meet another person yesterday, but he ended up sick and had to cancel, so after a few texts, Adrian and I arranged to meet today.

But I woke up with a small tongue ulcer this morning and a swollen gum. I suspected it's from my sleeping position, I might've pushed the tongue against my teeth. So I informed Adrian that I couldn't do anything oral as the ulcer is painful, and the swollen gum is very uncomfortable. For that reason we agreed to just take a walk.

Sensing that taking a walk by its very nature is awkward, he suggested a movie instead, which I agreed. The chat around this arrangement was the start to the most awkward evening ever. I told him I would check what's good on show, and if there's anything worth going, we would do cinema movie and if not we would just do home movie. So I said perhaps Magic Mike XXL, Pixels or Trainwreck would be fun to watch. To which he said he didn't know any of it and would prefer anything as long as it's not horror or violence movie.

To this I was like, OMFG! HOW CAN ANYONE NOT KNOW MAGIC MIKE! AND YOU'RE GAYYYYYY!

I think he also assumed Trainwreck to be a violence movie, thus his reply. But after politely saying that it's a comedy, we're set to watch Trainwreck. Obviously in my mind I wanna watch John Cena's sexy bum! I could go to town with his ass in front of me! And I thought that might interest Adrian too, you know what with being gay and all.

He was 10 minutes early than we set, so I had to dash to meet him. The moment we saw one another, I can feel that we have no chemistry whatsoever. Like zero, nadaa!

It's not that he's not attractive or anything, he's good looking, well-built and city professional. But I don't know, I can just sense that we're not really a match to one another. But since we already have the plan in mind, it's more awkward to end it, and like any other decent person, chances should always be given. For all I know, he might be very likeable indeed and I might be spending the best evening ever.

But hell to the no!

For one, he's not very talkative, and it gets a bit irritating to be the one that's keep asking the question and keep it running. Second, when he did speak, it's more like a mumble than a proper enunciated sentence. Third, his replies were brief and short-lived. I can't even save some of the topics I started.

Obviously I was somewhat uncomfortable with the situation. Thus the awkward silence begun. We took a walk to the cinema in like 50% silence, and the other half were just the like I mentioned above.

To add to the already awkward situation, we arranged to get some food before the movie. So we went to Pizza Hut next to the cinema. At this point, the awkward silence took over 70% of the time and I was literally restless inside. Then the problem with Pizza Hut didn't really help either. The waiter was super nice which obviously put a big contrast to the dynamics we didn't have. Then there were so many people in the place, what was already a mumble from Adrian's mouth turned to a fucking whisper. And then the pizza took ages to come, so we had to pretend (at least I was) we had a good time having some good conversation while frantically looking for that super nice waiter to serve our pizza.

Then came the movie I was looking forward to see. During the movie, I really really enjoyed myself. I mean I laughed, jerked forward during some funny moments, gasped here and there, generally just being a proper cinephile. But he was like a statue, nothing moved, nothing came out of his mouth, and no reactions whatsoever. I obviously felt a bit anxious since I chose the movie and felt guilty if he wasn't enjoying himself. But it was such a good movie, well romcom level of good, obviously not Oscar level, but nonetheless it was a hilarious movie!

When the ticket girl asked us how was the movie afterwards, I was like "Oh it was so good, like so funny.", but he's like "yeah it was alright!".

Alright? Alright!?

Next came the most awkward point, the 'do you wanna head back to mine?' question. I asked him what he wanted to do and he mumbled something like "I don't know." I literally gave up trying then to make the evening enjoyable, but one last thing that might be able to make it a bit better was sex of course.

The cinema was just 5 minutes away from my place, so I invited him over. We walked in silence of course.

Upon entering my place, we just get on with it. Since I couldn't do anything oral, I wasn't particularly enjoying it much. Oral stimulation is a big thing in sex and without it you just have to rely on other's good will of 'serving' you to get you hard. And did I mention that I wanked an hour before the date, because I wasn't really planning on having sex and. It was a last resort kinda thing to rekindle what was there in out text messages.

Then the awkward moment continued...

First he came too soon. I was about to top him when he shot his load. I was like, "what the hell!". He didn't even signal it coming and didn't even jerked. So I asked him whether he really want me in him and he said, "yeah sure." It's like 'yeah you can do whatever you want, I don't really care.'

I personally don't like that kind of sex. If you wanna get on with me, be up for it, be enthusiastic, be prepared (I won't even talk about his seemingly unprepared bottom), and just basically be horny damn it.

So I lost my own libido. Since I'm the top, that spelled disaster to my guy down there. I couldn't get it hard. Having previously wanked and not really have the sex drive just didn't do me any good. After 10 minutes of trying in vain, I gave up. I just said, "I can't do this, I'm sorry."

We had no spark, no chemistry, no match whatsoever...and I just couldn't do it. It was frustrating, and somewhat embarrassing.

I sensed that he was a bit disappointed by that but I mean he had his fault too like coming too quickly. Many people would see that as the end, not the start of a sex session. After lying there exchanging remarks like "Sorry again," and "Oh not it's ok I should be sorry" etc he put his clothes on and left. He even suggested me to go see a doctor...and I'm like, 'dude, I had sex more than you can ever imagine, if my guy doesn't like you, he won't get hard.'

The goodbye kiss or hug or whatever was it just now was another awkward moment.

*sigh* so that's how my evening went today. I suppose I was expecting too much maybe. But from the little information I gathered from him, he was a late bloomer, never had a relationship (like ever), and was just starting to enter the dating or hookup game like a couple of months ago. He literally just entered the gay world. He wasn't even out. I mean I'm out and proud, had too many experience for my age, and basically enthusiastic about a lot of things. So we were basically quite the opposite to one another.

Adrian is the kind of person who caught up with career and the kind that focused on one thing only to realise his time had passed. He's in early thirties btw for those of you wondering. But at least he's making his way now. He realised this fact, as in that I obviously slept around with guys while he's just starting out in this gay world. In a way I felt like I was being judged on it.

My life atm is literally like Amy in Trainwreck, another reason I really wanna watch the movies. I relate to her character and the funny moments happened from being the persons we are.

I suppose one thing I learnt from today is not to jump into a date if you don't really feel like it. I mean we arranged it as such because I couldn't do anything oral, that's all. If I don't have the ulcer, I would just head over to his place and fuck his brain out and be done with it. That's what he was proposing at first anyhow.

Spending time like taking a stroll, grab some food, and watch a movie together must only be reserved to someone that you really wanna work something out of it. As of now, I only have one person I would wanna do those things. But he lives 200 miles away. We skyped everyday and I'm so looking forward to see him at the end of this month.

I mean one other thing that you can do is keeping it the old-fashioned way as well. Like if you have a colleague that you really like and you already know each other on the surface and would like to get to know each other more, these are more suited. But if you really just looking for a fuck, then there's no need for beating around the bush kind of hanging out, just get on with it really.

And save yourself all these awkward moments.

Check & Balance

My supervisor emailed me today asking me how I'm doing and what's happening with my writings.

I could just say to him that I had been procrastinating with my work and too distracted to work on the paper. Partly due to the fact that I'm no longer interested in my field of study, and partly due to my high sex drive. I might become a proper sex addict if I don't control myself. I need to pull myself together and start focusing on what is important in my life - study, work and career.

Truth to be told, I hookup with guys because I feel empty. I need something to fill this void. I found it in casual sex, but soon I realise it was only temporary. The euphoria that it gives me is short-lived and so I keep looking for it endlessly. Just like drugs, where it provides you with the good sensation, but it won't last long. Truly, what I want is a loving partner. A person that can fill my empty heart.

The tricky bit is I can't have a boyfriend now. The reason is because I'm going off in a couple of months back to Malaysia so finding a boyfriend here is not going to work. Even if I found someone, I can't do long-distant relationship. So it's either I stay here and then find a boyfriend, or I go back and find someone there.

Therefore, this couple of months, I can't be in any commitment. I don't want any drama whatsoever in regards to my career life. I guess I just have to be patient and endure this couple of months alone and focus on my work instead. Which is something that I should do anyhow.

So I emailed back to him apologising with my irregular schedule and mentioned that I had trouble with writing, which he understood being a researcher himself and from our previous meetings. He emailed me back saying try to keep it consistent by writing 300-500 words per day and not to be stressed with it. I truly appreciate his understanding nature and am so grateful that I chose him to be my supervisor.

I guess talking about it here wouldn't solve my problem, but it's good to let it out. I'm going out to see a musical with a friend today, and might meet a guy I talked to last night afterwards. I know, it's ironic right? Knowing I have to stop and actually trying to stop it is different. I got so many arrangements with guys that I sideline my own working schedule.

I guess I just have to do all things together or drop one of it to really keep my life in balance. We all know which one to drop, but let's face it, who doesn't like the 'fun'.

Until then, stay focus :)

Motherf**king S**t

Too pissed to actually write it.

Let the video talk.





Yeah so I'm just gonna say 2 things:
i) Broke my celibacy
ii) Learn how to do it right or don't do it at all

Quoting Lip from Shameless, "...like up the ass?...I mean the whole point of the digestive system is a one-way traffic."

I guess there's some truth in that lol.

Btw, Eric's recent video on The Undateables are totally relatable. Check that out as well.

p/s: It wasn't that bad honestly, but I still need to put my sheet in the washing machine.

Over The Moon

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More Changes

My daily routine has been quite mundane at the moment. I am supposedly focusing on finishing my thesis but I was quite easily distracted with social media, drama series and occasional porn. It really is not what I'm hoping for my life routine, but it certainly shows the kind of person I am.

With that being said, it's about time I change it. By taking the first step to enjoy celibacy for a period of time, I think it's also the time some changes venture into other parts of my life. The other changes that I made apart from was my sleeping habit. I used to stay up all night and slept in the morning, waking up around or after noon to a groggy feeling that eventually lead to some more wasted times by being sluggish for the entire day. Now that I had forced myself not to sleep at all in the day, I finally manage to change it to the normal sleeping schedule. By 9pm I'm already a sleepy head and woke up nice and fresh around 6am.

Next is my academic work. Now this one prove to be the hardest one I have yet to face. I've always been lazy with my study. I wasn't like this when I was in school, but since I started uni, I just lost interest in studying altogether. I do feel some kind of regrets for not making the right decision from the start, but I don't like to do things halfway. After all, there are a lot of money involved, so I can't manage to screw things up. I have many writings to be done and have been taking 2 weeks off again which is an immature thing to do considering with the level of degree I am at. But for what it's worth, I have a lovely and kind supervisor, so that was okay. But I hate not being able to meet someone else's expectations. I just want to be the best student I can really, and I know I am not giving out my best effort for it. Now having said that, I will after this post, try my best to keep up some good work. Hopefully, there'll be some improvements.

Moving on to social life, I'm trying to limit myself to one social outings per week. So everything has to be planned. No more random hookup and no more spontaneous socials. The reason is not only for my sexual revolution but also for my academic life. To put more focus on the latter, I have to be more calculative for the former and other outings. So today me and my friend were supposed to go out to a festival in city centre, but he bailed out on me at the last minute, choosing to go to a lavender farm having picnic with my other friends instead. I was a bit pissed of course, since we promised to go out today, and he basically ditched me by choosing an alternative option that was presented to him just a few hours before we go out. He invited me along but I'm not up for a large outing with other people, I just wanna go out having some nice time in the city - though it would be very crowded - and come back home to continue doing some readings. Luckily I have another friend that agree to go out with me, so all is well.

But to be fair, I backed out on a guy yesterday too. We arranged to meet for you-know-what because I was, let just say, feeling a bit sexually repressed and need it out of my system. But then I remembered it's best for me to stop doing such random things with guys as much as I would like to. It's not only for my celibacy mission, but for my emotional needs too. I've been watching gay drama series and reading erotic stories that I realise I actually want sex to mean something more than just the physicality of it all. So I told the guy I won't be able to make it, and let just say karma works its wonder on me today. For what it's worth, I learnt not to make promises that you can't keep. So it's best to be honest from the start. And once you make a promise, try to commit to it unless you have a very good reason not to. If you're really not up for it at the last hour, it's still ok to discuss and be honest about it.

So those are a few things I'm trying to amend in my life. The academic part is my first priority now. I really need to get it done as soon as I can. I can't wait to finish it all. As for my socials, though I'm staying away from hookups, I'm still up for hanging out with new guys and what not. I'm meeting a French guy next week, we've been talking for a couple of months now. And then another one a few weeks from now, a British guy who is so my type but sadly already taken (as it's always happen to me T.T). Then I had set a meetup with another one, also a British guy of Caribbean origins, but we sort of lost in touch for a while now. I'm not sure if he's still up for a meetup, we facetimed a couple of times before. Perhaps the flames weren't the same like when we first chatted. Anyhow, these are casual, non-sexual and let's-get-to-know-each-other kind of meet ups. So all is well according to plan.

Right, I'm off to city centre now. Until then, stay true to yourself :)

Celebrating

So Eid is here, finally I can have my morning coffee again.

The celebration here was minimal, just the usual routine. I didn't take any pictures this year as I'm not feeling much excited to celebrate it. Not because of the homesick or anything, but I think it's just the same usual day just like any other. Before long, I had been going on with the same daily stuff as any other days.

I've received my blood test a couple of days ago, after spending almost 2 days trying to get it. I should have gotten it last week but I thought they might be still processing it. So I called them and asked, had to wait almost 15 minutes to speak to the right person after back and forth, ended up being told that she didn't know how to read my result and couldn't give it to me. Transferred to another person and was informed that their IT system went down, explaining the reason why they couldn't send it to me last week and had asked me to call again later. Then I called again the next day, nobody picking up. Finally tried the third day and gotten it. It's all negative. So all is well.

I've also been ignoring texts, calls and messages from my FWBs. I've gotten bored with having sex now, but am still feeling somewhat repressed. Thank goodness we know what comes in handy when that happens, a little click here and there, problem solved. At times I thought rather than fantasising it, I can have it for real. But I'm reevaluating my sex and love life, leading me to halt any form of intimacy if it can be appropriately called as such with any guys. To date, I have yet to have a solid plan, but when I do I'll talk about it later.

Until then, happy Eid to all :)

School Crush Gone Off

My weekend with Adam was lovely. As planned, we connected, had real good conversation and just having a good time.

We went out to a market on Saturday evening, since the day before I was stuck with a paper to finish. Since we were fasting, it only took about an hour for us to realise that it wasn't really the most optimum time of the year to hang outside in the day. But we went out quite late and had to wait about an hour more before breaking our fast. Adam was a bit cranky nearing the end of the fast, but once he had a sip of the juice he bought, all of his senses came back. And we spent the day eating out and just went home.

That night we went out again around midnight to a park nearby my place. We took a stroll near a river beyond the park too, and came home around 2 in the morning. It was quite a serene thing to do, walking under the stars at night with someone, having a deep conversation about your life and everything, if we're a couple, that would be so romantic. Now I know what I wanna do when I'm in a relationship. The park was actually quite dodgy as it's really bushy and it past midnight. I was afraid to go in there but Adam romantically said, "Don't worry, you have me." Please just be mine.

He opened up more about himself. Like the kind of things he did as a 'bad boy'. Trying out various kinds of drugs (he even offered me weed) and had a near death experience on one occasion, his partying life and alcohol, being scouted for modelling (just to show how attractive he is) and his obsession with girls' ass. Yeah, I didn't manage to admit I was gay. It seemed quite unfair to be honest as I didn't talk much about myself, I just acted innocent and asking things about himself, which he sexily played along.

However, like I said, I didn't expect much. I like him, really, but he's straight as it comes, so I wouldn't want to change that. Plus, he flew off last night so it's not gonna work anyhow.

Damn, I really want a boyfriend so bad. As he was laying next to me in bed, I was fantasising how nice it would be to have someone you love actually sleeping next to you and hold you in his arms. Waking up every morning to the person you love, knowing that you don't have to think about how lonely you have to go through the day. Shit, I'm becoming lovey dovey all of a sudden.

Well, to show I haven't really change, once I sent Adam off to the airport, I went to meet Jacob, a Romanian guy I have been talking to for a couple of weeks. He's in late 30s but if there is a category of twink with an older age, he could be easily fits into that category. I kept my promise not to have sex, so we just kept it simple. We chatted too, and I couldn't help but to feel sorry for him. I could see the sadness in his eyes, being alone at that age (no judgement given to those who are in the same age), having gone through a lot with life, work, relationship and family.

I wish I can find someone to be stable with now, but I don't want to do it out of fear, but out of love. I don't want a relationship because I'm desperate, but because I'm ready to commit, I'm ready to get intimate and above all I'm ready to give my heart to someone.

Anyhow, things will get back to normal now. Ramadhan is ending in a few days time, and I must say I'm not doing really well in it this time around. I can only hope for a better self, but I would be lying to say that I tried. Because I didn't. I kinda want my life to be like this. But deep down I know I want something better, something pure, something real.

For what it's worth, I had made a promise to myself for not having random sex anymore. So that's a start, right?

School Crush

I'm feeling quite excited at the moment because my school crush, Adam, is coming over to stay with me for a couple of days tomorrow.

He's here to do some short training course and is going back home on Sunday, so he thought of coming over and spend his last days here with me.

I was overjoy of course, he came to my place last month for a short stay as he was visiting the town, and that was the first time we actually had a proper conversation and get to know one another.

We were in the same school for two years and were basically in different groups. I was the preppy, nerdy and studious kind while he was the bad boy, troubled kid and I-don't-give-a-damn kind of person.

When we met last month I could see he's still kinda the same person as I used to know him, but to be fair we never really had any interactions at school...except for one occasion.

It was the first day of school, in the school hall and it was the first assembly. Being a preppy person, I would usually be at the front listening attentively to every speeches and every announcements made. But I was late that day and had to settle at the far back of the crowd. I hated it, it's the area where the school bullies usually like to reign, throwing foul comments to everything being said on  stage.

So I sat at the far end, making myself invisible. I was quite a diva at my previous school, and I vowed to tone it down and focused with my study at this one. So I really try not to stand out.

On that fateful day, Adam was sitting next to me. I saw him earlier that day and instantly felt attracted to him. I mean he's super good looking, fit body, and had his bad boy appearance clear from the get go - his expression, gestures and everything were clear that he don't give a fuck about anything.

I didn't realise he was next to me as I was trying to focus on the principal's welcoming speech. I used to take out my note book and jot down every single thing said in assembly, that's how nerdy I am. But I'm in the red zone so I have to make sure I don't do anything that will lead to a social suicide.

And suddenly, out of nowhere, a hand was on my thigh. Electric shock ran through me, I could feel the hairs stood up on the back of my neck. My heart was racing as I traced the hand on my thigh to its owner. It was Adam and he was oblivious to my white pale expression. As my eyes searched for an answer, he took his other hand and held mine. Then he caressed it before bringing it to his lips and kissed it.

I was blown away, literally, in my mind, "What are you doing? Is this a sexual harassment?" I mean his hand was really near to my crotch and I instantly remember that we were in an assembly full of people. I quickly looked around to see if there's someone who noticed what was happening. I never know as I was in shock.

He continued until the end of the assembly, he was rubbing his hand on me, gently touching here and there. I was speechless literally, I didn't say anything, not one word came out of my mouth. I'm not sure whether it's because I was shocked to be 'molested' on my first day of school, or that I was overjoyed as I had a crush on him and he 'noticed' me. Either way that was the only time we had any kind of interactions ever for two years. And let me tell you it was a horrible way to start a school where I longed for another interaction with him which was non-existent.

I told my friend about it that night and they couldn't believe me. I mean, I couldn't fathom what was happening myself. He didn't say a word too, he was just doing things with his hands, and his expression was completely unaware of mine.

After that, I basically kept things to myself and commit to my vow. While I was engrossed in school work, he was always in some kind of trouble with the school principal and teachers. Everyone hated him. I saw him being shouted at one day by the school coach for being 'too sexy' - he was wearing a tank top while everyone was wearing normal T. Obviously I prefer the former for my sore eyes but typical Asian school where you can't be different and daring.

Anyhow, I could go on and on about how I caught a glimpse of him quietly during our school days. So it's only natural I was happy when he asked for a place to stay last month. I guess he got my number and information from my other schoolmates.

When he came last month we chatted and he's actually a very nice person. He asked me to hang around with him while he smoked outside, so we had a nice talk. I usually don't allow my guests to smoke as my housemates and I hate it, but obviously your crush is an exception.

He recalled the days at school where he was in trouble and how he was disgusted by the teachers who hated him without reasons. Some of the teachers he didn't know blatantly said "I hope my kid won't be like you when he grow up" to his face. Clearly his teachers talked and spread things about him. And like he was asked to leave the school during the exam period was quite shocking too, just because he was caught smoking. I think he just wanna be himself, and I like that kind of attitude. It really is a turn on.

He wanted me to go out with him too but I was really busy at the time. He asked me out again this time and I said yes, despite that fact that I have a paper to submit tomorrow. But I can work with that, hopefully it won't get in my way to spend time with him.

Through all, as in after school, I think we have become a bit matured. That usually happened. After school, you just a bit more open and talk to anyone. So even if we're not close at school, at least we have something in common and that's good enough to ask for help and hang out. I mean I know he knows me, I was invisible socially but I was known for my academic achievements. I was usually on the honour list and being on stage on several occasions for some awards. And people know him too as the troublesome boy. So all is well.

We'll see how it goes when he arrives. I plan to ask him about his love life, I know he was in a relationship before. I might as well tell him I'm gay since he had opened up to me about his school experiences. Needles to say he is straight. Though who knows what might happen if I admit I'm gay. I don't plan on hitting on him, but rather would love to make friends with him. The chance is slim of course, he's going back and I'm staying here. God knows if we ever cross each other again afterwards but at least I know I make a connection with him.

Wish me luck :)

Mission Celibacy Starts

My attempts to slow down my usual habit of getting on with guys don't seem to go really well at the moment.

Like when I told Aaron (the Arab guy from the previous post) that I won't be up for fun, he kept trying to persuade me to come over to him. I begin to feel a bit annoyed with his constant messages. I would then usually ignored them for a couple of hours before replying that I was so busy with work to check my phone. At 4 am just now he texted and we chatted, he asked me to come over again. It's fucking 4, this guy is unbelievable.

Raj on the other hand (the South Asian one) pretty much understood my decision. But his mastery of the English language is such a turn off that I don't find his muscular physique can compensate that anymore. As with Aaron, he texted me to ask for a next time. I haven't yet made up my decision but I'm leaning towards there'll be no such thing as next time.

Then some more straight guys try to hit on me, which really makes me think about why I can't attract my own kind - the gays. I mean yuhoo, I'm here, I'm available (for dates of course). As I mentioned, straight guys are complicated but it seemed like there are so many of them out there looking for guys to 'try' something.

Nonetheless, I still chatted with them out of courtesy for their texts, and made it clear that I'm not up for sex, but would be okay to hang out or chat. As usual, their skills of persuasion can make the girl in me to have an orgasm, but I think I'll stick to what I've decided for now. No sex for 6-8 weeks.

Amen to that.

Family Matters

It's true what they say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Certainly the absence by distance couldn't be more fitting to this for any relationship be it family or couples.

I miss my family a lot, and it's also primarily the reason why I chose to go back to Malaysia once I finish my study here. I can choose to stay or travel abroad, but I thought, "going back home for a year or two wouldn't hurt." I missed a lot of things, my younger sisters growing up to be a woman, my older sisters getting their jobs, buying cars etc, my parents venturing into their near retirement period, my newborn cousins that me and my sisters finally have after been the only grandchildren to my grandparents for almost 20 years, and so many other things. It's hard to see everyone's having fun with one another while I'm here messing around my life with study and other things like having sex with strangers.

Technology is indeed a life saver these days. I can't imagine how it was back in the days where all they had was the traditional written letters and incredibly expensive international calls.

With that being said though, since I'm usually busy with a lot of things, my mother would usually be the one who ring me. She won't call regularly but when she did we talked for more than an hour. My dad on the other hand is the typical father type who don't speak a lot but would occasionally drop a call to say hi and asked me to always keep God dearly in my life. Amen.

So my mom called a couple of days ago, it was midnight back at home, so there must be something going on. She would usually dozed off around 10pm, so I know there was something bothering her. Perhaps because of the fact that I am her only son, she really pamper me. The thing is I'm not pampered at all, and I feel bad sometimes because it's like I'm not being grateful enough to the attention I get. My eldest sister get so jealous about this, but I sincerely believe my parents don't play favourites, every parent loves their children equally.

Anyhow, she was stressed that night, and needed someone to talk to. As with many other occasions, that would usually be me, especially if it's related to family matters. She was stressed because she felt jealous with her friends and cousins who are breaking the news of their sons and daughters getting married. You see, she desperately want an in-law, and since my eldest sister is 26 yeas old now and single, she's worried that my sister would be too old to get married later.

This might be the typical Asian, or Malay specifically about unwed girls who are working and is getting old. Since I'm a bit westernised as one can say, I don't really see the problem. I always mentioned that if my sister finds someone she loves then she will get married eventually, until then just let her live her life and don't be worry. But my mom doesn't buy into that primarily because my sister have so many suitors and so many guys asking for her hand. I admit that she is beautiful, with clear white skin, and is currently working as a house officer (junior doctor) in a hospital. It's only natural people would fall for her. Some people have been waiting for more than two years for her.

We're not sure what her problem is, but she never liked the men who came to ask her in marriage. And let me tell you, some of these men are handsome, very manly, professional, highly successful and one of them is a senior engineer with loads of money...OMG, what's wrong with her right. I mean, I want men to follow me like that and wait for like 5 years for me too! I don't understand girls, but this girl is my sister and as my mother put it, "you're the only male left after your father and you will soon have to bear the responsibility of keeping this family together once your father passed away." Pretty big thing to say to your only son truth to be told but it is what it is, I have to be a man of the family too.

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So we talked about my sister that night and how my mother was feeling worried and sad for her. At the same time she ran out of idea what to say to the people and parents who kept asking for my sister for their sons. I share her feeling, I mean it's not just men who are waiting, it's men and their bloody families too. I can only shook my head and sighed.

Now the interesting part is, my mother since feeling so worried to find a man for my sister settled her eyes on my friend. My mother met my friend when she came over to visit me two years ago. And this friend of mine is my junior and I have treated him like my younger brother for as long as I can remember. It was my mother's plan to fix them together and inevitably because I'm his friend and I'm also the 'man' of the family, I will have to follow suit into this matchmaking game. It's weird yes, but I've talked to my junior about it - which is super awkward when you say to your junior, "hey do you wanna get married with my older sister?" Imagine that!

There are some issues of course. Age difference being one, but luckily both are fine with it. My junior obviously still studying and at the same place as I am - so marriage while studying and long distance relationship must be considered. Then to put things more worryingly, they never met one another, apart from being friends on Facebook and occasional messages (after being asked by me and my mother that is).

However worryingly it is, it seems like my sister is opening up the opportunity for my junior to be her partner but not for the one that's already waiting for her. It's a gamble really. We are trying to fix a date where they can meet, and settle on some time during the upcoming Eid celebration. What with my sister being a doctor, it's hard for her too to spend time off. Which is why my mother is so worried she would never find the time for a man once she's progressing up in her medical career.

I really hope it will go well. As much awkward as it is to discuss this thing with my junior, he is a very nice person. We were from the same school, I took care of him when he arrived here in the foreign land, I made sure his welfare was taken care of, I was the person he would confide to when he has problems. So I know him well. Note that though I'm gay, I have absolutely zero emotional or sexual attachment in terms of homosexual relationship with friends. I really treat him like my younger brother so I know he would be a good husband to my sister. What better way to help your family than to really provide them the best person you know. After all, we have been friends for many many years so it would be easy to adjust with new face in the family since we know each other so very well already.

As for my sister, it's at least a relieved for me and my mother when she is considering my friend. We noticed that she might want this to work out, but we have to make sure that the feeling is reciprocated. Until then, what we have to do is wait for the time when they'll meet and see if they are really suitable for one another or not.

Arranged marriage is not something of my liking, but ironically I am essentially arranging one for my sister. Oh the irony of life :)

Reality Check

With all the fun that I had, it's time to begin some reality checks about my life.

First of all, I am currently on PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis). It's basically medications that are given to individuals that might be on the risk of getting HIV. I was put on PEP two days ago when I went to get a regular HIV test.

I told them I had sex two days earlier before and the condom was broken. I knew with this information they would put me on high-risk group and classify it as unprotected sex, and they would want me to be on PEP as it was within the 72 hours period of post-exposure. To deem effective, the medication must start before the 72 hours period ended before the virus can replicate in the body.

It's used as a way to counter the risk of HIV after exposure. It's not 100% effective but reportedly it's an early measure to use for prevention. I had taken PEP before, so this is not my first time. The medications include 2 or 3 antiretroviral medications, and the one I got is Truvada and Raltegravir, similar with the one I had before. The medication period is 28 days so almost a month of eating pills. These drugs normally caused many side effects, but fortunately my body seem to take them well. Some people though in need of these drugs were not given the pills due to the side effects, and these pills are only given via prescription and doctor's approval. For more information you can visit this link, and there are many discussions and forums about this on the web. Again it's not 100% effective and the best way to prevent any risk of HIV transmission is always protected sex.

I know that it seems I haven't learnt from my past experience. But things like this happened. The first time I had to take PEP was because the condom fall off, so again it was categorised as unprotected sex. The doctor would determined this, so it's important to always disclose any information about your sex life for a better assessment. Now the person I had sex with this time did tell me that he got tested the week before we had sex, and that he was negative. But since it wasn't a regular thing and more of a hookup, the doctor highly recommend me to take PEP. Of course, the final decision laid on me and after deliberating on it I just decided to take it - since I didn't develop any side effects the first time before, so it's best to just have it for precautionary purposes.

My rapid HIV test that day was negative, so that was fine. From that I know I'm clear up until April. I still need to wait for the regular blood test result next week to see that I'm clear up until June. In another 6 to 8 weeks I have to get tested again to see if I'm really clear of any transmission.

It's best in that period I celibate myself, and that's what I'm leaning towards too. I'm currently trying to sort out this arrangement with a few people that I had promised to meet. Not just for me but for them too to be careful really.

The thing is, as much fun as I have, I do worry. I mean I'm just another person that love to do a lot more with my life that just having sex with strangers. But because of being so used to doing it, it does take a bit of time to back off. In a couple of months I'm going back to Malaysia, and I'm planning to build a better life. I'm going to work and have a proper lifestyle, with the intention of being true to myself ie semi-openly gay and will only have sex with a person that I have a connection with.

So yeah, I'm telling this show people that having sex with hot guys can be the dream of your life, at the same time it can also be the nightmare that you might wish you never fall into.

At the end, we all make choices, and I did make the choice to go around and have sex with people. Do I regret it? Yes and no. Do I feel sinful? Yes, everytime. But do I wish I can turn back time? Probably not. The thing about life is we have to move on and reflect on that. Do not immerse ourself in self-pity and regret but rather to see that we can change things and do something better.

I only talked about 4 guys here that I met but I can't even count how many sexual partners I had. When the doctor asked me this question I was taking more than a minute to count and just lost it. I always know I need to stop but perhaps being constantly bombarded with images of guys on the media have its challenges. In the end, temptations are everywhere, and that's really what Ramadhan in itself trying to reach us - to have self-control over our desires. I can certainly say that I fail on this part, but I'm not going to give up trying.

So yeah, at the moment I'm just fine as usual. I just feel like talking about this to let people know what sort of risks and consequences you might get into when having sex with strangers. I am fully aware of this when I make the decision so when I have to go through it, I take it as something I have to endure. Therefore if you are not strong emotionally and constantly worry about many things, it's best to not try things.

It's true, somethings are just best left alone. Once you try it, you might never get out of it.

So until then, be safe :)